I actually do approve of them handling it themselves to a certain degree. What can I tell my daughter to do when no one will play with her?
I could get her some super cool toy to bring but that would be like buying friends.
You need to find out why no one will play with her. If you haven’t seen her around other kids, Omar’s suggestion is a good one- ask the teacher if they have noticed your daughter’s difficulties and if he/she has any suggestions.
I’m surprised that your childrens’ school doesn’t heavily guilt you into volunteering, which seems to be the general trend nowadays. If there’s a night/weekend parent volunteer activity, perhaps you could take part in order to meet some of the other parents?
Well, it is less than a year since she was so standoffish.
If school is like it was when I was a kid,* she will be in a class made up of at least half kids that were not in this year’s class. Might take care of itself.
- I was a baby boomer, and the grade school had about 10 classrooms full for each grade…but they did try to sort them by academic performance, so each year you got mixed with 25 kids from the same pool of 100 or so.
The teacher will be your most valuable friend here, so definitely a talk is in order. Observation helped with our daughter when she was in Pre-K and coming home telling me nobody wanted to be her friend. She was being too aggressive and treating children like her dolls. The kids were uncomfortable with this. The more they stepped back the more my daughter leaned in until they wanted nothing to do with her. She is developmentally delayed so her language skills were also really behind the other kids.
I did not know any of this until the teacher spent some time observing, and she didn’t really THINK to study on the situation until I brought it up.
Now she’s in Kindergarten and doing a lot better socially because we worked with her OT to help her develop some social skills that suit her needs.
Not saying YOUR daughter needs OT or anything, but it helped us.
Is it bothering her? Or is it bothering you? Both?
I say don’t get too worried about this. Second grade is still quite young for social skills. She may just be a late bloomer.
I don’t know what the teacher is supposed to do. Make the other kids be her friend? Yeah, that will go over really well. Have a talk with the teacher and just ask casually what she/he thinks about your daughter’s social skills. But I wouldn’t make it the teacher’s job to socialize your daughter. She has to do that for herself.
If you really want to do something radical, you could have a party at a park somewhere and invite her classmates. Like, make it an Easter egg hunt/spring celebration thing if her birthday isn’t coming up. I remember going to kids’ parties even if the host wasn’t a friend, just because it was a party and everyone else was going. The party won’t make your daughter be everyone’s BFF, but it will help put her on the social map. And perhaps you’ll get a glimpse of what she’s doing wrong and/or right.
It might be worth a try as a one-off. It wouldn’t be like buying friends, but buying a one-off interaction that lets the other kids see her as a person worth trying to be friends with. If you did it all the time it could backfire (I remember a girl at primary school who was always bringing in expensive toys and bragging about them, and everyone rolled their eyes and avoided her) but a one-off wouldn’t do that.
It’s artificial, but sometimes social relationships need an artificial kickstart before they rev up into natural friendships.
Anyway, I kinda second monstro’s suggestion of throwing a party. She’s still at the age when a lot of friendships are mediated by the parents anyway. My daughter, who does have ASD, would have had no friends at primary school at all if I hadn’t made a lot of effort to throw parties, go on day trips and arrange sleepovers. A day trip would be a good alternative to a party proper, because you could have fewer kids. ‘We’re going to the beach/zoo/whatever to celebrate her birthday/Easter/her brother’s birthday/whatever, would little Katie like to come?’
The ‘kinda’ is there because of your difficulty in meeting the other parents - it isn’t easy if you’re not there at the school at the same time as the other parents, chatting at the school gates as you wait for them. Would it be possible for you to change your schedule so that you can pick your daughter up as soon as school finishes one day a week, even just for a month?
This is all about you doing stuff, not helping your daughter learn the skills to make friends on her own when everyone already has their own friends. The latter is much more difficult.
A party gives you a chance to meet the other parents, but it could be a tough situation for your daughter by transporting the problem situation into your home. Maybe you could start by arranging play dates for your daughter and one classmate at a time. Make it something fun to do outside of your home so the girls are put together on neutral territory (as I write this I realize this is good advice for boys, but I don’t have any experience with girls under these circumstances). It sounds like this is all something new for you, but there may be some kind of local ettiquette among the moms and daughters regarding this kind of thing. Hopefully the teacher can point you to a parent who would understand the protocols and be willing to show you the ropes. Also, it might take several dates with different children to see any change among the group. It’s also possible that your daughter finds a bff and forgets about group acceptance. You also need to know the pecking order among the kids. Your daughter may be tempted to invite the most popular girl on the first date, but that girl gets invited lots of places and the time with your daughter might not mean much to her.
A note here: I’ve kind of assumed your daughter wants to be friends with the other girls in her class. I’m getting old, and back when I was a kid, that’s the way it was. 20 years ago when my kids were kids, it was still mostly that way in the lower grades. I don’t know how it is now.
You should certainly talk to the teacher about it. In addition to giving you some insight into what’s really going on, she can also do things like seating your daughter next to one of the kinder children or suggesting some other ways of having her interact with her classmates in a way in which she can shine. My sister’s younger boy was super-shy and not really clear on what was expected of him socially. The teachers in some of the earlier grades were real allies with thain this area and some of the friends they helped him make are still friends now that he’s in ninth grade.
Also, does your school have a directory? Ours does and it was invaluable in setting up playdates when my son was young.
I don’t know that I’d move them out, but this is a real concern. I have a double-edge rule on the playground for my second-graders. First, if someone wants to play with you, your answer has to be “sure,” at least at first. (Is this mean and stifling? Hell no: school is where you learn, and on the playground you learn a lot of social skills, and if you don’t like that, come on over and sit down, I’ve got plenty of math problems you can learn instead. Okay, maybe it is mean.)
But second, if people keep coming to me to complain about how you’re playing, we’re gonna get to the bottom of it. I have one kid that really wants to play with everyone else, but doesn’t intuit how to do it, and there have been several games of magical puppies or whatever where the puppies come to me in tears because this kid just machine-gunned them all down. Even games of war he can’t do right: when the other boys are fighting Nazis, he suddenly declares himself a traitor and machine-guns them all down. Sweet kid, really, just doesn’t get why other kids don’t enjoy being machine-gunned down. So I spend time working with him on that, teaching him that if he’s joining a game, that’s not the time to turn it into his own game; rather, he needs to suss out the game and figure out how to join it gracefully.
It seems like about once a year I have a parent come to me worried about her (it’s always a mom) girl (it’s always a daughter) not making friends. Almost always that girl turns out fine, just has a small adjustment period. One girl never did manage to click with the other kids, but there was a whole other saga going on there; it wasn’t just at school.
So yeah: definitely talk with the teacher. You may have the teacher say, “Your girl needs to quit machine-gunning down the other girls (or ostentatiously picking her nose during read-aloud, or trying to make friends by stealing jump-ropes, or tattling on other kids constantly, or whatever).” The teacher may be surprised and watch for things. The teacher may even report–as I did to one concerned mom–that the girl has plenty of friends and is always playing with other kids at recess, and that the stories coming home may reflect some other dynamic. It could be, for example, that there’s another girl with a magnetic personality who tends to control their girl-group and choose the games all the time, and what’s really upsetting your daughter is that she’s not getting to choose what they play, but it’s coming out in a “nobody will play with me” way because she guesses that’ll sound to you more like a real problem.
But talk with the teacher. Make sure the teacher is aware of the concern, and get some feedback.
I will apologize in advance for the abrasiveness of my response…so there it is…but for fuck sake stop worrying about it, she’s 7. If there are no medical issues, kids generally have different personalities. Let them be themselves and they will sort it out. It seems like society makes us feel bad if our kids don’t fit in perfectly. Our mentality seems to be if we buy them the right clothes and encourage them to listen to the right music that they will fit in and all will be good. All this does if feed into the new norm that is based on nothing more than allowing somebody other than themselves to dictate what they like.
My kids are starting there spring break on Monday and they had a fun day at school today…my daughter was the only one to walk out of the school with a bright green wig and a huge green tie on and as happy as a pig in shit that she stood out from the rest of the group. She is very popular in her school and seems to be a natural leader, she is nine and I constantly remind her to be herself and have fun. My son is eleven and is at the exact opposite of the spectrum, he has one friend in school and they are not really all that close. He is quiet and has no desire to have alot of friends. He does not like sports or that much of anything for that matter, but the kid is amazing in his own ways. As I posted a few weeks ago I was away playing in a hockey tournament and my wife ran out of oil, he gathered the tools and went to the basement on his own and bled the furnace to get it running by himself, he did not call me to ask how to do it, he just went and did it, but that is Hunter, he gets the same be yourself and have fun. My oldest had a rough time growing up and got mixed up with the wrong people. He drank alot and had some issues with drugs. He is now in the military, runs 10k a day and is advancing himself quite quickly in his career. He too got the same talk.
Heres the Readers Digest condensed version of my story… I came from a well to do family, had a woderful life growing up, left home at 14 to go travel with the circus, ( worked in the bingo tent ) much to my parents dismay, and somehow managed to survive. When I turned 16 my dad bought me a brand new camaro and had an Alpine stereo put in it for me…loud as shit and a big thing in 1983, at least it was were I am from, and I would drive around with the thing blaring music like She Got The Goldmine, I Got The Shaft and lots of other uncool tunes that probably brought me alot of ridicule. But ya know what, I didn’t give a shit and I listened to what I liked.I had lots of girls who liked me, ( also known as …got laid alot ) and I was happy. I was always a smart guy but until I was ready to start a family I just worked alot of shit jobs, but that was only because it was what made me happy.
My point is, I guess, is to just leave them alone, try to point them in the right direction and hope to fuck that it works out in the end. Encourage them to have their own personalities, teach them right from wrong ( according to your morals, not someone elses ) and let them develop at their own pace. Just for the record, when I was growing up, I had alot of friends. I can remember kids who came from bad families who lived in subsidized housing with drug addict and alcoholic parents and turned out to be good, successfull, adults and kids from really good families, whose parents were teachers, nurses and politicians who turned out to be nothing but trouble.
I just wanted to add, to the posts above that gave helpful hints, that it’s OK to be worried about your daughter not having friends.
Having friends is a big deal. It might not seem like it to us here, because we all have, at the very least, memories of having friends (and most likely have some good friends now), but at the time it seems like such a big deal to the kids and shouldn’t be discounted by the adults.
Would a 30-year-old want to be friends with only pensioners and teenagers with no choice about who to talk to, all day, every day, with no internet outlet? That’s what it’d be like for a 7 year old surrounded by grown-ups and younger siblings.
You may not be able to help your daughter through this dry phase, but you might at least have fun trying.
Thanks, I mis-read that, and it makes it much better. I still think at her age crying may be a valid and possibly beneficial response.
I just have to give a quick response to JFLuvly who had friends growing up, whose daughter has friends and son doesn’t seem that interested in having friends.
If your son suddenly was desperate for friends, but couldn’t make any and was pretty upset himself about the whole situation, would you not be worried?
I am doing my best to stay out of it (though my daughter has been instructed to let me know about any bullying that goes on).
I haven’t been able to connect with the teacher to get her feelings on the subject.
That’s pretty funny 
If this is what your daughter is experiencing, then I think any parent should be worried.
I think JFLuvly was making the same assumption that I was: that this was more problematic to you than it was to your daughter. Apparently we were incorrect.
I will say this: I had friends when I was in elementary school but I didn’t really want them. I was content playing alone all by myself, eating lunch by myself, and just generally being by myself. The only reason I allowed myself to have friends was because it seemed expected of me that I “belong” to a group. But I didn’t have strong attachments to those kids I played with. It wasn’t until fifth grade when I realized I didn’t have to hang around people if I didn’t want to. My teacher didn’t like it much, seeing me kicking rocks around on the sidelines of the playground while everyone else had “fun”. I’m absolutely certain my mother would have been horrified if she had known. But I didn’t feel like a pitiable creature. I felt free for once in my life.
So while I can understand how simply not having friends can be of concern for a parent, I understand what JFLuvly was trying to say. Some kids are perfectly fine being lone wolves. That doesn’t mean they have weak social skills–I certainly had some strong skills, IMHO. It just means they like being by themselves.
(I think girls have it harder than boys in this department. Girls are expected to be social, to be a part of a group. If a boy wants to do his own thing, he’s actually admired for being individualistic. But if a girl does the same thing, she’s given all kinds of names that may not apply–such as shy, inhibited, socially phobic, etc. )
Another idea: What about Girl Scouts? I can’t say I loved my experience with it, but I did have fun one summer when I went away to girl scout camp. There was a troop run through my school, and I remember wishing I could join that one instead of the one I belonged to, through church.
I’d be buying her some cool toys, that would spark the interest of other kids. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just something kids her age lust after. Maybe even a couple of different ones, so she gets a rep for having some things worth playing with. I know it sounds shallow, but all you’re really trying to do is spark something, and it may be just that easy.
But definitely find out from the teacher what she’s noticed.
Then, as soon as she makes a friend, take them on an outing to do something cool, (no museums, horseback riding, or rock climbing, etc.), something they can’t wait to share with their classmates. Do it twice, (not the same activity!), the second time invite more kids, maybe someone on the block where you live, or a friend of first new acquaintance.
I think, barring any really big social issues, this will probably do the trick. Again, you just really want to get things started, she should be able to take it from there.
Is the teacher not reachable by e-mail? (As a teacher I like parents e-mailing because it gives me a chance to think about the issue/consult with my co-teacher, and then look more intelligent and informed when I pick up the phone to respond.) If nothing else, the teacher should be able to suggest which classmates would be the most likely to invite on successful playdates.
If the school has more than one class per grade, can you request that next year she be placed in a different class, where kids are not familiar with her initial lack of sociability?
She obviously has effective social skills in her out-of-school activities so it doesn’t seem like she needs to start from square one in figuring out how to interact. It can be really hard though for a kid to overcome a reputation, or to get out of a rut in terms of how they interact/behave. Is it just an issue with free play, or is she being shunned say when the teacher assigns partner work?
In my pre-K class we work hard to get the kids to play with each other and not leave kids out, but it is a constant battle. It can be easier with boys because they are more likely to run around in a big herd, but girls often have a special best friend and it’s so hard to get them to branch out.
Does she share the interests of the other kids? If not, it might be worth it to her to cultivate them in order to be more attractive as a friend. For example, if they are all talking about a singer or a TV show or a toy, can she join in the conversation? Also, is she seen as generous? Maybe she could be the kid who, when someone doesn’t have a pencil, offers them a sparkly Hello Kitty pencil? (Of course she should not become a doormat who suppresses who she is and gets hit up for free stuff all the time.)
Please do ignore the advice that says to leave her alone or not get involved. I had some stretches w/out friends and I was almost suicidal. Had my parents helped to solve some of the issues, life would have been about 1000x better. It is clear to me anyway from your posts that this is important to your child, not just you. Like the ideas with the cool toys, parties, outings, etc. She is so young that it may not be hard to turn the tide. Good ideas to switch around your schedule to coincide with the other parents too.
My heart goes out to your daughter. So sad. I think the after-school activities is a good route to go, but your girl is still stuck with a big chunk of her day being very unpleasant for her. I think the idea of changing schools is actually a good one. Kids can be very cruel, and very clique-ish—particularly girls. One of the problems for her staying in that school is that (it sounds like) she has been identified as one of the people to not play with. If I remember correctly, that’s a tough bell to unring. I’ve see it done with boy, through sports. And I remember one girl who came back from summer break in 8th or 9th grade a total knockout. All of a sudden she was much more popular, even amongst the girls. Anyway, just an idea. I find this so sad. It makes me wish I could go back and befriend those who were on the outside looking in. I like to think I did okay in that regard, but I no doubt could have done better.
By the way, just happened to my sister in summer sleep-away camp. It was coed and we were sent to the same one one year. The girls hated her and there was no fixing it. I tried to help as much as I could, but the best I could do was to get the girls to be nice when I was around. I still get sad thinking of her being so ostracized. She was so happy when the summer was over and she could go back to having lots of friends and being rather popular.