My ex-girlfriend is about fifteen years older then me, her daughter was born the same year as my wife (I’m 37, she’s 28.) My ex did alot of things I can’t forgive her for; mainly, she used my SS# and my sister’s (my sis was her friend after I introduced them, now they’re ex-friends) to embezzele from her ex-employer, a temp agency. Even more unforgiveable, she never even said “I’m sorry.”
Now, as much as I dislike my ex, her daughter is a different story. I was the one who taught her to drive. I bought her alcohol (she was over 18 and working full-time, I figued she deserved a drink as much as anybody.) I went to her high school basketball games while her mom was in jail. I was a “team dad,” anybody who needed a ride could get one from me.
So, my wife was on a “reunion” website and see’s my ex’s daughter on it too (for awhile, they went to the same school.) She didn’t like my (now) wife because of jokes she made about ex’s/dau’s mum. But still, she was a major part of my life. I now know she’s married with kids. Even more interestingly, she’s on the same coast as me (we were both in SoCal, now we’re both in Georgia, about an hour away.)
So, should I contact her? It’s been ten years, but I still love her like a daughter. We’ve been through a lot together and I hesitate because the “a lot” wasn’t always positive. But we’ve been through alot though, and I still feel for her.
So, Dopers, advice? Forget I ever found her new email addy or look her up? What do you think.?
No, I’m not on the site. It’s a high-school reunion website and I’m nine years older then my wife or my ex’s daughter…and I don’t join sites like that. It would take some hard core effort for people from my past to find me. Just FYI, don’tchaknow.
Ya why not? Seems like you want to – just be prepared if she isn’t as into hearing from you as you are into contacting her.
In fact, I’d go the e-mail or snailmail letter route if possible rather than a cold (i.e. sudden) phonecall. Certainly wouldn’t pull the old “I was in the neighborhood …”
P.S. unsure of why it has been 10 years of no contact with this woman who you loved like a daughter and she (presumably) thought so much of you since she was an adult for near a decade. There can be legit reasons for that but needless to say all this is void if you left on screaming/yelling/bad terms e.g. kicking her and her Mom out your house etc.
Mr.stretch has a step-daughter from a previous marriage that he is still close to. I know his ex talked trash about him to this girl, but apparently she still thinks fondly of mr.stretch because she told us when she had her baby and she sends us Christmas cards. Not exactly your situation but it colors my opinion.
You should discuss this with your current wife, of course, but I think you should email your former step-daughter and let her know that you found her name and wanted to contact her. Tell her what you told us–that you still love her like a daughter and would like to keep in touch if she’s willing. Then go from there. Worse thing she can do is tell you no. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Of course you should send her a letter. Be prepared not to get a reply. And tell your wife, certainly, but you don’t need her permission. And anyway, all that drama is 10 years old, right? You’re all more mature now than you were then, so if ties are renewed, maybe all three of you can get on now.
My mother and stepfather divorced when I was in the 6th grade, almost 20 years ago now. I still hear from and call my ex-stepfather and consider him to have been a very positive influence on my life in the time that he and my mother were married. He means a lot to me. Sometimes we go a few years without speaking - unintentionally - but anytime I call him or he calls me, it’s a very welcome conversation and we occasionally meet for dinner if we manage to be in the same town at once. (He lives in AL and I live in GA.) If the two of you had a good relationship when she was young, and nothing happened to change that between you two, she probably thinks of you quite fondly and would be happy to hear from you.
The reason we lost contact was because I moved out of state and by the time I had a phone, she was unexpectedly no longer living where she was. Due to the age difference, we had no friends in common that I could contact her through. At the time, neither of us had either an e-mail account or cell-phone. We departed on good terms.