Who was more out of line here?

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s probably counterproductive to belabor this, but I can’t get it out of my head and I need to deal with it.

The backstory:

I broke up with ex-GF in February of 07. They were hurt feelings on both our parts, but we stayed very civil to each other. We talked and/or ran into each other every now and then, and things were still civil, but it was clear that she was having a much harder time getting over things than I was. I last saw her (or so I thought) when she was moving out of this building about a year ago. We talked for a good 20-30 minutes, and it was a really nice conversation. I realized that I still had some feelings for her, but wasn’t sure what to do with them. I picked up the phone to reconcile a few times, but hung up before I finished dialing her number.

Before then, a month after the breakup, I called her step-grandson to wish him a happy birthday. (He turned six.) He was delighted to hear from me.

In August, out of the blue, she called me. The kid was in town with his parents, and he really wanted to see me. Ex invited me to spend the day at her house eating dinner and going to the beach. I accepted. It was like old times, but without any physical affection. I thought it was a really nice day.

Around Thanksgiving, she e-mailed to say that one of her cats had died. I replied with my condolences, then decided that doing that by e-mail was pretty cold. I called her a couple of days later, and we ended up in a 2-hour conversation about “us.” It was really uncomfortable, but I made it clear that we were done.

No contact since then.

But I did call the kid on his next birthday, back in March.

The current story:

I spent a week out west with my family, to finally meet my great nephew and attend his parents’ wedding. I was a grand ol’ time. I took lots of pictures. When I arrived home, I selected my favorites and e-mailed them to my family members. I thought it would be a nice idea to cc my current GF. I then, perhaps stupidly, decided that ex might enjoy seeing them, so I cc’ed her as well.

She wrote back an e-mail called “The Five Rules of Breaking Up.” It was really full of anger. For one thing, she said, it was totally inappropriate for me to call the kid, as that’s toying with the emotions of a child, and besides, what if he was coming for a visit for Easter and he wanted to know why I wasn’t there, and everyone was really sad and cried the whole time? For another, she didn’t appreciate seeing current GF’s name on the cc list, as that made her really jealous and sad and she cried. For yet another, she still had feelings for my family, and seeing pictures of them hurt her deeply, and made her sad and cry. And lastly – and I don’t quite get this – I shouldn’t send her pictures of myself getting married (huh?) because that made her sad and cry.

I’ve never seen her in that bad of a mood. Not in eight years. She finished up by saying that her other cat died a couple of weeks ago, and her garden is coming in nicely.

I realize now that I shouldn’t have cc’ed her, but was my crime really all that bad? Shall I just go ahead and change my name to Dr. Mengele? Was her response appropriate to my actions?

2

Neither of you really did anything wrong, in my opinion. Her completely out of proportion reaction indicates that she has some hardcore feelings for you still and wants you to know that loud and clear.

…I’m sorry if that complicates your life. :slight_smile:

3

You were in the wrong. Maybe not as in the wrong as she thought you were, but you definitely are in the wrong.

  • You shouldn’t have called the step-grandson (he’s a kid and won’t understand why you and grandma aren’t friends anymore)
  • You absolutely should not have called the kid again
  • You should not have cc’ed the ex. A separate email with the pictures maybe (and even then, it’s a big MAYBE), but a cc was the wrong idea
4

Yeah, her reaction was completely out of proportion. She can call you out of the blue but you can’t be nice and try to keep her as a friend? I’m gonna go with what olives said and chalk this up to an irrational declaration of continued attraction for you. If she was over you then seeing those pictures would not have made her cry. Maybe a bit sad and nostalgic, but no crying and definitely no enraged e-mails.

I don’t know if you should have cc’d them or not. I think if you two kept in regular contact that it would have been fine. As it is now the shock was probably a lot for her.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s really not a big deal.

5

You weren’t out of line.

In retrospect, maybe you shouldn’t have emailed the pictures…but her response was overblown and irrational and clearly designed to be hurtful.

And if she doesn’t/didn’t want you to keep in contact with her grandson, she should have told you before and when she wasn’t upset.

Yep, I’m also voting for “still has feelings.” I guess being friends with her will have to wait until she gets over it.

6

She has a right to be upset about what she wants to be upset about. She sets the rules for her own feelings, and what she feels is as valid as what you feel. So just let it go and leave her alone.

7

Let your ex become your ex. You broke up a year and a half ago but you’ve re-established contact in some form every 3-4 months since. She can’t get over you if you keep doing that. I think it’s sweet you are close to her step-grandson, but you gotta know that when you call him, he’s telling her about it.

She can’t be your friend right now. Stop contacting her and her step-grandson. Don’t send cards or pictures or call to say hi. If you see her, don’t stop to chat for 2 hours. She’ll probably think you’re being a cold jerk, but you’ve got to let her move on.

8

Absolutely bad idea.

You shouldn’t (sometime in the future) send her pictures, because it (already, in the past) made her sad? Or you shouldn’t have sent (though you apparently didn’t send) pictures which made her sad? Or you shouldn’t (in the future) send because it will make her cry? I don’t get it either - as stated, it appears nonsensical.

Bad enough to matter.

Rather intense, but perhaps emotionally sincere.

Best advice I can give: refrain from contact until you’re well past the “who was wronger” stage, AND she is past the gets sad/cries stage. And no, you can’t contact her to see if she’s past it.

9

It’s not appropriate to float in and out of a child’s life. Not that you had anything except good intentions but the child won’t understand what is going on. And staying in touch with someone you broke up with is a mine field of mixed signals. That is what I would communicate to her along with best wishes for whatever life brings her. bow out and stay bowwed out.

10

Sounds like she’s having a hard time and decided to vent on you, because she felt she had a few reasons to be angry with you. Whether her reasons are valid to you or I is irrelevant – they’re valid to her.

As a related aside: CC is the second of my biggest intarwebs pet peeves. The first being people who list everyone in the “To” field. When you do this, everyone that receives the email sees everyone else who is on the list. My sister (whose husband is in IT and she should know better) does this all the frickin’ time – which has resulted in a few family members with whom I had split ties finding out how to contact me. From now on, if you must send to multiple people, only put one name in the “To” field, and BCC (blind carbon copy) the rest. Trust me, it is much better that way and allows you to continue sending emails to the ex (if you think she might enjoy it) and the current, without hurting feelings.

11

The ex sounds like she’s still hurting (or maybe things like the other cat dying have put her in a funk and she’s not handling more changes well).

I think it’s a bad/dangerous idea to maintain ties with the people mentioned because your current GF may think you’re not really over the ex. I understand that you had relationships with others in her circle and in the best of all worlds, you could maintain those even after breaking up. In fact, I think it shows class and maturity. Too bad this isn’t the best of all worlds, and if she’s hurting they’re right to circle their wagons around her.

When someone’s hurting, they place themselves at the center of the universe. I think that’s natural because you have to take care of yourself before others. So when you contact the boy, she’s may think it’s a way to get back at her. Sending pictures of the new gf may be received as a taunt. And when her family (effectively) comments, “What a great guy! He still keeps in touch because he cares about us, irrespective of his relationship with you!’” it may just twist the knife, make her regret the breakup even more deeply.

I’m taking your OP at face. It sounds to me like you assumed that since enough time has passed you’re over her and she must be over you, so we’re all adults here. If you can say that with a clear conscience, great. If not…

My sister divorced her husband about 5 years ago (after 30+ years of marriage) but he’s still part of the family, has come to events etc. per her blessing and we love seeing him. So I know it’s possible but still, it’s very unusual.

Bottom line, she was your past and your current gf is your present and possibly future. From where the sun stands now you should fight no more forever. Let the ex and her entourage go.

12

You shouldn’t have contacted her or the kid. She perhaps overreacted, but it was probably sincere and something it couldn’t hurt you to hear. Leave her alone, wounds can’t heal if you keep re-opening them.

13

I don’t really think you were out of line - if I married you and then later divorced, do I have to sever all ties with your kids? I mean, that doesn’t seem right.

Maybe she’s still upset about her cat. That’s the kind of thing that would make me act in a totally irrational manner.

14

Thanks for all of the input. While I think that my actions were, at their root, well-intentioned, I guess they were pretty ill-considered. My ex needs to get over it, and I guess that I can do my part by leaving her alone. And as much as it breaks my heart to do so, I need to cut the kid out of my life as well. For his own good. God, that sucks.

15

Absolutely not.

First off, with respect to the kid, 6 months after you two broke up, she invited you to spend the entire day on a visit because he was in town. If that’s not “toying with his emotions” then how bad can one phone call on his birthday be?

Sending her copies of the pictures… I probably wouldn’t have done that, if I hadn’t had any contact with her since Thanksgiving. However, it’s been quite a long time since you broke up, she’s got to get a grip on her emotions and move on. If she can’t it’s fairly simple to block emails from you, then she won’t have to worry about it anymore.

16

It was inappropriate to call the kid. You no longer have a relationship with this woman, and that means you no longer have a relationship with the kid.

Sending her the pictures was weird if you have another girlfriend now. You might say you were just being friendly, but you also said that you thought she had a hard time with the break up. Unless your intentuion is to try to rekindle something, don’t send her pictures.

I don’t think you meant any harm, but you have to make a clean cut. You’re muddling a lot of boundaries here, and it’s clearly bugging her. Move on (and don’t call that kid anymore).

17

Don’t call the kid. He’s part of her life, which is no longer part of yours, so you can’t really talk to him without confusing the kid and making your ex feel like she’s lost control of part of her life on your account.

Don’t email pictures of your life after the relationship to your ex. It’s tough, when you still have strong feelings for an ex, to just be happy that they’ve moved on and are having a great time without you. It hurts. It sounds like a bit of an overreaction on her part, but don’t bother pointing that out, it’ll just make things worse.

Don’t bother asking the question “who is more wrong?” It’s pointless and combative, and there’s no reasonable answer one can give anyway. Just look out for her feelings in the future.