Sorry, but I think you screwed up.
He should have been told. If I was in his situation and found out that someone in my exwife’s house had “inappropriately touched” my daughter, andd it had been hidden from me, I would be FUMING.
Oh to the heart of the matter…my son, the one I have custody of (he is 18 now), went on a rampage and decided the best way to make problems for my step son was to tell my ex about my daughter. He was totally vindictive and had no thought what so ever about my daughter, she was begging him to let it go. I told you, two years we have had no problems or issues, and them my son gets a wild hair and lets loose on us.
Err…again, speaking as a father of “my princess” - what exactly does* that *mean?
This isn’t something I would easily accept.
Reading your OP it sounds like there was an element of force involved - I wouldn’t be happy that that has gone away, and I wouldn’t accept ANY situation of the house being “secured” short of the boy not being there anymore.
The exception would have been if I had been involved in the decision making from the start. Otherwise it just feels like you are trying to hide and keep things from me - which makes the incident look worse than it was.
If you went through mediation it is still legally binding, isn’t it?
At any rate, you should leave well enough alone.
I think that you should be thankful that the step son hasn’t had his ass stomped into the ground by dad (hers, not his). Your daughter was sexually assaulted, and is still living in the house with her assailant. This is unreal. You should be slipping her dad some extra cash and thanking him on an hourly basis for taking your daughter out of that house.
You need to find a new therapist for your daughter, and you need a new Case Worker that isn’t as mad as a hatter.
I’m sorry you’re in a bad spot, but, the girl is in a place 20 times better than she was before dad took her.
Best wishes,
hh
I think it comes down to:-
- is he an arse who is just being difficult because he can be.
= lawyer up
- he really cares, and feels you have handled it badly.
Meet, Talk, maybe with a 3rd party to mediate.
- somewhere in between.
see 2
I would have been pissed about someone not telling me too…but I am telling you, whether I was right or wrong, when I looked at my daughters face and she was begging me not to tell her dad I wasn’t thinking “hmmmm…will it hurt his feelings or not?” I was thinking what can I do that SHE wants. What can I do to make HER feel better. At that moment in time it was all about HER and not her dad or I. I also mentioned that I talked it through with her therapist as well and decided that I would keep my promise.
Yeah, but she was a minor. he is her father. On what planet shouldn’t he be told?
Unless of course he has some sort of history or asshattery that makes it impractical to tell him.
I think you first step should be to apologise most profusely to him that he wasn’t told, and explain your reasoning.
At the moment, I am kinda assuming that dad heard “sexual assault” paired that with “the boy is still living in the same house” and with little other information freaked the fuck out. And quite rightly. You have a hell of a lot of convincing to do as to why this is ok.
Secondly, it sounds like you know what school she is going to? Why not contact them and see if you can find out how she is doing?
She must have told him because how else did he find out? As others have said, hospitals won’t perform a rape kit based on a fondling done 2 years ago. You may be the one in the dark here.
Does your daughter have a cell phone? Can you try and text her?
My ex is really not a bad guy, he is just answers to situations in extreme measures. I was not hiding anything from him. I would have called him on the spot if my daughter had let me. He has always had my back with helping and issues with the kids.
What to do, get rid of one of my kids? I am responsible for two children here in the in the home, one I gave birth to and one that I am the only mother to. Thats like telling an adopted child to get the “F” out. I decided that I was not going to give up on either one of my kids. Therapy helped and because they were 12 when it happened, the law views it differently.
I can safely end this thread conversation with the feeling that I have done the best I could.
Why couldn’t have gone to stay with her father, in the first place? Rather than stay with her abuser. You didn’t have to kick your step-son out, but you did have the option of getting your daughter out of there.
This sort of comment upsets me.
You weren’t hiding anything from him? Well not much, just that his 12 year old had been assaulted. Small matter that. Nothing to worry about right?
And secondly, your 12 year old wouldn’t let you? Who’s the adult here?
It seems that until you stop with this, things won’t go far with your ex. Until you can genuinely admit to him that yes he should have been told, and that yes, I was keeping it from you (for genuine reasons though) I don’t think you will get very far.
I don’t mean this as a pile on type of thing where you are slammed. But do try and see it from his point of view.
Imagaine a father comes in here and said “hey guys, I just found out that my daughter was molested. The mother is keeping it from me, and her assailant is still living in the same house” What sort of advice do you think he would be given?
Do you think he is acting pretty much in line with the sort of advice he would be given? Except perhaps he should be more communicativee to you. I would be willing to be that the first thing the dope would say is “get her the fuck outta that situation”. Which is what he has done.
I think that until you stop with the thoughts of “I did the right thing” and “it was ok not to tell him” I really don’t see any reason why he would even want to talk to you. Why should he? Just to hear why it is ok that a sexual assailant is still living in the house with his daughter? It is a weird situation - he needs to be convinced and comfortable with the steps that you have taken.
And all of this is on the assumption that nothing further has happened that you don’t (yet) know about. If something else has happened, what makes you so sure that
a) you would know
and
b) if your ex knows about a more recent incident - why would he want to tell you? After all, you hid the first instance, sweeping it under the carpet (from his point of view), making you look pretty complicit in the assault (again from his point of view)
[quote=“bengangmo, post:31, topic:578028”]
This sort of comment upsets me.
You weren’t hiding anything from him? Well not much, just that his 12 year old had been assaulted. Small matter that. Nothing to worry about right?
Let me just clue you in that the “inappropriate touch” was my then twelve year old step son ran his hands across my daughters chest. I cannot and will not think under any terms that 12 year old boy was or is a sexual assailant.
And secondly, your 12 year old wouldn’t let you? Who’s the adult here?
What would I have gained telling him at that time? She was already distraught enough and telling him would have caused even more problems (in case you forgot, he totally took her out of the school and away from friends she has been with for almost 9 years now, there is no calling the school to find out how she is. That is the kind of ASSHATTY thing he would have done and IS DOING now). What do you think is worse for a teenager?
I AM the adult , and be that as it may, this is the humble opinion section and well, you are entitled to yours. By the way, are you sure this isn’t my ex? You guys sure sound alike.
[quote=“TKOCC, post:32, topic:578028”]
Yet the incident was a big enough deal for you to change your employment, for cousellors to be sought and for there to be a case worker.
I kinda suspected that what happened was of the scale you are talking - and for what it’s worth, if that’s all that happened I don’t think it’s a big deal - infact I probably wouldn’t even do much about it personally.
HOWEVER, if it really wasn’t that big a deal, all the more you should have told the father. I think it’s the whole “he wasn’t told” thing that has probably blown this out of all proportion.
For me, if I had been told, along with the steps you have taken, I would most likely be “meh, and?” but if I found out through other means, then my imagination would run rampant - which is going to result in the sort of situation you now have.
He is involved enough in her life to have alternate weekends, and the custody papers list him as the primary. Something of this magnitude he should have been told. The more you try to say “I did the right thing” and “He should not have been told” the more it starts to sound like there is more that he should know about. That you also haven’t shared.
I understand why you made the choice to do as your daughter asked you to do. But I also can understand why your ex is probably feeling betrayed and angry or worried or whatever.
I think your only hope is to try to have a reasonable conversation with your ex. He needs to know exactly what happened, the steps you took to insure that it would never happen again and why you made the decision to keep it from him in the first place. Perhaps your daughter can be part of the conversation and explain why SHE didn’t want him to know. Maybe she knew he would not be ok with her remaining in the house with your stepson or maybe it was embarrassment on her part, but perhaps hearing it from her will help him to have a better understanding.
I hope he will be open to a conversation. It may not lead to you regaining full custody, but I would hope that at least you can have some contact with your child. Good Luck.
Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t conceive of ANY 15 year-old girl (young woman, actually) allowing herself to be subjected to a pelvic exam (with her father in the waiting room down the hall) because her little brother once grabbed at her tits over two years ago.
Something stinks here, a dank, rotting smell like something wafting out from under a bridge…
I agree there’s something really weird about that. The father is being paranoid and controlling to the point of being suspicious. I concur that you have to get a lawyer.
Or something happened recently that the girl didn’t tell her mother. I doubt any hospital would voluntarily do a rape kit for groping that happened years ago.
Just because you are no longer married, it doesn’t mean he stops bing her father. You had an obligation, not only as a co-parent - but as a human being - to tell the parent of a minor child that this has happened. Your description of the event reeks of “blame the victim” mentality and a defensive, clouded judgement regarding your son.
One big question I have: Why was your daughter so afraid of her father finding out? If it was embarrassment/guilt/fear of being blamed for what happened (which is totally understandable and even expected), then don’t you think that keeping it a secret only validates your daughters feelings of guilt and possibly caused more damage than if you’d treated it it like it was only him “running his hands down her chest” and not that big a deal.
yeah, but to be fair
- We don’t know what the father told the hospital
- We don’t know where the kit was done and how ethical they are - I guess it’s entirely a possibility that their attitude was “well, he wants it, and is willing to pay so why not?”
Without knowing any details beyond what’s been posted in this thread, I still feel the father may have a case here. He’s just found out that his daughter was sexually abused, that you knew about it and concealed it from him, and that you had the daughter still living in the same household with her abuser. You can say everything has been handled but I can see where he has cause to question what you’re saying.
I’m not saying the father is right and you’re wrong but it definitely is not a situation where I’d say he’s wrong and you’re right.