I’m not one to join in on pile-ons but TKOCC, you and your family seem to specialize in wildly inappropriate over-reactions.
You: 13 year-old stepson runs hands across daughter’s chest. Your response? Thereapy for the boy, ongoing therapy for girl, you quit your full-time job to ensure that another such travesty never reoccurs.
Your son: In an effort to get back at you, informs the father about a two-year old incident probably knowing full well that this could create a familial shit-storm. It works!
Father: Removes daughter from school, blocks phone, computer etc., denies you visitation and has a rape kit (!!!) performed.
I mean can you step back from the situation and realize this is some kind of f’ed up?
Despite that, no offense and all. Hope things work out for everyone but you have to acknowledge you, your family and the peculiar way you’ve chosen to deal with things had to play a contributing factor in all of this.
Do you actually know what the stepson told the dad? He may not have told her he just ran his hands across her chest, but something more akin to “I felt your girl up, what do you think about that?” And so dad goes to the girl, girl breaks down crying out of guilt that she’s been found out and never told. Maybe dad assumes that there was more, maybe something like that.
Either way, you should have had a conversation about this with him at the time. He is the girl’s dad. I am all for respecting a young girl’s feelings, but he should have known, and if he was willing to take custody, yes, she should have gone there. Who are you to decide it’s OK for her to live at home with her abuser?
Good luck with everything and I really hope it works out. I really do. But if you step back from the situation you might think everything has worked out for the best now…it might be best if she stays with him.
And are you really, really, really sure he hasn’t done anything else?
If I’m reading right, there are three children involved, not two. The daughter, the stepson who did something and the son who is the daughter’s full sibling and told Dad what happened (or a version of it whatever the case may be).
There have to be ways that you can get in contact with your daughter. Call from a different phone number. Set up a new email account. Hell, set up a new Facebook account. Text her from a different phone. Send her a certified letter.
Since when does begging not to tell dad = in the best interests of your daughter? Sometimes, parents have to make choices that will hurt their children’s precious snowflake feelings in order to best protect them from danger.
P.S. I was that 15-year-old girl once. I was abused by my stepbrother. I am now 41 and I am still white-hot livid enraged at my parents for not doing their goddamn jobs as parents to protect me from a sexual predator. I vividly remember begging and begging one parent not to tell the other. You know what she said to me? She wasn’t worried about my precious snowflake feeeeeeelings. She said, “Your dad and I are partners and I will not lie to him about this and I will not keep it from him.”
He needed to know, so he could finally do his job of protecting me. I hated her for it at the time, but she did the right thing by worrying less about my precious snowflake feelings and worrying more about informing my father so they could discuss the best ways to take action to make me safe.
That does seem to be the case here. She didn’t want to talk to him about what happened - her right, really, as I presume any assault victim would attest - and the situation wasn’t swept under a rug or anything (counselors, therapy, etc.) Clearly, she didn’t want him to know because she knew her father well enough to know that he’d lose his shit no matter how he found out or when he was told.
You are assuming the daughter wants to talk with her mother. Surely she could find a way to contact her mother if she desired contact, unless her father has her chained up.
I know you feel it’s over the top, but I probably would’ve removed the girl from your home, too. I wouldn’t prevent her from talking to you or seeing you, but I can definitely understand some level of overreaction on the part of the father.
I have a strong visceral reaction to even the thought of one of my kids being harmed. If living with you meant that they also had to live with someone who was willing to touch them inappropriately, even in the past, and who went on a “violent rampage” recently, I don’t think I’d want her living there, either, until I could somehow be convinced it was safe.
Think of it from his perspective - you didn’t tell him at the time and your daughter was very young. It doesn’t matter how old your son was or what your daughter asked you to do - since the father was considered primary custodian, even if it was only on paper, and since he’s clearly very much involved in your daughter’s life, he should’ve been told anyway. So now that he’s found out about it, he’s probably wondering what else you haven’t told him.
Just my take. I know how hard it is to see your kids suffer. And I understand the temptation to acceed to their wishes. But (and I know you know this), there are a lot of times you just have to suck it up and do what you know is right, even when your kid disagrees with you. At 12, it’s not like she’s stupid, but she probably didn’t expect the incident to get escalated like it did, and she doesn’t understand like you do that sometimes you have to do something you really, really don’t feel good doing to do what’s right. She doesn’t have a big picture idea of what your actions would mean both to her situation and your relationship with her father. If at the time you felt you really wanted to say something, you probably should’ve.
Now that the damage is done, definitely get a lawyer, if only for an initial consultation.
I agree with some of the posts that indicate something peculiar about certain aspects of the story, but in a short question, the entire chapter & verse gets extremely long.
Some of the other posts that are accusatory may be understandable, but they’re offering opinions based upon incomplete information.
I have to agree with those who say to lawyer up. Regardless of the original court arrangement, there is an important aspect called Custodial Environment, which has been established in your home. While important, it will still be countered by the [acknowledged] sexual situation that has manifested itself, so you will need a competent lawyer to wade through those landmines.
Further, your ex cannot simply modify the arrangement on his own, even for his daughter’s protection. He can temporarily keep her from your home, pending his own petition to the court for modification, but he can’t arbitrarily decide on his own to make it permanent. Again, you’ll need a competent lawyer to push that issue.
And then, regardless of the situation in your home, you cannot be denied all visitation under any pretext, real or imagined, without a specific court order. Even if only supervised or controlled visitation is permitted, as a parent you still have that right. Again, you will need a competent lawyer to keep from having your visitation rights reduced to nearly non-existent.
Bottom line, the ONLY way to resolve this is in court. And it will be messy. Which is why I say you need a COMPETENT lawyer. Because most lawyers just go through the technicalities of legal paperwork, and the client gets buried beneath that. (Any lawyer who tells you, “Here’s how it usually works…” and then predicts how lousy your chances are, but if you insist, he’ll represent you, tell him to take a walk. He’s already apologizing upfront for his failure.)
Get a lawyer. But be prepared for the fact that the court may feel that residence with her father is the best scenario. On one hand, you’re downplaying the whole incident, it’s no big deal, etc. On the other, you have had the kids in therapy for over two years, quit your full-time job, etc. Either it is a big deal, in which case you should certainly have told her father, or it wasn’t a big deal, in which case you still should’ve told her father. Just because she asked *in the moment * doesn’t give you the right to withhold from him important information about his daughter.
I’m sorry TKOCC, but your reaction not to tell the father on something this significant is inappropriate. What if your daughter had told you not to do anything at all about it (no punishment of the step son, no therapy, nothing) - to simply forget it - would you?
Hands down, you were absolutely wrong in not telling her father. Whether she wanted you to or not, that is her father and he has every right to know about major issues happening in the life of his child (and if this was major enough for CPS to be involved and for you to change your job, it sure as shit was major enough to tell dad).
If I were in his position, I’d wonder what else you had lied to me about. I can’t say I would act any differently than he is.
Incorrect. It certainly isn’t the primary reason for the procedure in hospitals, but as was mentioned earlier in the thread when there is a report of abuse that was unreported for such a length of time the hospital would perform the procedure to see if they can find evidence of current abuse. Why on earth would the doctor/police/courts believe the word of a woman who hid this type of information from the father?
The OP quit her job and rearranged her life because of the incident so I can’t say I totally believe her current backpedaling.
Also, to the OP:
Look at how many times you refer to the girl as “MY daughter” and not our daughter. On its own is certainly nothing, but couple it with the fact that you’ve decided on what information you give her father I’d say it shows how you feel about his position in your lives.
You did wrong IMHO. You seem hellbent on correcting anyone (with excuses) who holds that opinion so why did you make this thread?
Without her cooperation, they have no case. If the girls was groped on the boobs by her step-brother 2 years ago, and that was truly the extent of the abuse (which I doubt), then I do not believe for one second that a DA would order a rape kit to be performed. And if they did, then they have lost their ever loving minds.
Something else is going on here. Because the whole situation is making me go :dubious:.
Generally I agree, but if the caseworker and the therapist both agreed that the girl’s wishes should be honored, I can see deferring to their judgment. In a situation like this, when you are torn in so many directions and you really, honestly are not sure what the right thing to do is, I can see a reasonable person letting two professionals, who often deal with this situation, cast the deciding vote.
That is, of course, assuming they actually said “it’s best for her if you let her keep this quiet for now”, not some more ambiguous statement.
I have a hard time imagining any caseworker agreeing that a minor’s parent, especially one who is the primary custodian, not be informed about something like this.
Maybe the stepson is still molesting her. Maybe the son is molesting her and blamed it on the stepson. Maybe everything is fine and the son lied and made it sound worse than it is. You don’t really know who said what to whom, and what your daughter may have told her father. At any rate, you are in deep doo-doo.