My Father-in-law died today

He was 91. He had a good life. He had been ill for a long time.
Almost everyone in the family is taking it well, except my husband.

He’s angry. At everyone and everything. He headed for his Mom’s right now. I’m really worried about him.

Why is he angry? At his loss? I can understand that.

How far away is his mother’s place? Will he call when he gets there? If his emotions are in turmoil he may have problems driving safely.

I am so sorry for the loss you all are experiencing. Keep us posted on your husband, we want to be sure the whole family is safe.

Sorry for your loss, and sorry that it’s hit your husband so badly. I hope he gets better soon.

Jeez. I’m sorry for your loss too, but 91? I’m sorry to say that I don’t understand how anyone could be angry at losing a 91 year old.

Sad? Reflective? Upset? Sorry? Sure, but angry?

I’m not getting it.

Yes, he’s never lost anyone close. He thought he’d be ok with it. Dad was in pain for a long time. Hubby knew it would be a release when it came, but it hit him hard.

We all grieve differently, but, we all grieve, when we lose someone close. He thought, because he’s a healthcare professional, he would be able to treat it clinically. He was wrong.
I was a critical care RN and he saw how poorly I handled my son’s death.

He drove around for a while, then came home still angry. He jumped around (Not literally) I gave him ice cream then he left again.

A few minutes ago he called from a hotel about halfway between here and Mom’s (It’s about 100 miles, but 40 of that is by ferry).
He’s much calmer. He’s going to put out the Do Not Disturb sign, lock the door, and drink the Crown Royal he took with him. Then, he’ll throw up and sleep until noon tomorrow. He took a half gallon he got for Christmas last year. He really doesn’t drink often or much, so I think he’ll be asleep in an hour.

Have you never heard someone complain about how their sister Louisa, or their Uncle Bert, or Grandpa Bob, “went into the old folks’ home and then died, they killed him!”

Never mind that the people in question were 86, 79 and 93 respectively and that each of them had a medical history occupying several volumes. They went to the old folks’ home and then died, because the people at the old folks’ home killed 'em! My grandma tries to do it about her sisters… I think Aunt Mari was 86 (had dementia and a heart condition) and Aunt Laura 93 (the bitchy temper wasn’t dementia, it was just her; the diabetes, heart condition, and multiple bouts with cancer were medical in nature), but I may be off by one or two years.

It’s his Dad.

I get it. I lost my son 14 years ago, and the pain, anger, guilt and every other possible negative emotion still show up, unexpectedly. It’s less often all the time, but it’s there.
Never let anyone tell you that you “get over” your grief. You don’t. It just shows up less and less often, until you forget that it’s there. Then a song comes on, or a re-run of a TV show, and Wham! It’s right there in your face again. It never lasts long, now, but it has just as much intensity it did with that first phone call.

And, do you still feel 25 inside (or 20 or 16 or whatever) ? Even at 91, Hubby was still daddy’s little boy and Dad was the fireman that his son looked up to.

Telling someone they’re grieving wrong is like telling them they’re eyes are too brown.

I apologize. Of course we all grieve differently. I, personally, would not get angry over the death of a 91 year old.

Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

You might be surprised.

Picunurse, you are so right about how grief never goes away. And why would we want it to, really? If I could stop grieving my mom or my dad it would be like I stopped loving them.

Anger is one of the five stages of the famous Kübler-Ross model of grieving.

I made a mistake. I apologize. My grieving process is different. I humbly bow out now.

There’s no wrong way to grieve.

I’m so sorry, picunurse. I hope your husband comes to terms soon.

I’m so very sorry, picunurse.

So sorry for your family’s loss, and hope your husband is able to make his peace with it soon.

What the hell planet are you from? People have all sorts of reactions to death, few of them rational. I don’t think I’d want to be around a person who reacted logically to his father’s death.

Picunurse, I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you, all, for the kind words and support.
Hubby’s ok. He called and apologized. He’ll be home in the morning.

I’m sorry, picunurse.
FWIW, I don’t think your husband has anything to apologize for.
My father’s sudden death hit me hard, 20 years ago. Of course it still hurts even now at times, but in a gentler and more reflective way.

There is no way to lose a parent that isn’t traumatic, I think. Watching them go through a long decline, suffer infirmities, suddenly without warning, at 50 or 90, it’s all disturbing and upsetting regardless.

(I lost my Gran when she was 104. And it made me very angry when people would say, “Oh, but she was 104!” I wanted to tell them all to STFU ! )

I’m so sorry for your loss, glad to hear your husband is feeling better, you’ll be in my prayers.

I’m sorry that this has hit your husband so hard, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it alone. I truly hope he can deal with his grief and that you can help him thru it. And I wish you all the strength you need to support him and manage your own feelings. You can post your frustrations here if you need to vent and you don’t want to add to his stress.

My husband was a rock when my dad died - he helped keep me centered. We’ll see if I can do the same for him some day. Grieving is so personal - even depending upon who it was that we lost - every instance is unique, so we just figure it out as we go along. May peace find you both very soon.

He was my rock when Michael died, but he barely knew him. I hope I can be as good for him as he was for me.
The difference was his parents have been “Mom & Dad” to me for 20 years. I’m mourning too. While not the same, I’m still hurt that I didn’t get to say good bye.