My first year at The Home with a question about living in community

In My Humble Opinion
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Continuing the discussion from Retirement communities - would be interested in any stories or opinions on this subject:

Hi @Bullitt :wave:t4: How ya doin’? Seen any good eclipses lately? :sunglasses:

We are now coming up on a year since I moved to what I affectionately refer to as The Home (with a nod to Johnny Carson).

I have a long thread on that from a year ago starting with August 4, 2023, when my landlord basically kicked me out of my beautiful house where I had lived for 11 years, because he and his wife were getting a divorce and she needed to move into the house. :cry: So I came to this senior retirement residence, on September 4, 2023 (suffering with COVID at the time), which I knew I would move to eventually but I wasn’t ready to do a year ago. Yet, here I am.

[I can’t bear to go back and reread that thread. Much of what follows will be repetitious, no doubt.]

For those contemplating such a move I would recommend that you go to the facility several times, visit, eat in the dining room, and talk to other residents. Find out if they like it there, if they’re happy. I highly recommend that you choose a nonprofit or a faith-based residence even if you are not a faith-based person. Profit-making institutions are there to make money for their investors. Nonprofits and faith-based institutions are there to serve the community and/or serve God. It makes a huge difference in the philosophy of the organization. We have residents who’ve come to this facility from at least three profit-making institutions in town-- I call them refugees. Their expenses went up every year, they couldn’t get repairs and other things done in a timely fashion, and the food wasn’t very good. The atmosphere here is very friendly and welcoming. People are happy. You know, our generation still knows how to make eye contact, greet people, have conversations, etc. A table full of people in the dining room is chatting, not looking at their phones. When I first moved here, my neighbor (across the hall) and I described it as a cross between a cruise ship and a sorority house. (More men have moved in since then.)

The Home is strictly senior independent living. The threshold age to move in is 55, but I think we only have one person that young, and she has major health problems. The average age here I think is mid-70s-80-ish. Kind of where I am, at age 76. Also this is strictly independent living. There is no medical care on this property, no nurses, no caregivers except those that individual residents hire as independent contractors. On the weekends there is not even any administrative staff. There are about 100 people here all together, and we’re right at capacity. A handful of couples, maybe six couples. The vast majority of residents are single, and of those, most are widows, both male and female.

Someone asked me the other day wouldn’t I rather be in a place that had all levels of care from independent down to assisted living down to skilled nursing and down presumably to the graveyard at the back of the property? Okay, strike that last part. I told her I’m not ready to see all of that yet. I don’t want to be looking at my future every day. There are people here who use walkers or wheelchairs, but everybody is capable of living by themselves in an apartment. Right now that suits me. I guess eventually I’ll have to go to a higher level of care, but I really don’t want to think about that right now.

Financially, this makes a lot of sense for me because all of my living expenses are covered, including utilities, basic cable, landline, wifi, one substantial meal a day. (I use my own T-Mobile gateway for wifi.) There is housekeeping once a month that’s covered, but I have my own cleaner who’s been with me for 11 years. There’s no concern about maintenance/repairs, obviously, and no more yard work. For some, the latter is a hardship and a loss (one guy owned a plant nursery), so they’ve formed a group that does some yard stuff, even though there is a landscaping company that comes around twice a week. I do my own laundry in the laundry room down the hall. Some people have washers and dryers in their apartments, but I don’t mind sharing. We take our own trash down to the dumpster as often as we need to. Doing this stuff ourselves keeps the lease cost down. My two-bedroom apartment is about 840 sq ft, just slightly smaller than the 1925 Craftsman house I moved from. I’m on the second floor and unfortunately, have no direct outside access. (Some apartments have balconies/patios.) My two cats are now 100% inside, but at least I always know where they are and that they’re safe. My total monthly lease is $2,300. I would not be able to live for that in a house in San Antonio if I had to pay my own utilities and worry about yard work and groceries. I think it’s a heck of a deal.

I want to discuss (and get others’ thoughts) about what it’s like living in a community-- a completely new experience for me. I grew up as an only child. I never lived in a dorm. The last time I was around people regularly every day was when I worked, but we didn’t live together. I started freelancing in 1988. Since then, I have either been married to one other person, or lived by myself. As a consultant, I went to see individual clients one or two days a week for a couple of hours but was never on staff. (BTW, the parent organization of The Home was my client about 20 years ago, so I knew all about their philosophy, mission, and programs. I moved my mother from California to their assisted living unit in 2016.)

At The Home there are quite a few group activities. Besides the expected bingo, Mexican trains (some kind of dominoes game), mah-jongg, chair volleyball, Happy Hour with a singer, etc., the activity director is excellent and knocks himself out presenting clever activities. I’m pretty much a loner, so I don’t go to those unless I think they’re really going to be a lot of fun (or excellent food will be involved).

Being around and living with people every day who see me, know me, recognize me, notice if I’m wearing something new, notice if I’m quiet or talkative, expect me to greet them and chat-- that’s a newie. And not always what I’m in the mood for. Even so, it’s good that there are people around if I want company or just want to know that I’m not totally alone. And obviously, it’s very good for safety reasons.

I would be interested in people’s comments about living alone versus living in a community. Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night notwithstanding, I’m not 100% on board with the “Aging in Place” movement up to the end of a person’s life, especially if you can’t get out and around much on your own. Having only your spouse and a caregiver/home health worker to see and talk to every day isn’t enough social interaction IMHO, even for an introvert like me. Not to mention that downsizing and moving to a smaller place spares your heirs the burden of dealing with Your Stuff.

That’s all I have for now, but if people have questions about The Home or living here I would be glad to answer them.

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Thank you for opening the discussion at this level.

This is the part that attracts me and scares me at the same time. (No immediate prospect for me of moving to such a place as long as my husband is around, so this is all speculative for me.)

Are conversations only about safe subjects, i.e. are politics and religion off the table, and how is that handled (formally or informally)? Especially conversations in shared spaces – not only do I not want to have such conversations, I don’t want to hear other people having them, it drives me nuts. I know that’s my quirk, and that other people don’t mind or even like such conversations.

Have you had to develop social skills that you didn’t feel like you had before? Have you encountered people you don’t particularly want to socialize with but who want to socialize with you, and how were you able to handle it? And vice versa, scraping acquaintance with people who interest you but who are aloof loners?

edited to add: Is gossip a problem?

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Do you or have you ever worked in an office or on a staff? Where people know each other so well that you can walk in one morning and two people say, “Nice dress-- is it new?” or “You got your hair cut-- looks nice!” Sometimes that can be aggravating-- sort of claustrophobic-- to observe you so closely. Some days you just want to be incognito.

It interests me that you say it scares you. Do you mean it might make you feel uncomfortable, intruded upon, scrutinized? Do you consider yourself shy or timid? There is a woman here-- one of my new friends-- who is a widow from a 40-year marriage. At first she didn’t eat in the dining room because she felt timid about sitting with someone she didn’t know or even about sitting by herself. But we’re all peers here. There’s no Captain of the Football Team, or Homecoming Queen. There are no Pink Ladies, T-Birds, Sharks, Jets, Frat Boys, Nerds, Cool Kids, Rich Kids. There are some rich-ish people here but everyone is free to socialize with everyone.

Are conversations only about safe subjects, i.e. are politics and religion off the table, and how is that handled (formally or informally)?

As with any place, you find out who holds similar views to yours, WRT to both politics and religion. There are a couple of trumpers here and I don’t talk politics with them. (For those who think Texas is wall-to-wall MAGAs, note that in a random community of 100, there are only 2-3 trumpers.) My sense is that most people are either Democrat-leaning or at least generically liberal. I watched the convention the first night with my across-the-hall neighbor. BTW there are a few gays here and at least five of us are Jewish. Many Hispanics, one or two Blacks.

The hardest thing for me-- and it’s not just here, it’s in the world in general-- is that I can’t find people who will have deep conversations about intellectual subjects. I mean, I like to talk about TV shows, recipes, makeup, cute cat tricks as much as the next person, but sometimes I hunger for serious conversation-- what do you think, what have you read, what do you believe and why. I’ve found two people who can talk at that level with me here. The SDMB has quite a few of those people but they’re hard to find in the wild.

There are probably people here that I could talk to the way that I want to, but I haven’t connected with them yet. People have VERY interesting backgrounds and stories. Once a month someone gives a talk about their life history. Some are quite surprising. (I don’t plan to do that.)

Especially conversations in shared spaces – not only do I not want to have such conversations, I don’t want to hear other people having them, it drives me nuts. I know that’s my quirk, and that other people don’t mind or even like such conversations.

Like it is in most of the company dining rooms around the country, conversation at lunch is pretty superficial. You won’t find anyone starting a rant about politics and/or religion. There is one table in the dining room where the two MAGAs sit, and the guy has started getting so opinionated (he admits he is) that some of the people who used to sit there have moved elsewhere.

I can’t imagine a situation where you would overhear a conversation that others were having that would bother you that much. If it did, you could just get up and leave. I don’t consider it quirk (at least not one that needs defending) if you don’t want to listen to conversations about topics that bother you. In my case, if people start talking about hunting (and this is a big hunting area) I just get up and leave. I sometimes bail on the grandchildren stories…you can only listen to so many. But I will always stay for Cute Pet Tricks stories.

Let’s face it, human nature doesn’t change and in fact, it’s safe to say it doesn’t even mature all that much. IOW this is a bit like the high school cafeteria, except that there aren’t cliques that you can’t break in to. People are friendly and superficial like in the rest of the world.

There are other activities where people hang out together-- bingo, Mexican trains (some kind of dominoes), different crafts classes-- but those aren’t (and frankly, have never been) my cup of tea. I don’t know what the conversation is about in those settings.

There is a LOT of talk about families and especially grandchildren! I found that out in the working world and I never had anything to contribute there either. Lots of people travel to visit family members or family comes here for lunch or special events.

Have you had to develop social skills that you didn’t feel like you had before?

My career was in fundraising so my job forced me to develop social skills whether I wanted to or not. Just as well, because my parents never had parties, never had anyone over-- not to dinner, not on holidays, not EVER-- and I didn’t know how to behave around other people until I taught myself from observation and reading etiquette books. I doubt if you would need any more social skills than you currently possess. You know, most people lack confidence and feel very unsure about their social skills. In fact, I believe most people feel unsure about themselves in general. Which is why one of the winningest skills a person can develop and hone is putting other people at ease. That starts with empathy.

I do have a tendency to blurt out statements that I instantly regret. I have a bit of an existential chip on my shoulder and wish I could curb some of my spontaneous statements. When I do that, I just want to go and hide. And often do. Sometimes I apologize first.

Have you encountered people you don’t particularly want to socialize with but who want to socialize with you, and how were you able to handle it?

Yes, and I just sort of ignore them or avoid them. That’s one thing about a community that’s good, you can avoid people. There’s one woman here who is in her 90s and Full of Herself. She reminds me of the cartoon character Maxine. I tried to engage with her at first because she has an incredible background and story, but she just looked right through me. So now I completely ignore her. There’s a lady in my building who has a bit of dementia and I find her very annoying (not just because of that). So I kind of ignore her, too. Hey, there are plenty of other nice people who will talk to her. I don’t have to.

And vice versa, scraping acquaintance with people who interest you but who are aloof loners?

Right as I moved in I bonded with my neighbor across the hall. But that seems to have cooled. I’m not sure why. She’s an introvert like me, but also a Dutiful Team Player (a preacher’s kid AND a retired nurse) and participates in many activities. Spreads herself thin. People ask her for help and she helps. So in the late afternoon, she tends to hide out in her apartment. She’ll say, “I’m done people-ing for the day.” She got very involved with helping Maxine and now she’s burned out and has started to ignore her, too.

edited to add: Is gossip a problem?

I’m not sure what you mean by a problem. There is gossip, by which I mean that when something happens, word spreads fast and that’s a good thing. If someone is in the hospital or got a new dog (LOTS of pets here!), or is going on a trip, or unfortunately, has COVID, I like to know. If you mean snarky backbiting-- I don’t think so. These are really nice, kind, well-behaved people-- mostly women.

Writing this out has helped me think about this topic in more depth that I had done up to this point. So thank you for asking. Do continue the conversation, if you’re inclined.

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The essential question:

How are the cats taking it?

(You’ve already told us how you’re taking it, which would otherwise be equally essential.)

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I’m glad you got right to the crux of the matter!

I think they’re doing okay. EC is on my lap on the sofa. Tikva is asleep in the chair near the window. I’m certainly doing better not worrying about bringing them in every night. Or worrying about them being exposed to possums, raccoons, skunks, and other cats in the neighborhood. They’re both older now, at least 10 years each. In fact Tikva has a birthday coming up very soon. So they do a lot more lying around than when they were younger.

I get a fair number of Amazon deliveries, and when I do I usually leave the box open on the floor for several days so they can sit in it and smell it and experience something that came from outside the walls of this apartment. Because neither one of them will ever go outside again. That’s kind of sad, and yet it also means that they will not ever be in danger again. They were both outside all day every day. And there is a lot of bad stuff outside for cats.

Tikva sleeps with me most nights. EC sleeps in the living room. If I take a nap, however, both of them usually join me, one on either side. So I’m like the DMZ in between the two armies. Sadly, they do not get along. And still chase and punch each other.

At least 3/4 of the people who live here have cats or dogs or both. Having a dog in an apartment to me is problematic.

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For the record, I don’t blame you, but you were quite the trooper, and your opinions and comfort level grew dramatically once you reached the home. Agreed though, that the first half would probably be heartbreaking to go over again.

One thing I did remember, and you may want to emphasize for the purposes of those looking for similar facilities, is ask residents how responsive the facility is in following up on requests for fixes, repairs, etc. It’s something you mentioned that the “for profit” refugees had a hard time with in their prior locations, but IIRC, you had a very quick time getting help with some plumbing/water issues at the Home.

Still glad to see it’s comfy, and while it may not be a perfect match for people who need more assistance in getting around or getting on-site medical help, it is good to you.

Oh, and it’s a mitzvah to share your (painful) experiences in seeking to aid others. So give yourself a pat on the back as well!

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This is true –

but if they’re not perpetually trying to escape, then they’re probably not upset about it. They certainly know what a door is, and can presumably see out at least some of the windows.

That may well be relevant.

I think it depends on the dog; though I suspect some people have dogs in apartments who shouldn’t be living in apartments.

With the one I’ve got, it certainly wouldn’t work.

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There are indeed pictures of such in the prior thread!

But actually, I came to the thread reminded of something else, although this time from my parents downsizing their prior home. Although it did come up a good bit in @ThelmaLou’s prior thread - and that’s both evaluating what you need in terms of your current possessions, and whether the new locations makes good use of space.

The prior thread discussed how, when boxing everything up, how much you realize you may be keeping something because you -can-, not because you need it. It’s something that you can (I did for a bit, but got lazy about it) be more proactive about doing for yourself at any time. Do I reaaaaally need to save this box of VHS tapes? I do still have a VHS player in a box, but seriously, am I ever going to get either out, when it’d be easier to just stream it (leaving out rare things that never got a streaming or DVD release).

The second part comes from two decades ago when my wife and I were house hunting for the first (and so far only) time. There were a lot of houses we liked, but you’d get inside and they were full of architectural weirdness that meant you couldn’t put a couch / tv / computer effectively in the space.

Same thing came up at one of my father’s properties (he occasionally flips them smartly) and I said to him, “Who puts a micro-office at the top of steep stairs??? How is anyone going to get a desk and desktop up there?”

I guess maybe for someone who uses a micro desk and a laptop it makes some sense, but use of space at a new place is always a concern.

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The thing is, because I live on the second floor, when my front door opens it doesn’t smell like the outside world. It’s just a hallway with a carpet. So I don’t think there’s much motivation to seek freedom in that direction. Besides they would have to be able to reach the elevator buttons or the handle to the door that leads to the stairway.

Well, no matter how happy the dog is in the apartment, the dog still needs to be taken outside to poop. Not true with kittycats, since they have litter boxes. And if your doggy is having tummy issues, and needs to go out in the middle of the night, then you have to get up, get dressed, and take the dog out. At the house,
I could just open the back door even in the middle of the night and the dog or dogs could go out into the yard. That’s what I meant by problematic. I agree that there are definitely dogs that should not be an apartment.

The administrative staff here is very small. I think it’s only about 8-- the executive director, the marketing director, the receptionist, a maintenance guy, a housekeeper, and three staff in the kitchen. The two top staff, the executive director and marketing director, are both very involved and hands-on. They are very responsive to maintenance issues, even on the weekends when technically they are off duty. There are two what they call courtesy staff, not really security guards but sort of, who work all night and on weekends, and if there is a maintenance problem we can call them and the executive director will have it taken care of right away. The administration of the parent organization of this facility is also on our property in a different building. So the big boss is here to keep an eye on things, too. There’s no remote management or a marketing company in another state somewhere that owns a chain of these homes across the country. Nothing like that. I think that’s a recipe for neglect and screw-ups.

Re downsizing: when I moved into town from the country 11 years ago, now almost 12 years ago, I walked away from half my possessions, including oh so many books. And when I moved from the house last year to this apartment I walked away from half my possessions. I literally watched two guys come and empty out my garage into the back of a truck that they were going to haul off somewhere, I don’t even know where. That was hard.

But now everything I own with the exception of my car is within these walls. I do rent two small storage cages on the property, but not near my apartment, that I have some extra things in. But I got rid of a boatload of stuff-- a piano, a ton of backyard furniture including a gas grill, 3 bicycles. No wonder I don’t want to think about that time. Yeah, I know they’re only things but still…

ETA: I wanted to comment on parking. I park outside in a regular parking lot, completely open. Early on you learn what trees not to park under because of tree sap and bird shit. I’ve never had covered parking in my whole life, never had a garage never even had a carport. Wait I think I did have a carport for a little while once. Some people around here are very unhappy about the open parking and they want to have carports put in and stuff like that. I don’t care. There’s one place on the property where you can pay monthly and have covered parking-- actually the lowest floor of a building. They’re only about 15 spaces in there. They are all currently taken, and I assume there is a waiting list. I belong to one of these car washes that you pay for monthly, and I drive through that about four times a week to keep ahead of the tree sap and bird shit.

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I followed your first thread with interest. It is great that you had an affordable option just at the right time and place.

I just last week applied for a wait list position at a place near me. They approximate a year long wait for the small apartments and a 2-3 year!?! for their cottages. I am going for the 1 bed 770 space apartment .
I too dread to much getting to know you small talk. I don’t mind people telling me their stories but I don’t like the 20 questions prattle that people do sometimes. I wonder if they do quiet tables.
This place has you buy your own internet -mostly to get out of maintaining it I would guess.
I am not moving to save money but even after the buy-in I will have home equity money to live on for 5 years. Assisted living is there and available but very expensive.10-12 k a month right now. One thing I thought was new is that they encourage people to try having aides come to their apartment-paid by the hour rather then employees of the center.

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No buy-in here. Strictly an open-ended month-to-month lease.

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And thank you for a lot of thoughtful answers.

The reason it sort of scares me is that I am often socially very awkward, especially when it’s just me and people I don’t know very well or at all. I am liable in groups to sit and listen to other people talk, without joining in, and respond only briefly when someone tries to engage me. Yes, I worked in an office, and I had office friends that I could talk to, but rarely did that extend to after office hours. Anyway, your discussion somehow made it seem less intimidating.

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I wish I could just sit and listen. I’m pretty opinionated and (as I said above) just blurt out things instead of biting my tongue like I should.

A good, sensitive listener is welcome in any group. An outspoken b*tch who can’t keep her mouth shut, not so much.

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Hiya @ThelmaLou ! Nice to hear from you! No, there’s no more eclipses for a while. And next time I’m in SATX I’ll reach out.

My wife and I are fully independent still and we’re not near to needing any The Home, but we’re starting to think about it. We’ve visited some friends and family in their facilities and we’ve asked them about it. Thank you for your inputs here. Helpful. I like what you said about suggesting nonprofit or faith-based facilities. One place we like is where a friend is, in a Roman Catholic facility. Neither of us are RCs but we did like his place and we’d definitely consider it.

And hey, @ThelmaLou , if you’re ever in or near San Francisco, do let us know! It’s be great to see you again.

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It’s good to hear that things are mostly working out, and that there are lots of opportunities for both interaction with other people, and to stay in your room. Social interactions are one of the strongest protection factors against dementia, and it’s not just that people with dementia isolate, but that frequently talking to other people can prevent it. Where you are on the introversion/extroversion spectrum will change how much social interaction you want, but having it available, and even forced on you sometimes, is probably a good thing.

If you recall in the other thread I was talking about moving my dad up from near Austin to here in Colorado. He decided to go with a senior coop instead of any kind of independent living place. It was not yet built at the time, so it’s been a long wait.

Just this morning I did the inspection walk through of his unit, so it’s getting close. It is a nice 2-bedroom apartment, around 900 square feet. I’m hoping the coop model works out. The big advantage is that there is no for-profit company squeezing tenants for rent. The monthly fee should be based on actual costs, and not the condition of the rental market in the area. The downsides are see any thread about HOAs. Hopefully coop members will be much more involved, and that will prevent petty tyrants from taking over.

I do have lots of sympathy for the downsizing aspect of moving, as it’s been a year long process. In many ways I think you’re lucky for having it forced into a month or two. The difference is concentrated anxiety, or spreading that anxiety over a year.

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:wave:t4: @echoreply I absolutely remember you and your dad. Thank you so much for the update.

A 2-bdrm place of 900 sq ft is plenty for one person. Is there a patio or balcony? How many units in the whole place, and are there still vacancies or are they mostly taken? Are there dining room meals or other activities?

Do keep us (or me, anyway :slightly_smiling_face: ) posted on his/your progress and state of mind-- in this thread, if you want to. How close is his residence to yours?

Big weather change, Austin → Colorado. Did you get him a subscription to the L.L.Bean catalog? :cold_face: Actually, right now in San Antonio, it’s 102. I’m trying to remember what “cold” even feels like.

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Yes, he has a nice balcony, and a north view. That means less sun in the winter, but it also means you can keep the blinds open year round, and not be dealing with unbearable sun in the summer. If you stand in just the right spot you can see mountains.

The place was completely sold out before they broke ground, but as happens with senior living places, spots open up on a fairly regular basis. There is a waitlist to buy into the coop, and the sale price is based on the original purchase price, and a fixed appreciation every year. It’s not an investment, it’s a place to live.

The process was explained that typically when it’s time for a member to sell, they offer it to names on the waitlist. I don’t know if a member can sell outside the waitlist, but they can pass it on to family. There is no leasing or subletting. Only members and their family/partners/friends/roommates can live there.

It’s slightly more than a mile from where I live, which is good and bad for all of the reasons you can imagine.

There are no cafeteria style meals, and activities are determined by the residents. There is a large gathering room, including a kitchen and grills for the group to do things. Everything is up to the residents, but they gave examples of other places with cooking, football, movie, and game clubs doing group meals in the space.

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Sounds very nice. Remind me of how old your dad is?

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Thanks for updating us. This is very interesting and I am glad that you are thriving.

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He’s 76, which is close to most of the people who have bought in. It’s 55+, and the developers talk about people living there 20 years, but from what we could see the younger buyers were in their mid 60s.

In one version of the multiverse, I could see myself taking over membership when my kid moves out.

I am in many ways jealous of they type of place you’re living. Of course that is an idealized version where someone else is doing lots of the boring stuff, and I can do whatever I want with my nearby friends or not.

I might have relayed this story in the old thread, but back when voting was in person my polling place was inside an assisted living facility. There was a sign that said “ice cream is always free” over a mini ice cream shop off the lobby. Why wouldn’t someone want to live in a place like that? (Don’t answer with a bunch of reasons why ad libitum ice cream could be bad, it’s a fantasy, not a meal plan.)