I have a friend who recently had to move into an assisted living facility. He is now on the wait list for a different one. He realized that he hadn’t asked, “where do smart people go to retire?”
Assisted living is tough, as a decent fraction of the people are there due to mild dementia.
Staying home and using home health is a popular option. But the social isolation can be overwhelming.
It’s an interesting question. 
Stay home and be isolated. Or go to an independent living center where there may be people who can’t have deep conversations.
I’m thinking a lot about it. I know these decisions will face me in another few years. Maybe sooner if something happens with my health.
My friend initially moved in emergency mode. He had a stroke in the middle of the night (affected the portion of the brain that lets you balance when you walk, and not much else) and was whisked to the ED, then to intensive care, then to a regular hospital bed. He made the arrangements from the hospital bed, and never went home again.
He did pretty well. The place he went to was attractive, clean, had good food and decent rehab and other care.
Then there was a fire in that place, and he was moved first to a hotel (that didn’t have facilities he needed) and then to another assisted living place. Which also looks nice enough, but has shitty Wi-Fi. And he felt incredibly trapped. The “activities” were all geared towards people with failing intellect, or kindergartners. They had a lot of the same crafts that are done in a kindergarten. And he couldn’t easily contact the outside world.
That’s when he started researching other options.
I do my 5,000 steps at least 6 days per week without fail. I listen to audiobooks and that makes it fun and interesting.
@puzzlegal quoted me indirectly:
I added the bolding.
It’s everywhere. Finding intelligent, articulate, well-read, thoughtful people to talk to is an ongoing, lifelong problem for most of us. Not just at The Home. I have found a couple of people here, and occasionally a deeper convo will develop with several people. But you have to seek this out, whatever your living circumstances. See my footnote at the bottom of this reply.
Assisted Living and Independent Living are two different animals. Here in Independent Living, we are, well, independent. There’s no medical care and everyone is compos mentis enough to live alone, which is what we do in our own apartments (just like any apartment complex).
Assisted Living means help from another person with some basic life tasks, like dressing, bathing, moving around, walking, transferring to wheelchair or shower bench. AND it often includes support for mental deficiencies like confusion, getting lost in the building, walking off the premises and getting lost, etc. My mother was in assisted living (with the same organization where I now live, but-- obviously-- at a different property).
@puzzlegal Has your friend found a suitable living arrangement yet?
I think this is a mistake, unless you have lots friends or family who visit. Seeing one caregiver a few times a week isn’t enough social contact. The isolation is a killer. The idea of staying in your own home is appealing, but the reality of dealing with the upkeep, chores, maintenance, and just stuff is challenging when you’re young and in your prime and daunting when you’re past that point. More on that in a bit.
I saved your question for last because it is positively brilliant, and I thank you for it. At breakfast this morning I sat with my closest friend here and we talked about this. She would absolutely not go back. In fact, after losing her partner of 27 years five years ago, she realized that the isolation was killing her and she pro-actively and voluntarily moved herself here one year ago almost to the day. She loves it and wouldn’t change a thing.
I moved here against my will one year ago almost to the day. And although I do like The Home, I’m still angry and resentful about the circumstances of the move. Your question has caused me to reflect… Would I go back…?
No, I wouldn’t. I have to admit that. This is a better place for me to be. And, unlike my neighbor, I wouldn’t have done this on my own. I needed to be made to do it virtually at gunpoint.
I moved to my former address after living waaaay out in the country for 20 years-- 45 minutes south of town. Lived there eight years with my late husband and after he died, then 12 years alone. Talk about isolation! I worked in town three days per week, but was on my own the rest of the time. And you really do have to WORK at creating your own in-person social life. I have no kids, no siblings, no family at all. Yeah, friends, but they had family obligations and commitments, which always took precedence. I had a ladies lunch group and a book club, but those were only once a month.
I moved into town in 2012 and found that not much changed regarding my social life. I was in a friendly neighborhood, and at least I wasn’t spending a fortune on gas and putting 50K+ miles on the car every year. I’m an introvert, so maybe that’s why creating a modest social life didn’t come easily to me. <shrug> But the life I thought would materialize didn’t happen. I dunno.
Here, I can socialize, chat, eat with people in the dining room if I want to and isolate if I want to. I do both on different days. But I have the options. This is a friendly community, which I am free to take or leave depending on my mood. I’m safer here and my cats are safer. If (When) something happens to me, there are people who will help, including feeding my cats or finding homes for them if – you know. There is a safety net here that I didn’t have at the house. Financially, it makes sense. I’m not going to be kicked out by a landlord. An upside is that there are always people around, and a downside is that there are always people around, but all in all, it’s a better place to be than where I was.
I’ve told people that one of the hardest things about moving here is acknowledging to yourself that at your age, this is the right place for you. Many of us have admitted that this is likely going to be our last address. That’s hard. “Do not go gentle”…etc.
So no, I wouldn’t go back. Your question has really helped bring me some peace. Thank you so much.
FOOTNOTE: Apropos of finding a retirement home where there would be interesting people to talk to, I started this fun thread in 2015 little realizing that eight years later I’d be moving into The Home:
Old Dopers Retirement Home: a great idea!
He believes he has found one, and is on the waiting list for it. Also, the first place he moved to has finally been restored from the fire, and he has returned. It’s not quite as odious to him as the emergency place. And it has Internet.
He is mentally sound, but he is disabled as a result of the stroke, and is much better off in an assisted living facility.
We have a few people here who need some physical assistance, but they hire the help individually by contract, as there is no medical staff.
At this organization’s Assisted Living facility where my mother was for the last two years of her life, they had CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) on the staff.
honestly, sounds like a really compelling package, suffering from bad marketing (“old people’s homes”).
You can fall back on friends/acquaintances/company anytime you want, but you don’t have to … kindalike the best of both worlds.
Yes, it is.
I just got back from lunch with my two closest pals here, one of them being the person I referred to above. All three of us moved in a year ago within a week of each other.
Eh, I like a good outspoken b*tch. I’m one too, so it keeps me honest. If someone listens too well, I’ll ramble nervously.
I have to agree. We loved our house, our yard and my shed in Portland. Loved the neighborhood we were in, where everything we needed was walking distance (which is why my 2016 Mazda only has 18K miles). But we had no family there and maintenance was becoming more difficult. Also, the stairs were getting more dangerous, especially for my wife. So we made the hard decision to move eastward to be closer to family. We are better off in this situation, although we spend a lot of time in our apartment. But then, we spent a lot of time in our house, too. I don’t really have anybody to BS with, however.
Sing it, sister.
My bold.
Oddly, I also find this to be true.
Ha! I have a 2015 Mazda. Great minds.
I often do too, depending on what and how they’re outspoken about.
And, back in school, when everyone was talking in class while the teacher was briefly out in the hall – I was the only one loud enough for the teacher to hear out there. And the only one who got detention for it.
Some things about me have changed a good deal; but that isn’t one of them.
I can identify with that.
I really appreciate your previous thread and this one. As someone who’s lived alone my entire adult life, I’m not at a point that I’m ready to do this (I’m within days of 51) but it’s good to hear about the options that exist if I get to that point - and have a realistic understanding of it.
Musing…
This morning I walked over to the dining room to return a coffee cup. It was just before dawn and the birds were waking up in the trees. I ran into one of the people here that I really like. We’re not best friends, but I love talking to her. She’s one of those people that has a presence about her-- she seems to spread grace just by her presence. She’s 81, very gentle, smart, well-read, great sense of humor. She had come to the dining room to get some coffee, so we both went outside and just sat and chatted. The wind picked up as it got lighter and the sound of the huge pecan trees rustling in the wind was delightful-- we both remarked that we love that sound. (I’d rather listen to wind in the trees than listen to ocean waves.) After a while, we went our separate ways-- no big deal. She said, “I’ve had my coffee, so now I’ll start my day.” I’ll see her around here most days. It was a pleasant moment. Not one I’ll have every day or even want every day. But it left me feeling grateful for living here.
THAT’S what was lacking when I lived alone. Casual, unstructured contact with people. I used to sit on my deck in my back yard as it was getting light and listen to the trees and the birds and it was very nice. But it was also lovely today to share that moment with someone else at the place where we both live. We weren’t on vacation somewhere, or at an intentional breakfast or coffee shop. When you live alone you have to make plans and appointments to see other people, even in your own home. Here, we both happened to be in a place we could casually sit and visit. So we did.
Those of you who live in households with one or more other people (and who possibly LONG for a moment ALONE first thing in the morning) may not grasp how sweet it can be to have casual contact with people. You do have this sometimes at a regular job-- getting caught up in the morning over coffee before you dig in to the work say. But I started freelancing in 1988, so I haven’t even had that kind of casual contact in almost 40 years.
This is one of the best things about being in an intentional community. Or semi-intentional, anyway. It’s not intentional like being in a religious order, but it’s also not like being in a regular apartment complex or neighborhood where it’s assumed your focus is on the life that is lived within your own residence’s four-ish walls and mainly with the people who live there with you. The fact that almost everyone here is single (with most of us being widowed) probably has a lot to do with it.
After moving to an independent living facility (very successfully), my parents offered advice to all their friends:
“you’ll know when you are ready”.
At 51, it seems too early for me. But it isn’t a question of numbers and chronological age.
When you see yourself slowing down. When you realize that you have no interest at all in responsibilities like home repairs, you’re getting a bit tired of planning meals and shopping, and you’re starting to feel worried about health issues that didn’t bother you before (possible injury such as falling)…that’s when you’ll know…
No cites, because not FQ, but I believe this is exactly the type of thing that research backs up as being an important protective factor against depression and loneliness. Supposedly it is good for both extroverts and introverts. Simple low-stakes human to human interaction can be so much more than meaningless small-talk.
that sounds like a lovely morning, sharing a quiet beverage, psithurism, and a murmuring chat.
hands up all Dopers who had to google this, like me 