Yep.
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship like that, but I’ve definitely had friends who brought out the worst in me. That doesn’t mean that they are necessarily bad people, just that they seem to inspire me to negative heights.
The only thing to do when you meet one of those people is to wish them well and send them on their way.
I have been in a relationship where I didn’t like the person I was. I broke it off. It was actually sort of the opposite of fusoya’s ex’s problem. I felt like I was too demanding and bossy, because he was the kind of guy to make a doormat of himself. I didn’t like me when I was with him, and I didn’t respect his door-mat-ism. Either way, you have to be able to like who you are when you’re with someone, or else they’re not the right person for you to be with.
…
When I was in graduate school, my advisor published an article that was 2/3 my work without listing me as an author. Maybe you think that, the work consisting completely of computer files, it wasn’t stealing.
My mileage happens to vary, so he stopped being my graduate advisor real fast.
If this is truly the case, then you might be able to pull this out of the fire by talking to her about as frankly as you did here, and assure her that you don’t ever want to make her uncomfortable again.
But be prepared to let this one go. Twenty-one is young, and people that age tend to change fast.
Or she got a chance to talk to old friends and didn’t like the way they reacted to what she was doing. Or their reactions were ok, but she didn’t like the way she felt while talking about it. Or she didn’t talk to them, but just didn’t like the contrast between what she once expected from herself and what she’s doing now.
The speculations can go in any direction. Maybe her friends are getting married and she decided that it didn’t look like that’s the way her relationship was headed. I sympathize with your pain. Breakups are hard, no matter why they happen.
My long distance guess is that she’s discovered that she can’t be comfortable in a close relationship until she develops a stronger sense of herself and gets more assertive. You have no control over either of those things.
This crossed my mind as well. It could be that she was perfectly fine doing the things she was doing, but her friends convinced her how bad she should feel about it.
Peer pressure sucks.
Yeah, esp. when your peers are telling you shit like “don’t steal.”
Yeah, there’s that. But I’m also wondering if they said “OMG, you showered with him? That’s teh slutty!!!1111”
She’s just not that into you.
She’s been doing things she isn’t comfortable with because she wants to make you happy. When she gives you an opinion (showering together is sexual for her) you disagree and tell her she is wrong. You don’t respect her or her opinions and until know she hasn’t had the self esteem to argue. You redefine her feelings for her, telling her she has been in love when she hasn’t. And she’s figured it out.
But cheer up, she isn’t going to be the girl you were dating for all those months - it was a different girl who dumped you.
Oh, something else about 21 year old girls - sometimes they date a guy for ten months and try to make him happy because when he achieves that perfect happiness he turns from Beast into Prince Charming. If I anticipate this, he’ll anticipate that. If I do this for him, he will do that for me. Eventually they come to think they’ve done all the compromising and Prince Charming has yet to magically appear - so they go find a new candidate. She just figured out you aren’t under a magic spell and nothing she will do will suddenly turn you into Mr. Right.
I made this OP beacuse it was the only thing on my mind this morning. At the time I was still extremely confused about what was going through her mind, or what I did to put her in that state, and I wanted some thoughts and insight from others. You’ve all been a great help so far, thank you.
Also, the SMDB $15 registration includes a coupon for one WOE IS ME thread every year.
So stealing a computer file doesn’t count as stealing?
I think taking something from your friend’s house, from someone who trusts you, is incredibly low and a disgusting thing to do. I’m not surprised she doesn’t like herself when she is with you.
Heh. I never got my coupon, but that’s cool, I am sure I have already reached my quota of Woe is Me. I wasn’t trying to be snarky, but the truth is that while you might not have conciously been being controlling, she seems to think that you in some way did try to change her.
So, it may be a case of her not owning up to her own issues of co-dependency and trying to please someone else by being something that she is not, in which case, don’t you think that you’re better off without her? Honestly, I don’t see how any good could come of a relationship like that, but that’s just me.
Like I said, I am sorry you are hurting, but in the end, love is wanting someone to be happy even if that means not being with you. The love of my life got married to another woman in August. It broke my heart, because it is his third and I am scared that it will go the same way all the others have, but we are not good together, so I wish only the best for him. That, in my ever-so-humble opinion is the definition of love. Caring enough to let go when it is better for the other person (or, in our case, both of us). I hope that your pain is fleeting and that you can learn from this situation.
no, she DOESN’T think I tried to change, nor WAS I trying to. She doesn’t blame me specifically for what she did or how she feels. She just feels like BEING in a relationship with me is what is changing her, which I gather is from her willingness to break her standards in order to please me. I never asked her to go against her values–anything she did was her own decision. She always told me that she was changing her mind about stuff she was previously oppossed to doing because she was growing more comfortable with me, but perhaps she got so comfortable that she lost sight of who she is.
Anyway, of course I want what’s best for her. and if she can’t trust me to not take advantage of our situation, or can no longer herself to not act against her principles, then we probably shouldn’t be together anymore. I’ll support any decision she takes at this point (although I will still throw in my own two cents, as is MY nature).
“Boundary Issues” just screams out in this post…she can’t say no (until very recently), and you seem that as long as she says “yes” to your requests, that’s good enough for you wrt her boundaries. If by some longshot you actually keep this relationship together (without your manipulation), tell her up front that you will start respecting her boundaries, and that she needs to make her boundaries known up front so you can actually respect them. Heh, good luck on keeping this plane aloft.
ok, two things.
First of all, yes, it was stealing in the aspect of taking something that’s not yours. When I said it wasn’t stealing, I meant that the file was still on her friend’s computer, but now we had a copy of it to, so they wouldn’t notice or be denied access to their property due to us having it. In retrospect, it was wrong, but there’s a whole story there with that file that I am NOT going to get into on this board. And of everything she claimed against me, that was the lowest blow because even though it was my idea for her to grab it from her friend’s computer, she already wanted a copy of that file, so I provided a solution, and she used it as much as I did. I think we can all agree that whether it was a computer file or a material item that was taken has the same relevance in this discussion, and the rest belongs in its own Great Debates thread.
And secondly, she CAN and HAS said “no”, and this is something that never changed. Some ideas that I ran past her she NEVER came around on, and up until this point still had no interest, desire or motivation to do. I’m aware of this, and the deal was that I wasn’t going to bug her to do those things - she would come to me on her own time if she changed her mind. I always did try to respect her boundries by double checking that she really was okay with something, rather than just trying to please me, and at times she would INSIST that I take her generous changes of hearts even when I initially felt guilty. I, on the other hand, can’t remember ever saying “no” to her, and she’s come up with some pretty embarassing ideas for me, which I always did with a smile on my face.
Lastly, I know this is probably a dumb question, but should I send her this page (AFTER we have a good, rationale discussion ourselves)? She reads the SMDB from now and then but I doubt she would stumble across this article accidentally, but if she was checking up on me, I’m sure this is the first place she’d look (she read the last WOE IS ME thread I started back in 2005)
The age difference implies a imbalance of power. Just sayin’
So, now you are saying that you can’t say “no”? :dubious:
Even if she says “yes” and regrets it later as a form of control by you (read: she would not have dreamed of stealing a comp file until you brought it up), then she still has boundary issues. I see a lack of communication by both parties here which is part of the boundary issue.
Here is another example: When I ask my wife for sex and she says “I’m too tired, but go ahead anyways”, I used to go ahead and take care of my need which was something she regretted later and then became resentful after it happened for months and then years. I thought it was ok because she said “yes”, when she should have said “no”. It took me awhile to figure this out, and when I did, I told her not to say yes if she doesn’t mean it…because when we have sex, I want to fulfill her sexual needs first and then I can finish myself when she’s had her needs met. Well, guess what happens when she really doesn’t want to have sex and I’m trying to meet her need that isn’t there? Frustration, disappointment, and anything else thats negative in a relationship which turns into resentment. To solve this issue, I asked her next time to actually say what she honestly feels, not what I want to hear. And in return, I pay more attention to cues like “I’m too tired but go ahead anyways”, and take that as a “no” until she says that she wants to. That has made a dramatic improvement on our relationship, and she feels closer to me than we have been in years.
Go to Amazon or Barnes & Noble and pick up a highly rated book on Boundaries and/or Control Issues. You might see some examples that mirror your own situation. I’m not saying that you’re evil or heartless or anything of a sort, but you are probably creating an environment that just isn’t comfortable to your girlfriend and she doesn’t know how to fix it except to leave it. Have an open discussion about boundary and control issues…it might help the situation you’re in.
ok, just an update on everything.
We had a long, rationale conversation tonight. Apparently the final nail in the coffin, and the one reason or excuse which can never be argued (as has been proven in other MPSIMS threads) is that when these thoughts and feelings came in, it pushed out her feelings and desires for me. I know, ouch. That one’s gonna hurt for a long time. If I were a smarter man, I’d just leave and never look back. But of course I’m an idiot who thinks he’s in love (and believe it or not, the last time I was ever OFFICIALLY dumped by somebody was in 2001, when I was her age!) so I’m going to keep working with her. She swears that she WISHES she still had those feelings for me, and it was a decision made based on the facts (namely, the fact that those feelings for me just went poof), rather than by her choice, so we’re both in the process of putting a plan together so that we can at least stay on good terms, and someday hopefully rekindle those feelings. We both made a list of ground rules to follow which we think would prevent anything from this from happening again…the list is still being worked out so I won’t post it yet, but one of her rules is “No asking me for anything I initially said no to” which is getting incredibly specific because it includes things that she is totally 100% okay with right now, but wasn’t before we were dating (an example is how I introduced her to Popeye’s Fried Chicken, after she was so sure that she didn’t like Fried Chicken…now it’s one of her favorite foods, but since I convinced her to try something new against her sub-concious will, that’s out too!).
Anyway, since I do genuinely care about her and want everything to work out (I do have her best interests in mind, but I do believe that they include me) we’re going to take things very slowly, and try to rebuild. I guess all you can do is pull up a lawn chair and enjoy the drama…in the meantime I should probably get back to the SMDB project I’m probably most famous for around here, which is seriously getting neglected.
BTW, I did share this thread with her, and she thinks I pretty much got the facts straight, but did have some responses of her own:
Misnomer’s advice seems mostly good, except for the 21 year old thing. I’m not really sure what that person meant by that, because I don’t see how I’m being immature.
The monotone voice? If I had to guess, she was telling a friend that you dragged her out of her comfort zone, and the friend coached her on what to say. – totally untrue
This person really nailed it: *just didn’t like the contrast between what she once expected from herself and what she’s doing now. *
Yeah, there’s that. But I’m also wondering if they said “OMG, you showered with him? That’s teh slutty!!!1111” – THAT’s really stupid. I never told a single person that I showered with you
Oh, something else about 21 year old girls - sometimes they date a guy for ten months and try to make him happy because when he achieves that perfect happiness he turns from Beast into Prince Charming. If I anticipate this, he’ll anticipate that. If I do this for him, he will do that for me. Eventually they come to think they’ve done all the compromising and Prince Charming has yet to magically appear - so they go find a new candidate. She just figured out you aren’t under a magic spell and nothing she will do will suddenly turn you into Mr. Right. – That person is WAY off
A lot of it sounds pretty accurate, except I don’t think (you’re) an ass, and I wasn’t coached
You ask her to committ a crime for you, and then you wonder why she has misgivings?? My friend, you are a sociopath. She should stay as far away as possible from you.