^^^agreed.
Do not abase yourself. Do not do anything that could be interpreted as abasing yourself.
Do not say what an ex of mine did, many years ago: “since you broke up with me, I feel so desperate that I have started to use drugs”…that made him attractive, I can tell you (sarcasm font). What a dunce (Oxford graduate, by the way, which goes to show the worth of ‘prestigious’ education).
Get a whole lot of gone between you and her, real quick. It sounds like you’ve lost her to Jeebuz, and you won’t win that struggle.
Unfortunately, you wanting to get back together isn’t the key ingredient in a reconciliation. You’ve offered no evidence to indicate that she has changed her mind. Unless she does, take her on her word and leave her alone.
You do realize that not everyone gets their ex back, right? In the meantime, don’t contact her not because you want to be manipulative (e.g. the silent treatment) but because you respect her wishes. When someone tells you that she doesn’t want to be romantically involved with you, you leave them alone. If she initiates contact, then that’s a different matter.
And, no, her sending you a Trivia Crack invitation isn’t some secret code.
Yeah that one. How weird is it that they call them cells?? Lol
To get someone back, you have to let them go. It may seem odd, but that’s how it goes. Usually begging and pleading will push them more away and lower your value in their eyes. They can’t miss you if you are never gone. Sometimes they miss you, sometimes they don’t. Every ex I’ve had who swore things were 100% over, hated me, etc at least started to put out feelers once I disengaged and truly moved on.
That said, the beauty of moving on and letting them go is you might learn you don’t actually want them back, once you get space and a healthy appreciation of yourself and toxic aspects of the relationship. It might take time, but in a few years you’ll probably look back and think you were stupid to want her back.
FWIW, I think she’s probably dating a guy from church or trying to. The “I love you but I’m not in love with you” talk usually= there’s someone else. I’m not saying she’s cheated. It could be a friend or someone she likes but hasn’t taken the next step because you are in the way. Now you are out of the way and she can pursue the guy who fits her current interests. if she’s like a lot of people, there’s probably some other guy right now who is the love of her life and is her soulmate, etc, and then in a couple of months he will probably be just some jerk after the new feelings wear off and reality sets in.
And honestly man, 7.5 mos is a short time. I mean, it’s pretty easy to get 2-3 months out of any “relationship” that starts out decently. Relationships are work. The Honeymoon period is always easy. I personally wouldn’t consider anything that serious until 2-3 years in. If it’s terms of months it’s basically people going in for the initial bliss phase then jumping to the next thing once the newness wears off, IMHO.
If this breakup didn’t involve the religious aspect you might have a decent shot at getting her back, but given that part of it you really might be better off just moving on to greener pastures. I’m sorry for your troubles, I definitely understand what you’re going through because I’ve been there.
I don’t know if this is the case with her but some people seem to fall in love with that chemical cocktail that happens in the brain when you are in a new relationship, it really is like a drug in many ways and after that honeymoon phase in over in six months or so they want that “high” again and drop the person they are with, so they can find somebody new and experience it all over again.
She will will probably have encountered some Bible teaching to the effect that believers should not be ‘unequally yoked’ with unbelievers.
She will be hoping that the OP will convert and strategies about this will probably have been discussed at meetings, but it sounds like she’s non-coercive about it, which is good.
It might not be any of that, of course, but I have seen what I’m describing above with my own eyes, in similar contexts.
I lost a GF to a religion. We were also in the initial, really in love stage, so it hurt like hell. Because she was conflicted, she gave off a lot of mixed messages, and I always tried to pick the most positive spin. We actually got back together at least once, but then she’d break it off again.
We couldn’t make it as friends because I had too many feelings for her, so it was too painful.
If she is breaking up with you over religion, it could be all over. Sorry.
As I read it, his only option is to move on. Convert won’t do the trick, since she doesn’t love him, must find herself and whatever.
She just wants out of the relationship.
Some people, sometimes, manage to win someone over again after a break-up, but even that still typically doesn’t end well. The OP needs to lick his wounds and search for a more suitable partner.
Just this past Friday?
Shit.
Aside from the mental anguish and all that’s associated with it, there’s the physical pain, too. So sorry.
My .02 to add to the excellent advice above: give yourself license to wallow in it for a bit. Don’t descend down any permanent pathways, and recognize that the intense sharpness and void will heal (unfortunately slowly) over time so don’t set yourself up for long-term suffering. But for now, it’s okay to indulge the pain and just be absolutely beside yourself and astoundingly miserable. It’s okay to curl up in a ball under a hot shower and daydream about the perfect note you’d write that would have her running back, or the perfect storm of events that would leave her shaken at the mistake she made. It’s okay to dwell on the absurd contradiction of what she said then versus now. It’s okay to shake your fists at the sky and rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Sure, keep the façade up around coworkers and the oblivious stranger if you must, but don’t deny yourself the fluid venting of grief and mourning for what could have been. Don’t close your eyes to the wound. Probe it. Explore it. Stare into the abyss.
For now.
You’re going to interpret any remotely positive action on her part as an hint that she might be willing to resume the relationship. That’s because you want it to be true, and you’re going to grasp at straws. You will be mistaken and disapointed every single time. Mostly everybody reacts this way, but still you should try to fight this tendancy.
Not necessarily. I’ve said that myself, several times. Because it was the truth. I appreciated the person, but not enough to be in a commited relationship with her.
It could also simply be a way to soften the blow, which many people try to do when they break up.
In any case, be it because she’s seeing someone else, because she indeed isn’t in love, because she doesn’t want to upset him…the result is the same. She’s not into him anymore.
That.
It’s over. She left you. That’s the ‘signal’ you need to interpret.
My guess is that she is “in love” with someone from her bible study group.
She may or may not have done anything with said guy but she has set her eye on him.
You don’t say how old you are. But after six or seven months, each person has had enough time for the initial thrill of a relationship to wear off and to evaluate the other person as a long term partner. It’s a good time to make the go/no-go decision, before you invest too much time in the relationship and get into that “well, this isn’t quite right, but we’ve been together so long and I don’t want to hurt him/her” nonsense.
So I think that even though it’s painful, you should respect the girl’s decision. It’s much better than going further down the track and really getting sandbagged later on.
Most posters are focusing on the religion angle but it’s not necessarily central. The two of you weren’t involved for very long–7.5 months is just the beginning of a serious relationship. You were just getting to know each other, no matter how intense it seemed at the time.
She essentially told you that it’s her, not you. This is how you break up with someone gently. It just means you aren’t meant for each other. Believe her and let it go.
I don’t have much to add that others haven’t said. I know it hurts, I’ve been through a couple really rough break-ups that hit me by surprise. The most important thing I can tell you, though, is that even though that sort of break-up makes the desire to “win her back” so overbearing that one is willing to do almost anything. But my biggest word of advice there is to stay true to yourself. It doesn’t really matter what you lost her to, but if you try to change who you are to fit what you think she wants or needs, you cannot recapture that magic that you remember. If you do change yourself, perhaps by becoming more involved in her beliefs, even if she takes you back, the entire dynamic of the relationship will have changed. And the worst part of that is she’ll then be interested in who you’re pretending to be and not who you are.
Also, really, try not to read too much into anything she might do. Starting a facebook or mobile game, maybe she just enjoyed doing those games with you, maybe she doesn’t want to just cut you out completely because you’ve broken up, maybe she accidentally invited you to the game, but I think it’s very extremely unlikely that it’s a sign she’s interested in getting back with you. I’d just say to do your best to take anything like that at face value, and if you want to play, do, and if you don’t or it’s too painful or confusing, don’t.
Ultimately, this is an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow, after you’ve taken the time to grieve. You can reflect back and see what went well, what didn’t, and take this time figure out what you want and need in the future. In my experience, support alone just isn’t enough, sometimes those passions have to be shared, and as others pointed out, even if you say now that it came off harsher than you meant it, I think that you didn’t share her passion for her beliefs, no amount of support changes that. It’s clear that it’s something that was important enough to her that she actually needs to share that. One thing I realized after a similarly painful break-up was, not only was my support of her passions just not enough, but I had actually been too willing to forgo the mutual passion I really needed for things that were important to me, and it led to friction, a lack of understanding, and a certain amount of resentment. I now realize that since these are things that are fundamentally important for me to share with a woman I’m dating, they should be for her too. So, perhaps some food for self-reflection is, what are these things for you? Were there things that, perhaps she supported as well as she could, but it just left you wanting her to really understand more?
Regardless, I know this is rough, and there’s no words that we can say to ease that pain, it sucks, but do know, you will get through it, and you can either let it drag you down or you can use it to turn out better on the other side. I hope it’s the latter.
According to this:
BTW, I’ve heard Ruemmler’s presentation. He’s pretty funny, but also pretty convincing.
Your ex is not coming back anytime soon and is not likely to come back at all. You are (per your OP) on hugely divergent paths and that you did not see that coming is just as much on you as on her. Becoming deeply involved in a worship group your partner does not support, share (or respect) is so potent and common a relationship killer it’s almost a cliché in terms of reasons people separate.
Unless she makes a philosophical and lifestyle 180 your expectations that some how, some way she will come back to you are utterly absurd. Unless she somehow magically becomes disaffected with her current religious orientation this relationship is pretty much done.
Look at it from her perspective. Would you want to be with someone who thought your deeply religious convictions were “BS” and was dismissive of your beliefs? The answer is obviously “no”.
Xenos is a cult, and everyone responding to this thread needs to understand that. This isn’t about religion suddenly becoming important for her, this is about her cult members discouraging her from hanging out with anyone who isn’t also a member.
Admittedly, everything I know about Xenos comes from the Columbus subreddit, but there seems to be a consistent pattern of isolation and complete lack of privacy (aka the thought police).
Nah on the conversion front. In my experience, the way that operates is “Well, we don’t think you two should be dating right now since you’re both in a fresh relationship with God and you’ll fall back into your old familiar habits as a couple.”
Then they’ll try to introduce her to guys who are “stronger” in the faith who would be a better spiritual role model.
Edit: That’s setting aside anything else regarding the choice to convert to a religion on the basis of your girlfriend leaving you.