my mother came to visit last weekend… i’m still fuming about it.
here’s the highlights:
first she walks in and says “this place smells like shit.” okay, so i smoke inside. i don’t have any roommates. it’s just me and i’m not bothered by it.
“you’re wearing that?” we were going clothes shopping. i wanted something that was comfortable and easy to change in and out of. i wore my favorite pair of jeans. the entire time she gives me hell about how i don’t dress up and i need to start doing it so i could get a real job. i’m still not done with college and she wants me wearing business suits. like that’s very practical, walk to class in the heat in heels and a suit.
“you need to get a better job.” yes, i know this very well. she lets me know this every chance she gets. apparently i’m too old to wait tables. i’m also too old to still be in college. i’m 23!! and i only have one semester left. this pays my bills for right now. it’s not like it’s my career.
and she’s insisting that i use facewash and wear makeup. it’s not like i look horrible without these things either. one of the few things that i’m lucky enough to have is clear skin and a good complexion. i humored her anyways with the facewash… now i’m getting pimples. figures!
oh and she’s trying to completely plan my wedding. i’m not even officially engaged yet. despite how much she’s looking forward to doing this she also tells me that she doesn’t think he wants to marry me. oh, and i need to make sure i establish a career of my own because marriages just don’t work out these days. she doesn’t want me to be stuck raising children on my own.
today i get a package in the mail. my boyfriend sent me two tiny rose plants and two little teddy bears. i was ecstatic. he’d never done anything like this before. i call my mom to tell her… her response:
“you know he’s just doing this to get on your good side because he’s coming to see you this weekend.”
i know some of the things she does are because she thinks she protecting me or helping me out. the rivalry with my boyfriend on the other hand i have no clue where it came from. it’s not like she doesn’t like him either. they’ve gotten along great for the past five years. she’s just driving me insane… almost to the point where i don’t want to talk to her.
I tend to give people advice whether they ask for it or not. So if you aren’t wanting suggestions, don’t read further.
Maybe that is what you should do – not talk to her for a while.
Or limit your conversations to phone calls for a while.
Or maybe you could write her a letter (that way she can’t run from it or interrupt you) explaining what your boundaries are. Put it in terms of "When you do this (fill in the blank), I feel fill in with an emotion. Don’t blame anything on her. After all, you are the one who is listening to her. It is your choice not to rent her space in your head.
If she was this inconsiderate of your feelings in your childhood too, you might find the book The Narcissistic Family helpful. I am not a counselor or doctor though so I can’t say if this is her problem.
I hope that you will do what you can to set this straight early. You will be happier for it.
In the long run you probably are not going to change her, but you can change your reaction to her.
I remember going through a period of almost mourning when I realized that I was never going to be able to get my mother’s approval.
Don’t allow her to manipulate your feelings to the point that she plans your wedding. You will regret not having what you and your S.O. want to have.
There may be some projection on my part here. Can you tell?
i know i can’t change her. and i know she won’t listen. she cuts me off half the time trying to say i’m wrong… sometimes i get through, sometimes i don’t.
i just keep hoping that as i get older and completely financially independent things will get better. not sure if they will but there’s always that hope. at least then i won’t have to deal with it as much.
it’s just something that runs through the family. all the women are control freaks. her mother is the same way. during her stays (too long to be considered a visit), she takes over my mother’s house. my mother can’t stop herself with trying to tell me how to live my life. i’ve tried to get other people to talk to her about it. so far the only one she’s listened to in some way is my boyfriend. he had to tell her that we were two completely different people. what i want out of life and what she wants are different. she backed off a little bit after that. it used to be much worse.
This isn’t going to stop. It will play havoc with your relationship with your boyfriend. Eventually your mother will drive him nuts too. Seriously, this kind of maternal meddling can cause all kinds of problems.
I think you have to be firm with her. If she absolutely will not change, then don’t invite her over, don’t answer when she calls. Separate yourself from her. Avoidance is better than letting her ruin your life (and I’ve been there).
I swear my mother does this to me too. Or she used, rather. She doesn’t anymore. Thank the gods!
Don’t worry, Shadi. She’ll get better, or she won’t. But you can choose to tune her out. Of course, it helps if you live in a state she doesn’t like (my mom hates coming to Oregon because she gets cold very easily).
And, I am a firm believer that a woman can have no stronger ally than her mother.
While I was going through the agony of the breakup of a 5-year relationship, I mentioned a male friend during a conversation with Mom. Mom says, “Are you dating him?” I say, “No.” Mom says, “Well, it seems like you just go from one guy to another.”
I have no advice for you. My mom will never change, and probably yours won’t either. I have to limit my exposure to Mom to protect myself.
i’m lucky enough that my boyfriend can deal with my mother. i just wish that i could say the same.
i’m beginning to get the feeling that her rivalry with him (completely one sided) is just because she’s a single mother and i’m an only child. i think she doesn’t want to lose me to him. and it’s not helping that he’s in the navy and wants to be on the pacific fleet. i also think it’s killing her that she’s going to lose control over me. the only thing she can hang over my head is money now… and boy does she do that. as soon as i think i’m getting a little independent she comes around giving me things. granted i need them… or just really badly want them. and i appreciate her helping me with them, but i didn’t ask.
at least this is all motivation for me to graduate and get a job quick.
