Yes. What do you do when you’ve asked someone out and they said no? If you see them in another month, do you ask again? Is there a limit to how many times you ask?
My philosophy is different, ask out anyone you think is cool, as many of them as you can, knock down the importance of each date. Failure only hurts when success is important.
If it doesn’t actually matter to you (much) whether Jane Doe accepts your invitation to dinner, then you can get rid of the stress and baggage over asking someone out on a date.
Let’s say you and couple of other folks from the office are going to Friday’s for lunch, and you ask someone who you’re completely uninterested in romantically (they’re the wrong sex for you) if they want to come along. This person is nice, cool, good company, but they say they can’t because they have a conference call. Are you crushed with disappointment? Of course not, because that person’s presence wasn’t that important.
Now, when you ask this person to join you at lunch, you’re confident, self assured, because rejection makes you feel bad for the other person, they’re missing out on a nice lunch. That’s confidence. It comes with not having your self worth invested in their response.
Contrast that with trying to get the person you’ve been pining over for months to come out to lunch with “the gang” so she can see how funny and awesome you are, and fall in love with you. Now you’re nervous because this is “your chance” and this damn conference call got in the way, and you’ll have to wait another few weeks for another opportunity, and she may meet someone during that time, and oh FUCK why did it all have to get screwed up???
What does she see? Someone who was nervous and scared asking her to lunch with the rest of the office, who suddenly was dejected when she gave a perfectly reasonable response, a guy acting weird for no reason. A guy without the confidence to even ask someone to a work lunch.
No, but I wouldn’t send them an email saying that unless I said yes, we could never speak of it again. It would feel very awkward if I ran into them again. How do you handle in-person rejection? Like if you’re on a date and you ask for a second one and the woman turns you down or preemptively says she’d prefer to be friends?
Perhaps it’s time for a different strategy.
One that isn’t guaranteed to fail.
But either way, internet strangers or IRL acquaintances, they still have zero emotional investment in you.
I’m not typing this with sanctimoniously clean hands here: the day before Thanksgiving 2011 I invited a woman off POF with whom I’d e-mailed once or twice and then briefly talked with on the phone to meet at a bakery for tea.
Her profile stated that she was choosy and didn’t expect to find a match online. On the phone she asked inappropriately personal “job interview” questions. When she showed up at the bakery she hadn’t bothered to brush her hair. When I said “Hi, I’m Slithy,” she said “yea, I know.” instead of “Hi I’m Beverly, nice to meet you” Three minutes into the conversation she said she wasn’t feeling a connection and was leaving.
Sure, I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. And I indulged in gloating that enjoying the power to shoot down a steady stream of guys off the internet is a piss-poor substitute for a happy relationship. But then I set that shit aside. It’s none of my business.
Your and my experiences with rejection are miniscule in comparison with what Quentin Crips dealt with:
“Persistence is your greatest weapon. It is in the nature of barriers that they fall. Do not seek to become like your opponents. You have the burden and the great joy of being outsiders. Every day you live as a kind of triumph. This you should cling onto. You should make no effort to try and join society. Stay right where you are. Give your name and serial number and wait for society to form itself around you. Because it will most certainly will. Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where this is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything outside that you want but whether there is anything inside that you have not yet unpacked.”
My sage advice to the OP: Honesty, Full Disclosure; No Games, No Reticence
I wish I could relate to the OP’s timidity, but I’ve never been rejected by a woman, though I’ve bedded down a great number of beautiful, sexy gals.
Because of my busy schedule, I don’t have time to go hoochie hunting in the wild, so I typically use online dating sites to find my hookups. My approach is quite simple: I just lay it all on the line and put the ball in their court. No games; no pretense—just good, old fashioned honesty (it is the best policy, after all).
I really don’t know what it is exactly that women find so appealing and compelling in my dating profile. Perhaps it’s my sincerity, or maybe they like men with the less than ideal physical and psychological attributes which I freely admit to—I don’t know. I just know that I could give Wilt Chamberlain a run for lifetime chick-scoring achievement.
Here’s my dating profile:
Seeking: sexy women with large breasts and bank accounts. Ladies less than a 9.5/10 need not respond.
What are you looking for in a relationship?: Brevity
What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?: On a vibrating bed at Motel 6 with a stacked broad, a liter of Maddog 20/20 and a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos.
About Me: I’m short, plump and bald; my facial features are all intact, but asymmetrical; my teeth are sparse and misaligned; my gait is like that of a chimpanzee; I’m a misanthropist and a misogynist; I have a big nose and small ears; I have no sense of humor; I score low on standardized IQ tests; I have prolapsed hemorrhoids; I’m hung like a stallion; I’m often plagued with anal leakage.
Like I said, I don’t know what it is about my profile that clicks with so many women, but something obviously does. I suggest the OP follow suit.
Believe it or not, a lot of people enjoy dating. For us, dating is a light and fun way to get to know someone who is nearly a complete stranger. We see the first couple dates as an opportunity to find out if there is some basis for getting along, and whether our date has traits we value like being smart and funny.
It may not seem fair, but for a lot of people we’re just not looking to get to know someone really well and then start dating. It’s just not natural, any more than our jump-right-to-dating approach feels natural to you.
Why don’t you just take a vow of celibacy instead? It will give you the same results.
This strategy would be appropriate if you were in 5th grade. Maybe consider learning to take rejection with at least the appearance of dignity and good grace and you will find the wimmens like you more.
I’ve been rejected face to face for 30 years now. I’m done with it. A major chunk of my life has been the equivalent of a vow of celibacy, without the vow.
That’s the point of dating - to find out if you have some basis for getting along on a second (and third and fourth) date.
They didn’t reject you. You asked them to reject you, in a rather passive-aggressive way, and they complied.
Regards,
Shodan
After I read your profile I wanted to date you and I am a straight male!
Even though we don’t get along well in many threads, I am genuinely trying to help you here, so don’t let our past clashes cause you to misinterpret what I say. I’ve always had great success with dating, so let’s check to see if you are doing some things that have contributed to my success. We’ll start with the very most basic things:
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Hygiene. Simply put, are body, hair, and clothes clean? Stink is offputting. Bathe daily. Either shave or have properly trimmed facial hair. Use deodorant. Brush and floss. If you use cologne, use a good brand (most everybody likes the smell of 4711) and use only a little.
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Appearance. Do you dress like you are homeless? You don’t have to wear designer labels and spend a fortune on clothes, but you do need to show that you give some attention to how you look. A simple look like clean blue jeans or khakis and a plain black t-shirt is going to get you much farther than looking like you randomly chose what you have on from the Salvation Army donation bin. If you have been at this for over 30 years, then you are past the point in life where you should be wearing anything with pictures or logos on it.
I honestly think going to a professional therapist might be a good idea in this case.
I have autism and even I can tell that email is not ever going to work.
There’s something off about the way you think about interaction. Maybe they can guide you into a more ‘normal’ way of going about this.
Plus, you seem depressed. I know that can be normal when you have limited success in dating but it’s worth bringing up with a professional.
- Yes.
- No, I work in an office where I can’t even wear jeans.
Also, half my job is functioning as a receptionist. I would absolutely hear about it if I looked like a slob or smelled like a hobo.
Do you have a wig, black fishnets and a push-up bra?
Maybe you’re all right. Maybe I’m doing this to pretend I’m still in the dating pool, when in reality I’m not. I’m no longer even sure why I want to be, since breaking up is an even worse experience than rejection.
OK, good. Moving on, then.
Do you have a sarcastic sense of humor? If so, you want to suppress it during the getting acquainted stages. IME, a lot of women do not like sarcastic humor (even if they claim to) and will shy away from you if they get the sarcasm vibe from you. The sarcasm doesn’t even have to be directed at her. You may make what you think is a delightfully witty comment on some other person or situation…she will interpret it as you being a sarcastic asshole.
Then forget her … there is no point in dating a woman who doesn’t like my humor. We wouldn’t even make it through a meal.
No. That is the wrong attitude. You want to give her the chance to get to know you first and recognize all your sterling qualities. After she has a better handle on who you are, then the sarcasm is part of who you are rather than the entirety of how she sees you.
Consider my reputation on this board. I am not particularly well liked and widely regarded as a very unpleasant person. This is in stark contrast to how people who know me in real life regard me. I am the guy people run to for emotional support and help. I am frequently described using terms like “stand-up guy.” Here? I indulge the sarcastic side of my nature and it is on that that I am judged.