Too bad. I’m not going to pretend to be somebody else.
This. Don’t see it like an act. People will take 10 seconds at most to form an initial impression of you and it’s hard to tell the difference between quirky sarcastic humor or bitter negative asshole.
You may strike gold but it’s exceedingly rare without a little bit of polite small talk first and some common ground.
Then get yourself a subscription to brazzers dot com and big bottle of hand lotion. The problem here is that you can’t tell the difference between putting your best foot forward during the getting acquainted period and pretending to be someone else. I’m comfortable concluding that this is exactly why you consistently face rejection. Get comfortable with celibacy or learn not to present as an asshole. Those are your choices. The email scheme is inane and will make you look like a pathetic loser on top of everything else.
Got it. Thanks.
This really sucks, but it won’t get better unless you try to do better. It doesn’t mean that what you were doing was evil and wrong – it just means it wasn’t working. It really is great having a good romantic relationship, and it’s worth the effort of changing things a bit.
I assume you look online – if you don’t, then you should. You can make an ad on Craigslist if you don’t want to pay for a dating site subscription. Do this and be honest, and reply to other ads (and be honest). Be honest and straightforward (and kind and respectful, obviously) with the women who agree to meet you. Rinse and repeat, and eventually you will meet someone, even though many will reject you before this.
Many people are trying to give you helpful advice. Mine is for you to figure out what your are doing wrong. If you just want a sympathy party I’m out.
This email cold calling scheme is a soul destroying path to failure. I didn’t figure you were serious about it.
Dude, don’t ever do the email thing again. It squicks me out and I’m a guy. The milquetoast sad-sack approach is not going to work at all, I assure you. This entire woe-is-me thread is one huge red flag.
I get it, dude. I get it. You keep trying over and over and it isn’t working. It friggin’ sucks. It sucks so hard, trust me I know, but beating yourself up about it is not going to get the job done. What you’re doing is not working. You need to change things up.
Some Qs are: Are you overweight? Do you wear clothes that fit? (Do you know what clothes fit? Most dudes don’t.) Do you rock $5 haircuts? Wear pleated pants? Do you talk a lot about Magic: The Gathering, etc? Are you able to identify who is in your ‘league’ as far as date options? (If you’re Danny DeVito, Scarlet Johansen is going to be a hard sell.) Do you have a Hipster beard, dreadlocks, other?
Clearly, you are running a substantial confidence deficit. This is not easy to overcome, and it’s one of those things you’re going to have to do for yourself. I would suggest putting some effort into getting good at something physical, as that might kick-start it. Try to start molding your thinking toward Fight instead of Flight. This is easier said than done, and honestly at this stage you’re probably offended and defensive that I even suggest it.
I would maybe skip (for a while, anyway) the getting-to-know-you-before-I-make-my-pitch. While you do run the risk of being meh about the person after/during the first date, you don’t have a clean slate with people who already know you, and that appears to be working against you.
That’s my random internet guy advice.
Don’t disagree but gaining confidence isn’t something that normally happens at the flip of a switch. It might take this guy a while…
Do you have any idea at all what might be causing all these rejections? I mean, if you’ve had 30 years to think about it, you must have some theories.
I’m not trying to sound like an asshole or anything, apologies if I do. I’m just straight up wondering. Maybe it would be easier to help if we didn’t have to make wild-ass guesses about what the problem might be.
You sound a LOT like me, circa 1979 - 1995. Then, seemingly as if by magic, in 1996 things seemed to change for me. At that point it seemed like I practically had to beat the women off with a stick (only figuratively, of course). Not that I wanted to ;). So give it time - hopefully you’ll find your confidence some day and after that it’ll all be peaches and cream. Or, at least, keep telling yourself that…
Don Rickles’ stage persona is funny. Very few would want to date somebody who is really like that.
All that, along with various other activities through which people meet one another.
I’m about the same age as your offspring (33) and I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I can’t quite say that I could have written the first post, in that I wouldn’t try the email scheme, but it’s very familiar otherwise. I’m not shy. I never have been. It was easy to talk to girls, and it’s easy to talk to women. It just doesn’t work in person, and it doesn’t work online, nor has speed dating worked out. They reject me, just like people in general.
I have a therapy appointment in an hour. I’ve been in therapy off and on since 2002 (or even earlier, arguably), and I’ve recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. The drugs aren’t working, but hopefully someday I’ll break through whatever it is that’s made me such a failure.
I’ve had ups and downs, highs and lows. During the lows, though, it hasn’t really been a mystery to me what the causes have been (basically, they seem to correlate with me generally fucking my life up).
I did have a friend who is described exactly by your post, though. He was a virgin for the longest time, and was very, very bothered by it. It seemed like he couldn’t get lucky with the ladies to save his life.
Then, somehow he landed his first girlfriend (an absolutely wonderful and beautiful person, BTW, not some desperate hook-up), and from that point, boom, the guy, was off. That first relationship didn’t last, but after that he was blowing through everyone and everything of a female persuasion within sight. Effortlessly. Yeah, he was beating them off with a stick. This included several ladies that I personally had my eye on, but who would never give me the time of day (not that I’m jealous or anything… OK, maybe just a tad).
Interestingly, it turned out that this wasn’t really his lifestyle of choice, and he ended up marrying and settling down after just a few shorts years of this making-up-for-lost-time bonanza.
What caused the change? Actually, I’m not sure, he was still the same guy. It must have been something about the vibe he gave off. I guess it flipped from “I’m the kind of guy who can’t get laid” to “I’m irresistible”. “Confidence” really is the best I can come up with.
In any case, it was a very happy ending for him.
Ok, I’ll give a little non-tongue-in-cheek advice, because the OP clearly needs it. I’m confident my shyness, at it’s worse was at least as great as the OP’s. I overcame it, so he can, too.
It really is all about confidence and minimizing the imagined consequences of failure. It’s not easy to get to that point, but it’s not particularly difficult either—you just have to make it a priority in your life.
I was painfully shy up to and including my undergraduate years. I had my first girlfriend toward the end of high school, but it was she who initiated the relationship because I was too scared to ask anyone out (she got me drunk at a party, and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse). She was a very funny girl and we had a lot of laughs together (and a bonus was that her mother used to bring her bong and pot downstairs for us all to enjoy), but we really weren’t compatible romantically and stayed together longer than we should have.
It was basically inertia that kept us together: neither of us wanted to take a chance to find someone more compatible. We had talked of getting married, despite my heartfelt feeling that it would be a big mistake (Interestingly, after 40 years she recently contacted me through Facebook now that we’re both divorced…and, we’re certainly not matrimony bound, but we picked up right where we left with the funny stuff. Her mom’s still alive, too, but no longer has her bong).
It wasn’t until my 3rd year of college that I got my second girlfriend. Ironically, we met at an adult school Assertiveness Training course (mainly for me to combat my painfully shy demeanor with girls; she to combat her timidity with co-workers). We both felt a connection when the teacher scolded us for disrupting class (yes, it’s possible to be shy and still be class clowns). I managed to build up the gumption and ask her out on a date. We stayed together for the next 3 years in an exclusive relationship. We even got engaged. She was quite beautiful (it sounds cliché, but she was a part-time print and TV model), and she was a very sweet girl. But we were completely incompatible—we had virtually no interests in common. We fought on a regular basis over minutia (e.g. she would spend literally hours in the bathroom getting dolled up for our dates…ahhhh!).
It was a very painful decision for me to make, but I couldn’t go through with a marriage to someone I was incompatible with (mentally, not physically), just because I was too afraid to put myself out there and find someone I was compatible with. After weeks of bad feelings and fights, she came to realize the same thing and we broke off the engagement. We remained friends for a while and I was happy to learn she married a man she fell in love with and had a lot in common with (she even sent me her wedding photos…I admit, that did kind of hurt).
But, those two experiences taught me a valuable lesson about the dangers of being too shy and timid: you may not find any companion at all; or worse, you may end up marrying the wrong person because you were too scared to get out of your comfort zone.
So, I henceforth changed my perspective and consequently my behavior from that point on. (You can and should do the same, OP).
You’re doing yourself and potentially someone else, a great disservice if you don’t embolden yourself and seek true compatibility. One way I found to do this is to really consider the worst case scenario. You ask a girl out and she say’s “no.” So what? She’s just a person, one of billions on Earth. Is she going to go around pointing at you and tell everyone what a loser you are for having dared asked her out? No, if anything, she’s probably at least a little flattered that you asked her out, even though she felt no connection. She may even think of you as someone to respect because you at least put yourself on the line and made the attempt, as opposed to all the real losers too scared to try. But, in any event, at the point of her saying “no”, she should not matter to you in the least. She’s now someone no longer worth your time or energy to fret about.
I got to the point of being mentally prepared whenever I asked a girl on a date. I would expect my request to be accepted (confidence), but if it wasn’t, I figured it was more her loss than mine. Normally, I would just think this to myself, unless, as happened once or twice, the rejection was particularly mean-spirited, then I would say “hey, your loss, not mine, honey” to her face. But, honestly, with my new assertive approach, my requests were accepted far more than denied.
You only go around once on this Earth, don’t take the journey without at least trying to find romantic companionship in the most effective way you can muster.
I spent the remainder of my 20’s in school and training, and my dating life was fulfilling, though not excessive. I wasn’t looking for Mrs. Right, just Mrs. Right Now. I was up front and honest with my dates. No engagements or paths to matrimony were expected or forthcoming.
When I entered the “real world”, my thirties were a blur of successive and often simultaneous girlfriends. I was confident and put myself out there. It was a great decade. This was my time to be a player. There were some hurt feelings along the way, but not many, and they weren’t intentional.
When I hit 40, I wanted to settle down and have kids. That’s when I let my guard down. I met and married someone who I really didn’t get to know very well. She turned out to be a pure, unadulterated sociopath (in my defense she could have hoodwinked Freud into believing she were a shrinking violet, or passed a polygraph exam after slaughtering a family of 5 in cold blood).
So, that brings me full circle. I’m once again single and too afraid to ask a woman out on a date (although my kids implore me to do so). Not because I’m afraid they may reject me; but, because they may accept me and turn out like my ex. I’m happy to be an ex-player from now on.
Just goes to show you, even when you do everything right, fate can still bite you in the ass.
But, OP, that’s no excuse for you to not try to find your Mrs. Right. Do whatever it takes to mentally prepare yourself to expect success, but be able to blow off rejection. It’s really not as difficult as it appears, and the payoff is worth it.
Are you sure you and I are not acquainted outside of the SDMB? 
Interesting. Now I actually had to go :dubious: for a moment. Your 1979-1995 timeframe doesn’t fit exactly, though. It’s actually not that far off, but this was a bit later.
So I suppose that it’s independent confirmation that this kind of thing happens.
Keep up the buggering and you’ll never find out! 
Excellent post! That’s essentially what I was thinking I’d come in and say, since that basic scheme worked for me like gangbusters.
I’d add to it and say that the OP should just keep it simple- just a cup of coffee or something early on. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you’re not out a lot of money, preparation or time. If it does, you can always improvise and grab a bite to eat, or move to a bar or something. Plus, it doesn’t put pressure on her like a formal dinner date might. It’s just a cup of coffee.
I think you should go a step further and send this note as a blast e-mail to every female you know. Don’t be a wimp and use the blind CC function either…you want all the women to know who their competition is.
If you don’t get a response, move to another state and try again. Rinse and repeat.
Seriously, the “devastation” thing is your problem. In seems to indicate that you are getting ahead of yourself mentally and emotionally and developing a relationship in your head that doesn’t exist. Let imagine that the object of you affections DID say yes when you asked her out. If she decided after one date that she didn’t want to see you again, you’d probably be even more devastated, right? If you dated for 3 months and she broke up with you – even more devastation, right?
Women sense that you have WAY too much invested in a simple coffee invitation and they realize that they have two choices – go out with you and eventually marry you and have your children someday throw you a big golden anniversary party or devastate you.
Now, I know that it’s easy to say all this but that you really can’t change how you feel.
Now, here’s my advice. One, always ask the woman if she has a husband or boyfriend before you ask her out. While this may seem basic, I was always amazed at how many guys steadfastly blinded themselves to the possibility that I might be otherwise involved and not open to dating. I could really never figure this out, it was like they thought if they didn’t bring it up I’d just somehow forget that I had a man at home sharing a bed with me.
Of course, it wasn’t that – it was the imaginary investment they had in the non-existent fantasy relationship - they didn’t want any hint of reality to infringe on that. And that’s why women always have to do that awkward “I have a boyfriend” thing.
And if you ask her if she is in a relationship before you ask her out it increases your odds - it shows that you see her as a real person that has a life outside of your head, and it makes you seem grounded and less desperate. Really she’s not going to forget that she’s married if you don’t ask, so ask.
My second piece of advice is to try asking out women that you maybe aren’t that interested in. Not anyone that you think is ugly or that you dislike – just someone that you aren’t crazy about and aren’t crushing on. It’s good practice and maybe you’ll find that you really do like this woman after you get to know her. If not, don’t ask her out again. Ask someone else. Not going out with someone shouldn’t be an awkward scene - for you or for her. Practice, practice, practice.
This will help you get to know a woman for who she is before you get entangled in a made up emotional involvement.
I’ll add to my previous post and suggest that the OP actively ask out women for coffee that he doesn’t know much about, and hasn’t met before. Like strike up conversations with women at the bank, grocery, bus stop, etc… and if they don’t seem totally idiotic, married or annoying, see if they’ll have coffee.
If nothing else, the experience of being rejected and being successful (yes, you’ll be successful if you do it enough), will make him confident, and that confidence will build on itself.
There’s not much that women find intriguing and attractive than a guy who seems to be confident enough to ask them out, but who doesn’t seem needy or desperate in the least bit. They seem to be attracted by men who essentially take the attitude that they can come along, but that they’re going to have a great time doing something regardless. Kind of the exact opposite of the guy who’s desperate and needy when asking a girl out because he’s ALREADY invested by the time he works up the nerve.
Better to do a bunch of non-invested dates to get that confidence. Plus, you never know; one of those women may turn out to be smart and funny and you’ll hit it off.