My new employee, or Good Heavens: What have I DONE?

The BBQ Pit
1

So I finally hired my new employee, filling out my group. And he seems to be a good kid (19 or so, making him the youngest one in the group by about 6 years), he’s a fast learner, he’s extraordinarily polite on the phone, his call notes are spelled well and his writing isn’t bad, he’s well spoken, intelligent…but…

He’s a kook.

He believes in vast government conspiracies covering up the Face On Mars which is linked to Ancient Astronauts who built the Sphinx. (wha?)

He believes in the 200 mile per gallon carburetor, which is being suppressed by the anti-“New-QUE-lar” energy people (wha?). And he keeps talking about “New-QUE-lar” power. Even though he thinks it’s a liquid. (wha? x2)

He believes in mind-control chips implanted in people’s brains to cover up the Kennedy assassination “attempt” (wha?)

He believes in Richard Hoagland-style Mars crap, from glass Martian tunnels to ancient cities to (God help me) canals. I got involved in this one long enough to point out that there ARE no Martian canals. He argued, saying that they pointed Hubble at Mars and saw them.

He believes every X-Files style glurge that comes along.

He can’t defend his beliefs, he can’t debate his beliefs, he just states them flatly as fact. Several of the other techs have shredded some of his dumber comments. I want to join in so badly that I can taste it. However, my new mantra for the last week has been:

I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs.
I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs.
I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs.
I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs.
I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs.
I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs.
…but if he gets into the “Moon Landing Hoax” I’m gonna rip him a new one.

Fenris
[sub]I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs. I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs. I am the supervisor. I do not have the luxury of arguing with him over his beliefs…[/sub]

2

Here is another one you can try on for size

I am the supervisor.
As long as he is doing the job I am happy.
I could give two shits about his beliefs.

3

hehe just have fun with him. Conspiracy theorists can be a damn good time, especially if you have authority over them. Put ‘secret’ memos on your desk from the CIA about the ‘recently identifed threat’. Get a friend in a suit and white car to periodically drive by slowly. Tell just him to take the day off because some workmen need to do some work in his office, then move everything around. Put in a new security system at invovles one camera just outside his office.

4

Why not have one of your other employees direct him here? Then you could debate the hell out of him and he’d never, ever know.

5

I like wolfman’s idea. Tell him that some men came by and asked if they could speak to him. You said that he was working hard, but as soon as he was done you would tell them. So the only way he can keep the G-men away is to keep working hard! I’ll send you some UFO pics I doctored in my own backyard if you need a little joke. Have fun!

6

Don’t look at this as a problem, look at it as an opportunity. You now have your own, private, pet kook. Not everyone is this lucky, you know. Whenever you want some insight into what’s new in the world of kookdom, he’s right there, and probably thrilled to tell you all about it. And if you ever want a kookiness detector, hey - just ask him about the issue in question, and if he’s all over it, problem solved - obviously kook-related. :smiley:

7

When I was 17, I had a supervisor that believed, really believed, that everything rotated around the earth. She thought the stars were just reflections of the sun’s light.

If you think being this kid’s boss is hell, imagine being his employee.

You’ve got a chance to help this kid get his head on straight. You’d have to do it subtly, gracefully, and with humor, but somehow I think you’re up to the task.

Fighting ignorance, on the front lines. He’s a brave guy, that Fenris.

8

Maybe you can fuel the fire. Give him some Barry Fell and Graham Hancock. :wink:

9

T’would be stooping to conquer, my good man.

How can you miss such a large target?

Where’s the sport?

10

I like wolfman’s idea too. Can you get some friends to come in wearing tuxedos and dark sunglasses and just say weird, conspiracy-related stuff?

Friend in tuxedo and dark sunglasses: “Did you see a UFO hovering over the building at roughly 4:39 yesterday afternoon?”

Employee: “No.”

Friend in tuxedo and dark sunglasses: “That’s right, you didn’t.”

11

Ah, but how will he know you’re not part of …

The All-Encompassing Conspiracy.

(Where were you on Nov. 22, 1963, eh? And don’t give us that bullshit about not having been born yet.)

12

I used to have a co-worker whose only documented reading material was the National Enquirer, we’d do a celebratory luncheon at a nice seafood restaurant and she would order chicken fingers. We’d do the end of the year party at another nice restaurant (Chinese) and she’d order… chicken fingers. We’d go to yet another nice cosmopolitan restaurant, and she’d order… chicken fingers, with sauce on the side.

Geez, how did this happen, didn’t we coach you? damn. coulda sworn I told you about my ‘other’ question… (I used to point out in interviews that it was a small office, we’d typically get into conversations about current events, and would discuss pretty near any and all issues, including religion, abortion, death penalty, etc. Had one guy who answered “I can be counted on to have the basketball scores”. )

I told you to e-mail me - you coulda had me on an extension phone listening in on the interview, and I would have heard the crackling from his tin foil hat.

Well, let’s review - he does his work well. He gives you fodder for mental fun games afternoon. He keeps you in the loop for the internet crazies [sup]tm[/sup], so when we get infestations of loonies, you’ll be able to sit back bemusedly and comment 'well, if xfilesRreal had checked the last memo, they’d have known that the issue isn’t really ‘if the moon landing was real’, but rather ‘is the moon real’.

well, damn. I do, disagree with Amulet do not lead him here! no, please, for all that’s good and sane, we do not need another one who will argue point after point, see the premise of their argument shredded, see each position loose support, see the demonstration of their faulty logic, and yet will reply with “well, the evidence be damned, IMHO it’s true”

13

Per this guy his “favorite food is…<dramatic pause> sushi” <he waits for shocked gasps. They don’t happen.>

“Yes.” he repeats “My favorite food is…<dramatic pause> SUSHI…You know…raw fish!” <more waiting for shocked gasps>

One tech replies “Uh, sashimi (sp) is usually the raw fish. Not all sushi contains raw fish. And so? Most of us eat sushi. It’s good. I especially like these varities…”

<new guy looks disappointed that we’re not shocked by his “outrageous” food preferences>

**

:: protesting ::
I did ask the “other” question. He talked about liking “Sci-Fi” (the words “sci-fi” are a warning sign) but followed it with “…like Heinlein” (which is a removal of warning sign). He talked about computer gaming. He likes hockey. He talked about some movies he enjoyed (he didn’t mention Adam Sandler, so I figured he was OK). I didn’t mention politics since I have to discourage political talk: we have one Bomb-Throwing McGovernik, one Right-Of-Mussolini Gingrichoid and one very, VERY extremist Green (“Save the Smallpox virus!”) who have descended to screaming and not answering calls so that they can finish their arguments on occasion (they get along fine as long as politics aren’t discussed).

He gave no hint of Kook-dom.

**

I dunno. We ended up talking for about 45 minutes, the fixed questions only took about 25 minutes and I suspected nothing. I know you’re far more experienced here, but this kid is good.

**

I suppose the focus of my rant should have been this: What’s getting to me is that I don’t think I can argue back…and I want to.

But I don’t want to take a chance of him going to HR and saying “Fenris is attacking my beliefs!” or “Fenris didn’t give me a raise because he hates my beliefs”, plus it seems like an unfair use of power. Since I have complete control of his pay raises, promotions, performance reviews, etc. I don’t think it’s appropriate to debate with him. We’re not on a level playing field. It’s the same reason I don’t date from there since my promotion. If I argue with New Guy or ask a tech for a date, it puts them in an impossible position. (Plus, it’s no fun if he’s worried about the consequences of pissing me off)

I assure you, if I was a tech again, I’d be having a lot more fun with XFiles-Lad.

**

Set your mind at ease: it shan’t happen. As it is, I can rant here with relative annonymity. If I lead him here and he sees this sort of rant, he’s probably bright enough to put two and two together.

Besides, 40+ hours a week of him is enough.

Fenris

14

I feel I’ve let you down. I agree that as a supervisor, you shouldn’t get pulled into one of those. Perhpas you can cultivate an eyebrow raised “how very interesting. Now, about those (fill in work related task here)” with him.

Word of caution (having watched an exceptionally nasty ‘you made my work place unbearable’ gig) - if it is your custom to engage in small talk chatty kind of stuff with others there (and it does seem to be, and frankly thats a good thing), be sure to find safe topics (scifi fiction for example) to do with him.

And, on the really positive side (since you’re promising to never, ever, ever let him come here), you can bring some of his more, shall we say, ‘colorful’? examples for all of our amusement?

I like the ‘sushi’ story. I know that type well - they usually have a real tough time around me :smiley: (I don’t shock easily - after all, I’ve talked to child molesters, mother killers, and even politicians)

anyhow, hope you forgive that I wasn’t able to help you avoid a loony (please? or do I need to flash tits again?)

15

I bet some of your other employees believe that an old white guy live up in the clouds and watches everything they do. I bet they also believe that if they piss this guy off he’ll sent them to the center of the earth were a red guy with horns will poke them with a pitch fork!

I would much rather work with crazy people who do a good job, than with sane people who suck at their job.

16

You’d never let me down! As a matter of fact, I’ve already tried the raised eyebrow/“how very interesting” thing.Seems to work.

**

Sure thing!

He got into an arguement with an old navy guy about whether it was a shorter distance travelled around the world if you fly or if you walk. Not quicker, mind you. Shorter. (Assuming Earth was a perfect sphere). Um. If the circumference of the Earth is X miles at the equator and you go 10 miles up from the equator, you’ll be travelling in a bigger circle! (I no longer remember the math to prove this). When confronted, he claimed that he was measuring in “air miles”.

I think this guy’s problem is that since he’s so bright (he’s already taking solo calls after a little less than a week of training. This is very unusual and very impressive and I’ve been checking: he’s been doing 'em right). I think he’s not used to not being the center of attention/special/advanced. It must be odd for him to be in a group of people, all of whom are older by…8-10 years and he’s trying to show off and it’s backfiring. A thirty year old Navy vet who’s been in the workforce since he was 17 is harder to bluff/impress/intimidate than your average high-school graduate.

In other words, he may be trying too hard, and trying shock techniques that work on his friends with a considerably older group. With little success.

**

Geeze! It wasn’t your fault and I appreciate the help immensely: I’ve gotten two great workers (one of whom may be a Kook) via your advice! I’m greatful! That said, a flash o’ tits couldn’t HURT! :smiley:

labdude
I work with several devout Christians. If they were A)Prostelitizing (sp) B)spouting faith healing nonsense C)explaining why Evil-ution is the work of Satan etc you’d have seen exactly the same rant.

I agree that I’d rather have crazy people who do a good job, etc, but that’s a false dilemma: rather than either, I’d rather have sane people who were good at their job.

Fenris

17

Air miles??? AIR MILES??? that’s priceless!
(reminds me of my own attempt at deep thought when I was in grade school - I tried to make the case that zero was the largest number, something about numbers being on a continuum - hell it made sense to me then…)

Well, I’m glad to have helped in any degree. Keep the good boys’ thoughts coming, I need some laughs (son is at school prom… in my car… has a date tomorrow, too - plans to buy her flowers - but, get this - nothing ostentageous, mixed posies or daisys :eek: )
and, here, just for you:

standing up:

(@) (@)

reclining:
(@) (@)

wearing an underwire bra:

**(@) (@) **

18

Believe it or not, there really are “air miles”, in a manner of speaking. As was explained to me by my friend (who’s an aerospace engineering major) just last week, aircraft use nautical miles rather than statute miles (aka “normal” miles) to measure distance. As with ships, the calculations are easier if you use nautical miles, which are somehow (I forget how exactly) derived from longitude lines. According to this mile-conversion site, 1 nautical mile = 1.15 statute miles (approximately), so the Earth’s circumference as expressed in nautical miles is a smaller number, magnitude-wise, than with statute miles.

Of course, that doesn’t make your employee any less wrong, as they are two separate units with similar names. It would be like saying that the distance is greater if you’re French rather than American, since they use the metric system, and the number of kilometers is greater than the number of (statute) miles. It sounds like he heard a fascinating new fact (“Airplanes use nautical miles! Wow!”) and completely misunderstood the concept.

19

Latitude lines. A nautical mile is a minute of latitude. Degrees of latitude are constant, whereas degrees of longitude get smaller nearer the poles.

20

This is probably exactly what’s wrong. His little factoid about “air miles” sounds like one of those trick questions people use to try prove how smart they are.

Which weighs more, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?
They both weigh the same, a pound’s a pound.
(Smugly explains concept of avoirdupois vs. troy pounds)

The difference is, while that one’s true, his factoid is just plain wrong and based on a lack of understanding the idea of nautical miles.* He still had no idea what the hell he was talking about, which seems to be a common problem for him.

*[Added on preview: It seems I have a bit of lacking there myself. :o Thanks for the correction, yabob]