My parents found out...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I used to be a cutter. And everyone’s who’se been through some kind of self-defeating behavior… be it unsafe sexual promiscuity, cutting, excessive drugs use, drug dependancy, etc etc knows that lectures and tears never stop the behavior. At times, it even increases the desire to continue.

Its important to realize first that you are the only person responsible for you. You are the only person who’s there to keep an eye on you at your darkest moment… You have the ability to hurt and even kill yourself… but what I dont think most of us realize is that we also have the ability to save ourselves. You are the only person with the power to put down the blade and save yourself. It’s a huge responsibility, but once you realize that taking care of yourself makes you strong, its alot easier.

My parents wanted to get me on psych meds, my boyfriend wanted to get me into counseling… All of the sudden, no one trusted me. I have to admit, the feeling of being treated as an incapable and dangerous child was FAR worse than even the lowest depression I’d experienced.

So I stopped. I looked at myself in the mirror and I promised me that I would look out for me. I dont know your story, but I would bet that someones hurt you… Well… I looked in the mirror and promised myself that I wouldnt be “one of them” I wouldnt be my abuser. I promised myself things would get better if I could just be strong enough for right now.

and they did. They got better. I have a beautiful son and a lovely sweetheart… I have a decent job and Im getting by. I never saw a psychologist (Though I do have friends that I confide in. They’re wonderful people) and I never took psych meds.

I believe I am manic-depressive… and there are times when I hurt and feel helpless and everything seems futile… but after awhile… you recognize the feelings of self-sabotage. You start to seperate the useful thoughts from the harmful thoughts and you assure yourself that “this time will pass… this time will pass… and I will still be here, unharmed.”

You are responsible for you. And while others may care, and others may cry… The only person you’re letting down is yourself.

Remember, you’re worth the struggle, sweetie.

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Frankly, no, it’s not pathetic; it’s not even surprising. I found myself at the EXACT same point, where I sat with the two hundredth razor blade for the umpteen millionth time and, as I searched for a simultaneously “excusable” [read: “oops, cut myself on the car door…or something, I guess…”] and currently undamaged spot, just found myself dully going through the motions without feeling any of the feelings of relief that I used to feel at the prospect and/or execution. I also thought, well, apparently I’ve reached the point where even this is just an exercise in futility. I continued the action but it was just a matter of habit, no relief.

My only comment is that it is likely to be a sign that something in your mind has tripped a switch to say, “Hello, this isn’t working anymore!” There’s an outside %.0009 chance that it means the edge of the ice has finally grabbed you (I would be dishonest if I didn’t say it), but there’s a HUGE change that it means that your mind has finally said, “Hey, this is BS, and we’re tired of it.” And the fact that you’re still here to post is pretty strong confirmation that it isn’t that tragic final outcome that your mind really wants for you. See it as a loud message saying, “Hey, know what? Maybe that part of me that wants to have a decent and livable life with some pleasure in it is finally giving out a shout.” Not saying that life will magically turn around at noon today, but maybe your psyche has finally had enough of dealing with it in this self-destructive way (however enjoyable it may be, whether anyone around you understands that or not), and is ready to let you choose another path. Perhaps your mind is telling you – just as invisibly as it told you it was time to cut!! – that it is time to begin that journey back toward healthier ways.

You aren’t going to be magically healed, but turning that corner is the RIGHT step TOWARD life in all its aspects, however much it takes to get there. More often than not those turns come without our seeing them coming, certainly without our “planning” - but it’s worth listening to. I relate it to AA’s thought about getting “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. You never need to have had a drink to know immediately the feeling described by the phrase. Sometimes that higher awareness (no, I’m not an AA member, just an agnostic) within us is able to make its voice heard, and it is almost always a mistake to fight that wiser self within you that is trying to send you a message.

Do keep posting, as there are people out there who care and understand…

(…and have come back from the brink, too.)

63

Hey Welfy, what don’t you like about Zoloft? Is it a side-effect, or the very idea of taking pills, or something I haven’t though. What was the longest period where you took them regularly? They take a while to take effect, so I was wondering if you ever got the benefits of them.

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That’s supposed to read “… or something I haven’t thought of”.

65

Please take your medication. It may not work right away. It may not work at all, and they’ll try something different. But you won’t know until you get with the program, girlie! Not everyone with an emotional problem needs medication, but your doctor has decided you do. So do I.

Let’s examine Opal-On-Her-Medication and contrast it with Opal-Off-Her-Medication. Shall we?

Opal-On-Her-Medication is a good mom, an artist, builds an ever-growing web empire and runs a moderately successful web design and hosting business. She is a good friend and fun to be around. She’s a crappy housekeeper.

Opal-Off-Her-Medication is an indifferent mom. She is too despondant to do her artwork or her web design work. She does stupid things like cutting her arm open, scanning it, and posting it on the SDMB. She drives her friends away in droves (the last one actually had me taken away by the police) and isn’t fun to be around. She is a danger to herself. She still is a crappy housekeeper, but she makes it worse by throwing chairs across the room

Opal-Off-Her-Medication is a mystery to me. I sit inside her in bewilderment, not understanding why she is doing what she is doing, and unable to stop her. She doesn’t represent who I am or how I really feel. She’s like a car with a wheel missing and a brick on the gas. I don’t like her very much.

Opal-On-Her-Medication is the real me. It is my body and mind functioning like they are supposed to, without the random inexplicable bullshit going on. It’s me in control of myself. I feel everything JUST as strongly. My personality didn’t change. My emotions weren’t dulled. But I’m happier. I like who I am.

Give your medication the chance to make you Welfy-In-Control and not Welfy-In-Outer-Space ok?
Or I’ll have to beat you up. :smiley: