Cecil wrote a column about this almost 15 years ago. A Dustette looks a lot like a Dustbuster, actually.
<aside> When I googled for “hoover dustette”, the second link on the page was to Cecil’s column. </aside>
Fatty Johnson, Hertz von Weiner, Johnny Amplemeat…
Hey, I think we’ve found Big McLargehuge!
And Hugh G. Schlong, of course!
Fellas, I’ll share this personal experience in hopes that this does not happen to any of you. If you even suspect that you’ve been exposed to poison ivy, do not wash/touch your wang in (or out of) the shower without latex gloves or something on your hands. I guess this also goes for beating off or touching others, but based on my experience, seriously, do not handle the schlong after exposure to poison ivy. I got serious bagel-dog wang and was unable to obtain or sustain an erection. Hmmm. Fortunately I was away on business so did not expose Mrs. C to this, but didn’t really have easy access to a doctor. The solution was icepacks for several nights in a row and fortunately the bagel disappeared, leaving a healthy functioning dog.
Don’t mess with the poison ivy bagel-dog wang!
This is just crying out to be the first line of the chorus of a blues song.
Hm. I’d expect the Glans penis to swell up as much or more in response to topical toxins like poison ivy. Did yours not do so? And how exactly did you get the toxin on your hands in sufficient amounts to transfer it so completely to the shaft of your penis, while avoiding the glans? Medical minds want to know.
Please elaborate. How much were you embiggened?
There’s a perfectly cromulent explanation.
Warning: TMI Ahead!
Actually speculation on my part based on how it spread. This was my first experience ever with poison ivy - I cleaned out a bunch of brush in our yard before leaving on the business trip. It spread from my arms to my hands, then my chest and groin and eventually my wang. This happened over several days. Based on the order and location of spread, I believe the primary vector was my fingernails despite thorough hand-washing: first by inadvertently scratching the exposed patch (started very localized) on my arms at night while sleeping (when I didn’t realize I’d been exposed) and then via clothing rub and while showering. Once I realized what it was, I began agressively washing everything with Tecnu soaps and lotions but I’m not sure how much this helped.
When the PI hit my schlong the entire length of the shaft swelled up to right around 2" diameter, but did not shorten proportionally. It seemed a lot heavier. And I don’t recall getting any erections while it was swollen - not even morning wood. There was probably a lesser swelling of the glans, I can’t remember because it wasn’t as impressive as the widening of the shaft. It seriously looked like the bagel-dog, except perhaps not quite so much “bagel” forward of and around the glans. It was also pretty painful. My scrot itched but did not get swollen. Fortunately nothing around there blistered like it did on other parts of my body.
Despite the really bad itching all over my body, I realized that scratching was making everything a lot worse, so I began wearing gloves and long-sleeved shirts and pants to sleep every night in addition to changing the sheets much more frequently (twice a day). For the swollen wang I kept it as clean as possible, applied Tecnu and a cold ice pack for hours at a time. That seemed to reduce the swelling pretty quickly on whichever side the ice pack was in contact with (this also took new Ziploc bags and towels to help me control the spread). After a couple days it stayed normal-sized and started working normally.
Hope that helps!
Cromulent indeed!
Did you use steroids? I’ve had patients with bad contact dermatitis that needed a shot of steroids.
Topical treatment with a potent steroid cream might have been a useful technique too, tho application would have been a mixed blessing at best. :eek:
In a word, Domeboro tabs…
mrAru suffers serious poison ivy allergy. I swear he can get it from a picture. He will get it over 40% of his body at the driop of a hat, and is on the prednisone count down at least 2 times a year, but living in lovely verdant connecticut where the stuff is endemic makes it tricky. As I have an allergy to topical corticosteroids, he gets triamcinolone acetonide cream at 0.1%, and domeboro tabs for either soaking or poulticing, and it helps to dry up the suppurating lesions wonderfully. [if we sleep in the same bed, and he has cortisone cream on, i look like i have poison ivy up until i start wheezing because my throat is closing up=(] He also gets another med for the itching. Amazing, he just walks into the base hospital and they automatically hand over the scripts. Happens 2 major problems and 4 or 5 small problem attacks a year. He even uses the pre-ivy stuff, and washes with Burts Bees poison ivy specific soap [which seems to lessen the problem, but doesnt eradicate it] he is really hoping that teh shot they are trying to develop will work as hoped…he would love to not have the problem!
Me? I can squat to take a whiz in a patch of poison ivy and nothing. I was picking wild grapes and standing in a patch of poison ivy and nothing happened…it really frustrates mrAru. Any time I go out into our woods, I have to pretty much strip on the back porch, garbage bag my clothes and walk into the house, making sure not to touch anything and take a shower or he will get it=( I make sure to take my infested clothes to a public laundry and run them through 2 or 3 times and have a set of outside wellies that he doesnt touch.
OTC hydrocortisone only. Helped some of the inflamation and irritation, but did not do anything about the spread, and I didn’t use it on the old johnson. This was about a two-week ordeal, wang embiggened for the second half only.
Hmm. It sounds like he’s already using Ivy Block, the pre-exposure lotion designed to help prevent getting it. I’m guessing the Burt’s Bees stuff is similar to Tecnu, a post-exposure cleanser which is supposed to do a superior job of breaking up the urushiol that causes the rash. I know you can’t always know when you’ve been exposed, but if you know it’s likely, these can help. If you note it happening when you’re out in the woods and don’t have access to the products, just trying to wash it off in a stream or pond can help a little.
I used to be a very severe reactor to poison oak when I was a kid. (It would cover a large proportion of my body with huge oozy blisters, making it difficult to move my fingers, elbows, and other joints where the blisters were — even closing off my eyelids when I had it on my face.) My pediatrician had me on allergy shots for it for several summers in a row, and after that, I now tend to get it more like normal people do (an itchy, bothersome rash with some blisters for a couple of weeks.) Even though I know something helpful was out there at one time (circa 1970), I too have been told that there’s no such thing as a poison ivy shot right now.
Whatever you do, don’t let a neighbor try to “help” your husband out by burning all the poison ivy plants on the lot — speaking from experience, that’s a bad, bad thing. Another tip? Tell him to keep away from mango peels. (Peel them and throw them away. Don’t be greedy and try to bite the last little bit off.)
OK, sorry for the hijack. Back to the mis-shapen penes.
I’d just like to say that using Ivy Block on the genitals is not something that I can condone.
And I’ve seen two cases of vulvar poison ivy in my career, both brought on by women who went out camping, and used the local leaves to wipe up after themselves. It was not something I ever hope to see again. I won’t even describe it, other than to say it made bagel dog man look like a normal variant.
LOL, after 12 years of this garbage [why in hell didnt we just get that nice townhouse safely immersed in the concrete and asphalt jungle…] =) we know not to burn poison ivy, and all the tricks of dealing with it…it is just that he is SO freaking allergic to it that he pops within minutes of exposure. I have seen it take 12 hours to go to the full hot, inflammed and puffy wonder that is poison ivy, going from one small patch of about 1 square inch to about 25% of his body…I figure that if it turns into a full bore anaphylactic reaction, i will pop him with my epipen and damn the legalities of it.
Although the first year the navy docs weren’t as accustomed to it as they are now, and they gave him calamine lotion…so when you take calamine lotion + suppurating pustules in varying stages from fresh and oozing, to scabs embedded with calamine lotion + gauze bandages made into greyish ‘rags’ and loosely wrapped around him, a loin cloth and a society for creative anachronism event, you get a credible leper [ though no lost body parts] He even made 32 cents in his begging bowl=)
You’re the kind of person that makes us sufferers crazy. 
I have an uncle that can chew poison ivy and nothing happens. OTOH, I was just about hospitalized the first time I came across the stuff when cutting firewood. I woke up the next morning with a head that looked like the Great Pumpkin of Charlie Brown fame. FTR, I was about 8 or 9 and had no noticeable embiggening but a hell of a lot of itching.
Regards
Testy
Yes, the famous “doctor conversations.” My wife and I have met a lot of surgeons and oncologists lately and when we have them over for dinner they do tend to have some hairy anecdotes. My favorite was a description of some kind of plastic surgery where they effectively peeled the patient’s face off, did something or other, and then put it back. :eek:
They are never dull though, I’ll say that much for them.
Regards
Testy
Since you’re only supposed to put it on exposed flesh before you’re likely to get exposed, I wouldn’t recommend it, either. (Going au naturel is obviously a matter of personal choice, but I sure wouldn’t recommend it when poison ivy is around.)
And, aruvqan? Don’t get too cocky over being immune to poison ivy right now. Repeated exposure to it can result in you eventually developing an allergic reaction to it.
And I second your thoughts about calamine lotion. Darned useless crap that just makes you look like a PINK purulent monster.
Horrific is the PI (or some other problem like urticaria) when you are deathly allergic to steroids. You don’t even wanna know what my sensitive bits looked like when I had hives covering 98% of my body.
I probably looked somewhat similar to that vulvar poison ivy person.
My own experience of proffering medicinal aid to a lady who had suffered the deleterious effects of poison ivy after using the said weed as a substitute for toilet tissue while pausing to go to the bathroom when on a hiking trip had the effect of sealing my lips instantaneously. Much the same can be said of the effects of the weed on the lady’s lips.
update: Mr. Bageldog really wants the taxpayers to subsidize surgery to restore his original genital topography. He’s hinted that he’ll file an official complaint if not referred to a decent reconstructive urologist.
Further bulletins as events warrant.
[QUOTE=Qadgop the Mercotan]
update: Mr. Bageldog really wants the taxpayers to subsidize surgery to restore his original genital topography. He’s hinted that he’ll file an official complaint if not referred to a decent reconstructive urologist.
Further bulletins as events warrant.[/QUOTE
Topography, that’s great! “I got yer Upper Peninsula right here, buddy!”
I can hear it now; “Well, your honor, I had committed a crime by taking possession of an illegal narcotic substance, and then I committed another crime by knowingly giving the illegal narcotic substance to someone else as a payment. I then chose to undergo an illegal surgery and was therefore complicit in its act. But I don’t like how it turned out, can you make them fix it for me? Oh, and it has to be an even better penis than it was before, or else I’ll sue some more.” It would serve him right to go in looking like Florida and come out looking like Italy.