The chemistry that is conducive to friendships can be just as elusive as any other chemistry; does this surprise you? In fact, it’s often more elusive if the person is anything like me (e.g., a loner who enjoys their own company a lot). There doesn’t have to be any deep reason for not wanting to befriend someone, and just because you think yall were compatible, doesn’t mean she felt that way.
It’s not clear to me why you want this woman to be your friend so much. Ignoring you at the party doesn’t sound like a winning personality.
Okay, I’m going to make it very easy - ready - to build chemistry/friendship/rapport with someone, ask them about their interests, listen, ask follow-up, intelligent questions about what they said, offer something from your own experience, even if it’s something like “Wow, I have never considered climbing Everest, I froze up on the monkey bars at school, how did you get into that?”
People like talking to someone that is actively listening and participating. NOT interrogating, it’s a give and take. If you are the “odd” one out, then fake some self confidence and get out there. No one knows that you are quaking inside unless you show it, so put on an outgoing, happy face and got for it, what is the worse that can happen? You’ll bomb, which you already have.
Can the OP clear something up? Are you looking for longterm intimate relationships or good friends with benefits? Maybe you’re ok with making longterm friends, but that’s that’s not key to what you’re looking for.
The thing is, the handful of poly people we’ve met are interested in expanding their families so to speak. I may be off, but it sounds more like you’re looking to expand your experiences. It doesnt’ mean you’re looking to shack up left and right, and it doesn’t mean you’re not looking to be friends with new partners. It just means that maybe your transition has been rough because you’ve been using the wrong search terms.
If it’s the latter, if you want new friends and aquaintences but aren’t exactly looking to develop strong emotional bonds, than you’ll be much more comfortable with the swinging community (my wife and I hate the term, but it’s so much better to us than ‘the lifestyle’). Anyway, it’s a huge community with vastly different expectations and interests. What separates it from poly (and there’s a lot of crossover, so take this as a generalization) is that though everyone is fine with being friends with benefits, and lots of long term friendships do develop, the primary goal isn’t to find new husbands or wives.
Also, remember thta whether it’s poly or swinging/swapping, it’s dating, and everything is just as quirky as in the vanilla dating world.
You really hit the nail on the head here. It’s not clear to me what she wants, either, but that may be because she doesn’t really know, or know yet.
Not only may she be using the wrong search terms, but it also sounds like she and her husband may not be on the same page in terms of what they’re looking for.
You mention the difference between polyamory and swinging. My understanding is that there are many modes of consensual non-monogamy, and when the term “polyamory” is used, it’s generally referring to people who have more than one romantic/long-term/serious relationship. This can be a boyfriend/girlfriend who has little contact with the primary partner, or it can be multiple people partnered together, or anything in between. As you say, though, other non-monogamous types look for something very different.
So if the husband is looking to “mess” with other women and Themis is looking to have a real girlfriend, then unless they have agreed on the parameters, trouble is likely to ensue.
Well I’m far more into women than you but obviously I can’t make that point. I have, though, heard a similar complaint made by a lesbian acquaintance of mine, whose exact words were, “They want to fuck you to see how it feels, then they go back to the world of men.” I don’t think there’s any love lost there.
So back to the thread…yeah, we’re now going on page 2 of this thread, and it’s about a couple of weeks since the OP. And still no explanation from the OP as to what she wants out of polyamory, which is what I and just about every other person in this thread wants to know. And every time the OP comes back, it’s more second-guessing about what happened at the party. Honey, the party’s over. What happened, happened. I’m sure you’ve been on dates before you were married where things didn’t click, where you realized you had little in common and no desire to see the person again and you just both went home with no further repercussions. Lord knows I have. But I get the strong sense that while you’re sitting there thinking about what happened weeks ago, your husband is out putting the make on some lady trying to convince her that he really is in an “open marriage.” I would think this is not your ideal situation.
When I moved back to the US after my marriage breakup (and, by the way, are you from out of the US yourself? Some of your writing style does seem to suggest that), I went on failed date after failed date after failed date. I was out of the “game” as it were. I hadn’t been on a date in so long that I didn’t know how to conduct myself properly; I was nervous, clammy, and treated the process like a job interview for getting in someone’s pants. You are in this same position, whether you recognize it or not. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but it’s probably been a long time since you’ve been on anything date-like. You’re used to getting companionship and intimacy with your husband without too much effort. That’s not going to happen with someone you don’t know, and that’s a major hurdle that I don’t think you’ve recognized. I think you need a change of plan if you’re going to be successful in what you want. Maybe a poly party is not a venue you’ll succeed in–I get the strong sense that you are a very shy, introverted person who doesn’t much like parties in general. Perhaps a dating site would be a better option (do of course be careful and always meet someone in a public place, obviously there are guys posing as women on a lot of said sites), but you will have to steel yourself for a failure or four or five, if you want to get what you want.
Whatever it is that you want. Which we still don’t know, and, given that, we feel we’re giving advice in the dark.
I have to say this “rule” worked for the poly relationship that I was in, but there were some pretty rare extenuating circumstances.
My girlfriend at the time was more lesbian than straight, to the point where I was much more concerned about her going off with a woman than a man. I offered to allow her to hook up with men but she turned that idea down.
We were looking for someone we were both going to be involved with. I gather that’s not common in poly relationships–after all, what are the chances you’re both going to be interested in the same person, who’s interested in both of you? Since she didn’t want to be involved with another man, that person was going to be a woman.
She got to pick who she wanted to initiate the relationship with. I was free to say no to my involvement, but with the understanding that she might want to continue the relationship with the other woman. Fortunately I seemed to be attracted to her type and we found a woman we were quite happy with.
And it “worked”…well, in the sense that only 90% of the relationship was an emotional, psychological, torturous wrecking ball. I mean, the other 10% was absolutely mindblowing, but the rest of it scarred me emotionally for life, and I’m really not kidding about that. Poly might work for other people but I will never consider it again.
I married my husband at age 22. And before I dated my husband, I dated two other guys briefly. I came out as bisexual four years ago, and at that time we decided to open our marriage. He has brought home several women, and we had some very fun experiences. However, when I go out and try to find women, it has been very difficult. Both in bars and on online dating. I rarely get dates, and when I do get one, there’s seldomly a second or third date.
This is been going on for four years. The reason why I keep dwelling on this last experience is that it was the final nail in the coffin, I guess. When I messaged this woman and when we had our first meeting, the chemistry (at least on my side) was the best ever. I thought I made a good friend, at least. The fact that she said she was only seeking friendship and not a relationship didn’t upset me much. I knew she had a lot of friends who were “available”. I don’t do well with cold approaches. I thought if I could make friends with her friends, a relationship could blossom there. That’s how I met my husband and the two other guys I dated before him. They weren’t some guys who picked me up from a bar or site, we were good friends first.
It also reminded me of another situation I had a few years ago. I met this cute and charismatic girl, and became friends with her. She had tons of friends, and some of her friends wanted to hook up with me, even those who identified as straight. I wasn’t interested in most of them. But, I did hook up with a few, and it was pleasant. I was hoping for a similar outcome.
What I’m seeking right now is a relationship. Friendships second. Sex third. I’m seeking all three, but I’m seeking a relationship the most. I don’t think I would be happy having my husband as my sole partner.
I’m actually quite extraverted and I love parties. However, I am slow to warm up to people who I don’t know. I like to observe people, before jumping in to socialize.