My Uncle doesn't like my Girlfriend because she's Black

My uncle is a trained hypnotherapist and has a PhD in psychology, and I’ve had a correspondance with him for the majority of my adult life on an informal basis. He’s helped me out in getting me a job and seeing a different perspective on life.

But there’s another side which is bothering me.

I’ve been dating and it’s been on going for a few months. Now, before I dated asian women etc, and there was no problem, the minute I dated this black woman it’s a big deal. He says ‘does she love you’ and ‘she’s just gonna use and abuse you’ so I called him up on it, I said to him you had no problem with me dating other races of women, yet the minute I date a woman who is black, it’s a big deal.
I guess the only theory I have is that my grandma told me once when he was young he was assaulted by some black women and has held a grudge about it ever since. But I don’t know about that.

Then he’s replied back with basically a goodbye note and have a nice life, just like a complete over the top reaction, so I replied about how sad I was about how it had come to this, for something imo was over nothing.

On another note, one of my brothers contacted me to tell me how my youngest brother had stopped contact with my mum, and I think it’s my uncle who has a grievance with my mum, is manipulating my youngest brother against her to hurt her.

This is a grown adult who has lived a very successful life we’re talking about. What’s going on with him? Should I keep a distance?

Let it go.

If he comes around, he comes around, if he doesn’t, then it is probably for the best.

He probably wants to manipulate you, or make you feel guilty and come to him. Don’t.

I’ll try to do that. The bigger question about him is, why?

We can’t tell you why; he may not even know it himself. All we can tell you is the usual “stay away from the crazy if you can”.

Why is anyone a racist? They learn from people around them. I would guess it would take something extraordinary to change his mind, so don’t hold your breath waiting.

Do you want to delve into his personal history to find out why? That’s gonna be tough if he’s already written you out of his life.

I wish I knew why. My best friend since childhood (educated, intelligent woman) recently revealed how racist she’s become when her older brother started dating a black woman. You’d think he pulled a crack whore straight out of the ghetto the way my friend acts. The woman in question is lovely too; an older intelligent medical professional her brother worked with for years before they started dating. My friend is so worried that if things go wrong the girlfriend will have her gangta brothers do the whole teeth on the curb thing or whatever the gangstas are doing these days. Popping caps in asses and such.
She doesn’t even know if the girlfriend has brothers, but she’s just convinced this is a race war in the making, because her 45 year old brother has the nerve to date a Black Person!

I am ashamed of the way my friend talks and I’ve asked her just not to discuss it with me.

“How are things going?”

“Pretty good I think. Next week her brother is going to teach me how to… I think it’s called “pop a cap in people’s asses” or something like that. Not sure what that means but it sounds kinda fun.”

Yeah I can understand that, with my family, it was more jokingly casual racism that was the atmosphere, so I took it that way, never thinking it was anything serious, and looking at what’s happened, I guess I was wrong, it is a big deal to some peopl, but what’s worse is my uncles manipulative behaviour, as if him throwing this tantrum will make me come crawling back.

Maybe he can hypnotize himself into thinking she’s white.

“When people show you who they really are, it’s your job to SEE!”

Yes, even when it’s people you love and respect. You have my sympathy, this is not easy.

People who make “joking, casual racist” remarks to each other are almost invariably racists.

I think you should respond to him in a way that honours your boundaries without stepping on his - something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I really like this woman and I’m not planning on breaking up with her. If you can find a way to accept this, I would be pleased if you would begin communicating with me again.” There’s no way to know what’s going on with him; he may be a racist, or he may be going through a bad patch right now, or he may be just a little bit crazy.

Well it’s too late to respond to him as he’s no longer speaking to me. Because I called him up on his issue with her being black.

He never said explicitly that he had a problem, but the way the language was conveyed and his past record of having no problem of me dating an asian woman beforehand pointed to that, plus he evaded my statement of me saying he had a problem with her because she was black.

But it just makes me wonder why it took a MONTH to reply after he asked the initial question, and this was someone I told my problems too, someone who helped me get my first proper job, for someone to do this, it’s just crazy.

Prejudice is usually based on ill conceived notions. Often times it is nothing more than a bad experience applied universally. Perhaps the uncle dated a black girl that did a number on him and he has applied that to blacks everywhere.

As a gay male I’ve seen people have no issue with gay people, until they start dating.

In other words they’re fine with a man being gay, but repulsed by the idea of a man being gay and doing something about it :slight_smile:

Another thing is there levels of racism. This can go from the extreme to the mild. People have the idea that you’re a racist or you’re not. This is not true. There are degrees to the feelings

It’s especially true of people from the 70s where we were taught absolute equality. Look at old episodes of “Maude,” or “All In The Family,” and you can see this is being taught. We now know there are real differences between the races. This means they aren’t equal.

But not being equal doesn’t mean one is better than the other. They are just different is all.

For example a person who wears glasses and has 20/20 vision is different from someone with 20/20 vision who does not wear glasses.

This doesn’t mean one is better than the other, but they ARE different and their needs will vary.

eh. everyone has flaws. it’s especially crushing when you realize them in people you look up to. it was rough to realize that my mom wasn’t particularly smart, or that my dad is brutally homophobic. my grandparents are racist, and they’ve never even seen a black person before, much less have cause for their bias. i still love them though.

personally, i wouldn’t let it bother me that much and shrug it off. if you’re truly bothered by it though… there are worse things you could do than phase out your racist uncle.

[devil’s advocate] what if you’re throwing away treasured lifelong relationship just on some girl? what if your uncle’s reticence is socio-economically motivated, and not racially? etc. [/devil’s advocate]

He’s ashamed. And he probably finds it particularly galling to be called on bad behavior by someone who he had previously been a mentor to.

Probably it took him so long because he was trying to find a rationalization that would allow him to “instruct” you on why he was right and you were wrong. When he couldn’t come up with one he had too choices: admit that it was a fair criticism, or cut himself off from the source. Sadly, he chose the latter.

Quoted for truth, because I knew someone in high school who was like this. He’d make vulgar and racist jokes all the time, and based on the fact that he also did general stupid shit (like donning a ski mask at school and then running away from the vice principal when told to stop) at first I thought “oh, he’s trying to get attention and/or be different.”

Nope. Just racist. And stupid.

(Coincidentally, I often wonder what he’s doing with his life now. He entered the military after graduation, and I want to know if it straightened him out at all.)

As for your uncle, OP, I agree with the general consensus: let him be. If he comes around, great, if not, don’t bother trying to force him. If these are his true colors, you really do not want someone like him in your life.

Oh. Well, then, I guess the best advice is something I read in an email today - enjoy the people in your life who treat you well, and to hell with the rest of them (paraphrasing).

That’s ridiculous. This man is what seems to be a close Uncle, so he’s probably going to have to some sort of grips with it.

How old is the guy, Ryan? I think in some people when the brain starts to go these kinds of attitudes can rear up. I’m not so sure it’s necessarily that they were always hiding racism so much as the part of their brain that realized that it’s stupid has malfunctioned.

What’s the ridiculous part, that the uncle can’t rationalize his motives himself? Or that, since the uncle has chosen to cut off contact, Ryan_Liam shouldn’t drive himself nuts over the uncle’s own freshly-discovered nut streak?