Well, there are some things he said that are true:
grades and dedication to studies are not the only measure of a person’s “smarts.”
But his motivational skills blow goats. First of all, he should have found out whether Jan really felt bad about going to a “worse” school. I went to a private college (it was the only one in the country for my major); Middlebro to what would be the equivalent of a community college (grown out of a trade high school); Lilbro to a public college. Neither of them could have come to mine… because mine only had one major at the time, which neither of them was interested in! If any of us had wanted to major in Sculpture, we would have had to go to yet another college - none of our three offers Arts.
Second, ok, let’s say she feels bad about that. The way to make her better is by pointing out the stuff she’s good at (without comparing her to anybody): “oh, dunnow, I’m glad Pam is doing well, but it’s not like you’re doing horribly… and I can think of quite a few things you’re good at.” Examples from propping up friends of mine: “you’ve got the greatest smile, it’s real contagious,” “your handwriting is beautiful,” “you have a lot of patience.” It doesn’t have to be something earth-shattering
Fume at him in here. And tell Jan and Pam that while X had good intentions (making Jan feel good*), well, he’s not very good at people.
*Yes, “good”, not “better”: better would have required him to do step 1, which he skipped, and obtain a result of “Jan is feeling bad”.
What your ex did to encourge the youngest was not what I would of done. But let’s hope your children don’t read or know your handle on the SDMB. Part of the divorce laws should be a rule saying you cannot disparage your ex within the children’s hearing.
Unless it’s linked to Face Book or My Space I’m not too worried.
Enough facts were changed in any rate. If they know my user name and found this thread it wouldn’t take them too long to figure stuff out, of course. But I can’t imagine anyone in their circle of friends who would stumble across it. My X has told me that message boards are for idiots and that I’m a fool to read any-so I think it’s safe to say that he won’t see himself on these cyber pages.
If Jan is feeling bad about supposedly being dumb, I have some words of encouragement. My brother and I had the same situation, with me being the “smart one” (it isn’t fun on this end either). We’re now adults, and my brother has shown a talent for political strategy - he was helping me with a tricky building permit application and had contingency plans for everything.
He also knows how to distill complicated documents down to their essence, and is great at teaching - he willingly admits his own mistakes, ditches the ego, and connects with people better than I can.
I’m guessing both Pam and Jan will find their own strengths and weaknesses in the real world.
This is a tightrope that I walk, and no doubt many other divorced parents do as well…
How do you make sure you never say an ill word about the other parent in front of your kids, yet still let them know that some of their perceptions are valid.
I would wager that most divorced parents are well-meaning, have read the books, and know not to pull their kids aside and tell them that their other parent is a complete loser. But that isn’t the end of it, the kids come to you with questions and unresolved feelings.
For example, what if the child of an alchoholic says to their other parent - “Daddy is mean a lot, especially when he drinks.” What are you supposed to tell that kid that lets him or her know that in your opinion they have a pretty clear eyed view of the situation (because the alternative is to negate your child’s perceptions) without also communicating that, yes, Daddy is acting like a drunk? I’m not about to tell the kid in so many words that his or her interpretation of the situation is wrong by telling them that Daddy’s just tired, stressed, unhappy, etc. etc. Then the kid walks away thinking, “I thought Daddy was drinking too much alchohol, but I must be wrong, I guess he’s just tired.” I also don’t think telling a kid with questions that this is a subject you refuse to talk about is the answer. That response communicates that these matters are too terrible to put into words or discuss at all.
One (or at least I) ends up saying something like, “Yes, Daddy drinks a lot and can get angry, but he loves you.” Which is pretty lame.
I have always been at a loss when my kids observe that their father treats other people in a way that decent folks do not. Especially since I know they are telling me about incidents to get some feedback - are their perceptions that their father is behaving badly correct? Or is their father right in that it IS OK to say anything to anyone if they’ve “made you angry”? I have felt that it’s my duty as the person who is raising them up and teaching them about life to let them know that being abusive is not OK. By extension that means that their father’s behavior is not OK. I don’t tell them that’s he’s a total jerk, but what other conclusion can they reach if I agree with them that people ( including their father) should not treat other people shoddily.
The only alternative I can think of is to make excuses for X, saying stuff along the lines of “He’s just stressed right now.” as if being stressed makes it OK to scream at strangers.
Those are really good question, Long Time. My dad was an angry man who treated his wife and daughters badly; when we talked to our mom about it, she made excuses for him and said he had his good points, too. She wasn’t wrong, but it did leave me feeling like my feelings and perceptions weren’t valid. He did treat me badly; I knew it then and I know it now. I don’t think it would have helped any for my mom to say, “Yeah, your dad’s an asshole,” though.
Long story short, there’s no easy answer there. I think it would go a long way for you to validate your children’s feelings, and maybe just that and no further. They see the things he does; they’re not stupid.
I agree also. How can someone be that dumb and yet clever enough to stir things up amongst three girls who tell each other everything and a Doper for a mom? Can’t be done.
By the time most kids are 18, they’ve made up their own minds about the merits of their parents. Saying something bad about the other parent just reflects on the person making the statement. Having daddy tell an 18-year-old that mommy is a bitch doesn’t have much impact, because by then they know that that was merely daddy’s opinion, not the hard, granite truth. Also, by then, if she is a bitch they’ve had that number for a while. If she’s not, they know it’s just another instance of idiot daddy running her down.
Speaking ill of an ex-spouse to older kids just means you’ve got no class. It’s probably not particularly damaging or life-changing to them at that point.
