What the the hell's YOUR problem with me?

The BBQ Pit
1

Yeah, you married my ex-wife. Five years after moving into her house and living off her largess, that is. You know, six months after my current wife and I got married. We got married in a full-blown wedding, with family; the two of you got married in Vegas on Christmas Eve with only the official witnesses. Boy, that screams class, don’t it?

I’ve tried to get to know you- I mean, hell, you get to spend more time with my son than I do. I’m not bitter about that… much. I firmly believe that KidLightnin’ is the most important part of this equation, and he doesn’t need to deal with the four of us not getting along… so, I’ve tried to arrange for all of us to go out to dinner sometime. ExLightnin’ made some excuses about you being too busy…

It wasn’t 'til about a year after the two of you got married that I found out that you hated me… from my son. I had still never even talked to you- heck, for quite a while Microbug and I weren’t even sure you really existed! How the hell can you hate me? Just 'cause I got there first? I’ve been over to pick up my son every other weekend for, hell, quite some time now- and you’ve never poked your fat, ugly head out to say “howdy!”.

Whatever. I don’t hate you… but I’m sure as hell gettin’ there. You’re some kind of children’s counselor- so why the heck is KidLightnin’ doing so poorly in school? Why’ve the two of you gotten into screaming matches? He’s a perfect gentleman over at my place- he does everything I ask him to do, and cheerfully so. You’re a counselor- why can I get him to behave, while you can’t? I’ve never had to even raise my voice to him- and the only time I’ve had to punish him was when I was maintaining the grounding the two of you have given him.

And why’s he spend so much time over at his grandmother’s? There aren’t any kids in that neigborhood- he spends all the time inside playing computer games. The kid needs sunlight, fer chrissakes! He apparently spends the majority of his time over there, 'cause there’s nobody to watch him at your place, and that bites. Of course, the ex works days and you work nights, but for some reason, there’s nobody ever home…

Oh, and about the smoking? Cut it the fuck out. My son’s clothes stink- I can barely stand to hug him when I get to see him- which by the way, is only about one-fourteenth of the time you get to see him (you know, if you ever bothered to, but I digress). I’d like my son to never smoke- you’re sure as hell setting a good example, asshole.

And then this last weekend… sigh

Microbug and I pull up to get the sprog for the weekend… hey, who’s that in the driveway? Why, it’s you! At least, I assume it is- you and the ex have been together for six or seven years now, and I’ve still never gotten even a good look at you, but who else could it be? And I know that you saw me, jerk. But then you ambled your ass back into the house- never making eye contact, of course. I assume that you’ve gone to let KidLightnin’ that I’m here, so I wait. Cool. Whatever.

And then I wait some more…

Finally, I decide to go ring the doorbell- maybe the kidlet’s gettin’ his stuff together. I press the button, and I hear the doorbell, so I know it works…

And then I wait some more…

Asshole! What the fuck’s your problem? Can’t you even answer the door? I mean, hell, I know you never answer the phone when I call, thanks to you guys having Caller ID, but you could at least do me the courtesy of answering the damn door!

Finally, the ex and the sprog pull up- they’d gone to the store, apparently. You never even bothered to let me know… no, that’s okay, I don’t mind standing on your doorstep for ten minutes or so, really.

Here’s a hint, asshole: it really bugs my kid that you hate me. He just wants us to all get along- he loves us all, and can’t figure out why you won’t even talk to me. And yeah, he’s aware- apparently, you’ve even told him you hate me! What’s up with that shit?

So, in closing:

Fuck you, you self-involved piece of shit-stained white trash. Yeah, I fucked her first- get the fuck over it. I certainly have. The kid’s the most important thing here, not your mysterious grudge against me. Hell, I figure it’s just a matter of time 'til the ex kicks your fat, ugly, lazy ass to the curb, anyway. At least I hope so- my son deserves a better stepfather.

2

I can speak from personal experience that it blows when in the course of relationships, someone comes to hate you irrationally without knowing you.

I can’t even imagine the pain and complication of having a kid in the middle, too.

Someday crazy husbands and exes will come to their senses… we hope :slight_smile:

3

Lightnin’, I was so ready to express my support and sympathy on this one, but then you had to go and diss the Vegas wedding scene. Totally unnecessary.

Seriously, a truly crappy situation. Too many people can’t get past the idea that their SO’s have a past, and hate for no good reason the people in the SO’s past.
On the plus side, it sounds like you have a good little sprog there. Congrats.

Sua

4

Is it possible that your ex has poisoned the well, so to speak? Has she given this guy horror stories about you?

Wouldn’t excuse his behavior, but it might explain it.

5

I can feel for you Lightning. I grew up in much the same way with a father who loved me and a step father who didn’t want me around. At the time, I felt my step father was a bad person but now that I’m an adult, I see what situation he was in. So much that I risk pissing you off with some observations. I am sorry if this will make you mad but feel I need to say something.

For example, you say: “You’re some kind of children’s counselor- so why the heck is KidLightnin’ doing so poorly in school?”

The stepfather may say: “He’s not my kid, he’s your kid. So, why is he doing so bad in school?”

You say: “Why’ve the two of you gotten into screaming matches? He’s a perfect gentleman over at my place- he does everything I ask him to do, and cheerfully so.”

SF say: “Because your kid doesn’t feel I’m his father, doesn’t act like I’m his father and has no respect for me. This irritates me and I don’t feel like putting up with his shit. If he’s such a gentleman over at your place, why doesn’t he live with you. I would be more than happy to oblige.”

You say: “How the hell can you hate me?”

SF say: “Because I have to live with, pay for and have more responsibilty for your son more than you do.”

You say: “You’re a counselor- why can I get him to behave, while you can’t? I’ve never had to even raise my voice to him- and the only time I’ve had to punish him was when I was maintaining the grounding the two of you have given him.”

SF say: “Because your kid is a brat that is disrespectful and will not acknowledge my authority since I’m not his father.” I find this unacceptable so that is why there is conflict."
You say: "he spends all the time inside playing computer games. The kid needs sunlight, fer chrissakes! "

SF say: “You’re the father, why don’t you take him out to air him out? What kind of kid is this of yours that spends all of his time inside?”
You say: “I’d like my son to never smoke- you’re sure as hell setting a good example, asshole”

SF say: “He’s your kid for pete’s sake. Why should I change my lifestyle to match what you think a dad should do? I’m my own person and will do what I damn well please.”

You say: “The kid’s the most important thing here”

SF say: “For you, not for me.”
I know this is harsh but is a bit hard for me to write but could be good. I gave my stepfather a hard time and he put up with alot of crap. He didn’t deserve it. I realize now that he really did alot for me. I just expected him to cheerfully sacrifice money and time for someone elses kid while I respected my dad and not him.

6

Sauron- I’m certain she has- when we got divorced, I found out many years later that she’d told our friends that I’d tried to rape her, that I’d tried to tie her to our bedpost…

Only thing is, we never HAD a bedpost. I just wish at least ONE of our friends had told me what she’d said. I always kinda wondered why all our friends went over to her side, and completely cut ties with me. sigh That was a rough year for me.

shrug I’m not saying I was blameless in our divorce- it was sort of a mutual self-destruction. But when I started dating Microbug, I told her that I wanted her to make up her own mind about the ex, that I didn’t want to influence her at all.

Microbug and I get along with the ex fairly well, now. We can all talk civilly, and she and my current wife get along fairly well. There’s no hate there, and I’m happy about that.

Anyway…

Hoffmanzz- I appreciate you playing devil’s advocate. My point is, though, that he married my ex- he knew, right from the start, that he’d be marrying into a family, and I’d like to think that if I was in his shoes, I would adopt the kid as much as the kid would allow me to. He spends more time with my son than I do. That’s the part that hurts the most.

I’ve offered to take custody. Microbug and I would love nothing more. Unfortunately, ExLightnin’ won’t even discuss the matter, which is a little confusing, seeing as how he’s at their house less than half the time. I’ve offered to babysit for those days that she or the bum aren’t there to watch him, but that’s been rebuffed, too. I want that responsibility, but they won’t let me have it.

I feel like I can’t win, so I don’t try- I don’t want to introduce more friction. I just try to remain available for my son, and hope that things change.

I, too, am a child of divorce. My stepfather is a kind, decent man, and I wish that he and my mother had stayed together. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father.

7

Well, was it around this period of time that she met him? Even if she has grown up and is civil with you now, I can see how it would be easier to let sleeping dogs lie that to out of hte blue mention that all those terrible things she said about you were, in fact, exaggerated.

I disagree with Sauron: if this is the case, it does justify his behavior. I mean, if I married someone and they told me that their Ex had tied them up and raped them I doubt I would ever be able to be civil to them, no matter how much time had past.

If this is the case then your Ex has shaped a terrrible terrible problem, and she is the only one who can fix it. Probably she never even thinks about it, but it is sitting there, festering.

P.S. Good marriges don’t have to have weddings at all.

8

It was quite a while after we got divorced, Manda JO, before she met the guy. And yeah, I can easily see how he doesn’t want to be friendly with somebody who supposedly tried to rape his wife.

Unfortunately for me, it’s all a lie- one which she has been unwilling to correct (if indeed she told him, and I have no way of knowing whether he did or not).

My point, though, is that even if he hates me, he shouldn’t let my son know that. What purpose is served by that? Hey, I hate the guy, too (well, I would hate him, if I felt anything for someone I’ve never met). But I ONLY have decent things to say about him- this board notwithstanding- in front of my kid.

And if you ask me, he’s being very immature about the whole situation. As I said, the ex and I get along fairly well, now. If someone had tried to rape you, could you ever speak civilly to that person again, no matter their relationship to you? If it bugs him so much, shouldn’t he wonder why the ex gets along with me now?

I’m sorry, but I can’t excuse this. Whatever his feelings towards me, that’s no fuckin’ excuse for making my son feel the way he does.

And the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. Just on her say-so, my reputation was slaughtered- so much that, eleven years later, I’m still feeling the effects. I didn’t do anything to deserve this, nor did my son.

9

Hello Lightning. I’m on the opposite side in that I’m a step father. I thought I knew what I was getting into but I had no true idea. After I knew, I wish I could have reversed the whole thing because I couldn’t/can’t be a good step father to my step son. Frankly, I can’t stand the kid. I tried for 5 years but finally just gave up to my disgust for him. He is now an adult and is becoming just like his father who is a welfare leech. This is a kid who told me that I don’t spend enough money on him while his father pays $80 ($80!!) a month for child support. This is a kid who told me that I’m not a man because I am respectful to my wife and work 50-55 hour weeks. This is a kid who dropped out of school and told me that he will not work and will let me support him until he is 18, will not help around the house and in fact will try to make it dirty/damaged then which he will move in with his dad and that he needs a new car and computer before then (if not I will be sorry). My wife overheard the last one and allowed her son to move in with his dad (over both of their objections). Of course, they wanted close to $1000 a month in child support but the judge said ‘no’.
This is what gets my goat here. We have a man that wants his kid and would love to have him live with him, a step father that would like it to (if he knew that you weren’t a rapist or something otherwise he might fight hard to keep the kid from you) and a mother that is not acting like she REALLY wants the kid. I’m not doubting her love but she had the first 11 years or so, can’t you have the rest? If the kid wants it and you want it, why the HELL not?! Shouldn’t that be enough? What age can a kid decide with whom to live anyway?

10

I am just playing devil’s advocate here, but perhaps he admires her fortitude for being able to face you for the good of you all’s child, but he can’t trust himself to follow her example. I have a friend who’s stepfather molested her, and my behavoir towards him sounds very much like your Ex-wife’s husband’s behavior toward you. It’s not my place to make a scene or anything, but I wouldn’t answer the door to him, or even relay a phone message. The thought of him abusing her just gets me that angry, even though it was years ago and it isn’t a topic of daily conversation or anything. And all this is just on her say-so. Of course, the guy may just be an asshole–there are plenty of those out there–but perhaps you should confront your ex-wife and try to discover if there is a reason he hates you, if it is possible to do so. (I myself admit I would find it almost impossible to ask someone “Did you tell Bob that I raped you?”)

11

Look… I’ve been there. (divorced with 2 kids and custody 30% of the time) Ex’s (and more often women than men or so it seems to me) will often demonize their ex’s unmercifully and without rational justification in order to justify themselves, their situation, their past behavior etc. to their new SOs and to the world at large. Not all ex’s do this but enough do that it can be a real problem.

Years ago I used to take divorced people (mostly women) I talked to re their breakups at their word as to the circumstances of their divorces and how horrible their ex’s were until, through socializing and other contacts, I found that a good deal of what I was being told was in fact either self aggrandizing fibs or a grossly slanted exaggeration of the circumstances in order to make themselves look like the injured party. I occasionally had men pull this same stunt but much less often than with women.

If all this step-dad knows of you is what your ex has told him, and he believes her, there is not much you can do other than be polite. Attempts to “make him understand” will be met with hostility and will be fruitless. Have the best relationship you can with your kids and be satisfied with that.

My kids talk to me about their mother’s rants about me, but they know me and who I am and see how I try to be honorable and reasonable and from this perspective are beginning to see their mother as an irrational, nutcase and are gradually pulling away from her. As they do this she has begun to threaten dire consequences for my 14 year old if she even thinks about staying with me outside the visitation guidelines (which she has the power to do at 14).

Just suck it up and do the best you can.

12

That’s a bad position, man. I don’t want to offend, but it sounds like your son has a much bigger issue with SF than you do. Obviously, I don’t know the kid beyond what you’ve said here: that he gets in a lot of fights with the guy, and that he told you his SF hates you. Maybe he feels like he needs an ally against his stepdad, and is trying to make sure you stay on his side? IANA psychiatrist, just a thought.

At any rate, you seem to be handling a very difficult situation like a gentleman. Good luck.

13

This makes me feel lucky that I get along with all my wife’s exes. In fact, the father of her kid recently told hmy wife that he wished his girlfriend could be more like me and try to act like a parent for her. That gives me the warm fuzzies, I guess I’m doing somethign right.