What if he is mildly autistic and can’t help it?
Then he should probably go see a doctor.
I’m not sure that autism/Asperger’s is an excuse for being a misogynist though. It could explain his odd concerns about the logistics of two people sleeping in a bed together, but probably not his belief that he knows better than women do what would be good for them.
Don’t people with Asperger’s tend to realize that they don’t understand normal social interactions very well, rather than thinking the problem lies with everyone else?
This is probably reasonable advice.
The problem with this thread is that a lot of people are just making up stuff and coming to conclusions based on nothing. The suggestion that I am a misogynist is ridiculous. I just happen to have testicles unlike what this forum apparently wants men to do with theirs which is cut them off a put them in a jar labelled “feminist enigma” and continue as though testicles are nothing more than an anomalous blight from the 1800’s.
We’re not coming to conclusions based on nothing - we’re basing them on your own words, which have already been repeated back to you a number of times in this thread.
As far as the whole putting testicles in a jar labeled “Feminist enigma”, that was just incoherent. Clarity helps if you’re trying to offend people.
You mean all those people who have happy relationships of their own and tried to help you? Yeah, fuck those people.
One might be tempted to note that the men you think of as neutered have regular sex with willing, even enthusiastic women, whereas other people in this thread don’t. Figuring out who’s who is left as an exercise for the reader.
I’m offended, but mostly at his poor logic and his inability to write simple coherent declarative sentences. The rest is ennui.
Dude, you’re not looking for a girlfriend. You want a concubine. That’s fine if you can find a willing concubine, but just admit it to yourself and move on with your life.
I just spent a long time reading this entire thread, in the hopes that it would be helpful to me. I identified (to an extent) with the headline. As it happens, it’s not very helpful (for the most part), and I’m actually surprised that it’s gone on this long, inasmuch as the OP seems deranged.
I’m requesting permission for a semi-hijack.
Please do. You’re sure to be less aggravating.
Probably not. Listen to that dude explain it.
Granted!
I’m pretty sure at this point that the OP is trolling - he’s contradicted himself several times now.
I’m 31 and have essentially never had a girlfriend. I’ve had a pair of relationships that were very intimate (the first in the summer of 2002, and the second about a decade later), but we weren’t technically “dating.” I’m close friends with both women, and they recently met one another, but that’s another story. I also dated someone for a few weeks in 2000, and someone else for a couple of months in the winter of 2000-2001, but although we used the bf/gf labels, I don’t think those should count.
I can actually understand what went wrong, in the early years. I desperately wanted to be asexual. I’m a contrarian, often for its own sake, and I had decided I wanted to be one of those icy characters who doesn’t need all that sappy mushy emotional stuff. When, a few years after most of my peers, I realized that I was indeed heterosexual, I began to suffer from the dysthymia (chronic mild depression) that took away much of my youth. The two are probably connected, but I can’t be sure.
Some depressed people want to hurt themselves with substances or sharp objects. I decided to make myself hopeless in love. There were girls I knew might have been good for me, but instead I consciously developed frightful obsessions with a few (one in particular) who were utterly incompatible with me, and uninterested to boot. I concealed most of this from my parents, so I can’t blame them for not telling me to snap out of it. I was also too depressed to understand that I ought to dial back the eccentric behavior if I wanted a significant other (and/or many friends!) I lost whole school years to this madness.
I’m amazed that I survived high school and college due to the aforementioned depression that saw me become suicidal on a few occasions, and partially lose touch with reality and engage in some bizarre behavior on others. I graduated and went home, still depressed and underemployed, and spent a lot of time for about five years alone reading, going to concerts, and watching movies.
All things considered, I completely understand why I had almost no success in all that time. I have more details, but I’ll save them for now. Anyway, eventually I went to grad school in another city. I gradually became much less depressed, though I am once again in therapy, and recently (and for the first time) began taking antidepressant medication. I feel better, look better, act better, and in general I am much better, and yet I still (for the most part) cannot get a date. I guess I can understand why I had some difficulties, since I was adjusting to my new life and becoming un-depressed at the same time I was surrounded by brilliant, beautiful graduate school classmates.
Even so, I am not (and have never been) shy. Friends (I have problems there too, but I have some friends) say that there’s nothing wrong with me. I tried using OKCupid for a while, but got almost no responses and even fewer dates. I try to leave my house and do things I enjoy, but I don’t really enjoy much. Attempting to pick up women within activist circles is disgraceful, and causes serious problems. Despite all that, meeting women is not terribly difficult. The problem is, when I try to get close to them/communicate interest/ask them out, they reject me, with near-100% reliability.
There’s more, but I’m really drowsy.
I think it is a well known fact that there are a lot of internet stereotypes which have nothing to do with the real world, the kind of crap you read in gossip magazines.
Let me make on very simple thing clear. Women are people. They’re not some mystical being that can tell your inner most person and determine just by your “vibe” if you are a misogynist or not. If that were the case why are so many women in relationships with assholes who beat them up and abuse them ? The idea that women can tell if you are a good person or not is truly laughable.
Women are people and as a result if you are hot, they will want to date you. At this point in time society really does enable women. It will be accepted that they’re above all of that and are somehow something special. They’re not, they’re just animals, just like men.
What women do, because societies basically enables every single thing they do is fit what they find attractive into their own little view of what makes them perfect and pure.
For example she will say she doesn’t “love” him because he is the best available provider that was attracted to her, she loves him because of his “personality” and more often than not when he is actually hot she will deny that could possible be the reason they’re dating. I mean how shallow and against “pure” and mother earth view of women would it be if a woman admitted to dating a man because he was the best she could find, she wasn’t attracted to him at all, but married him because he was a good provider who’d look after the kids. Doesn’t fit in with what you read in womans magazines or the weekly feminist column about home women are having sex with men.
You see I have a very realistic view of women so if you are able to provide me with advice based around those assumptions then I’d be happy to hear it but I suspect some posters are so thoroughly enthralled in their own little delusions that they will be of no assistance to me at all.
For your sake, I’m going to put aside the little “delusion” I have of my actual happy life with a beautiful woman and lots of sex. Instead I’ll assume your worldview is accurate even though nobody has ever had sex with you unless you paid them.
Given everything you say is realistic and women are going to be
[QUOTE=Mrmanface]
dating a man because he was the best she could find, she wasn’t attracted to him at all, but married him because he was a good provider
[/QUOTE]
You should 1) never consider asking out a woman with a career or education, since she won’t need you as a provider. This will cut out a really huge portion of young women, but there are always going to be poor women without the means of supporting themselves. These are the only women you should pursue.
- Every day ask out one of these careerless women. But each day, ask out an uglier less desirable one. They’re not going to decide to date you based on whether you’re charming or enjoyable to be with, they’re just going to calculatingly evaluate whether they can land a man better looking than you. Logically we can infer that the reason nobody has ever wanted to date you is because you haven’t been asking out ugly enough women yet.
So what you need to do is work your way down. How far down is anyone’s guess since you won’t post a picture. But logically if you ask an ugly enough woman she’ll be grateful to finally have a man.
If this doesn’t work, I’m not sure what else you could even try. Cosmetic surgery maybe?
I can understand the self-sabotaging behavior. It’s (in a very broad sense) a “fear of success” sort of thing, where you worry that even with evidence to the contrary, you can’t possibly live up to the challenges this situation presents, and so you sabotage your own chances so that you never have to deal with it.
Part of your problem is probably that you’re still getting used to “dating behavior” when many people your age had been doing this kind of thing for well over a decade. So you almost certainly still have some awkwardness around it, even if you’re not shy.
Another is that the vast majority of people have a high strike-out rate on either in-person or online dating. It’s hard to find someone you think you may click with, and for online dating - I’ve never done it, but women friends who have say that they get so many messages from men who are just scatter-shot messaging anyone who is simply female that they have to pick and choose very carefully, or ignore all the inbox messages and go out and pick guys on the site that they send messages to. So it might seem like it’s hopeless when really it’s normal.
I like the comparison to baseball that I saw one male writer (sorry, don’t remember where I read this) come up with - you don’t expect to be good at baseball your first time at bat. You don’t expect to hit a home run within the first couple times you bat. So you will strike out a whole lot, but if you don’t keep stepping up to the plate, you’ll never hit the home run. Treat dating attempts as batting/dating practice (rather than “oh my god, I have to get a home run now”) and you’ll come off as more naturally relaxed and genuine.
If it’s that taboo (is it? or are you projecting that? how do activists ever find someone compatible) to date within activist circles, you may want to take up an outside hobby that you enjoy. Attend a Meetup, a cooking class, go hiking, whatever floats your boat.
I don’t know why you people keep posting in a gloating fashion about sex, do you really think I am basing my entire life upon a few fleeting moments of pleasure caused by friction between two sets of genitals ? If I could do without sex I’d probably be happy to see it gone. Such a wasteful expensive, time consuming mess.
You do your thing thing for a little while and then it is over, there is really nothing to it. I don’t know what the fuss is all about. Sure, you get a bit of a chemical release and possibly feel less angry or uptight for a few days/hours after but overall I don’t see why sex with one woman is different to sex with another, they’re all basically the same.
So I can assure you that you’re not making me jealous at all and my desire for a girlfriend far transcends the desire for a sex. Although obviously sex is a primary function in a relationship so sex would be important but for different reasons that the one you’re implying.
Now assuming you weren’t trying to be mean let me have a look at your advice.
I don’t know what the girl having a career or not has got to do with it. I assume that if a woman has enough money she would still be looking for the best possible mate she can find. Some women want to find a “provider” which just means they look for a man with a better career than what they have. So I think that it is still possible to attract a provider. The problem is that I am a humble person, so I don’t splash around my money too much. I am buying a new car soon, do you think I should mention my new car to women ?
I am not sure about asking out a different woman everyday. My ego is already at the non-existent level due to years of consistent rejection so I don’t know how much more rejection I could take and I don’t think I know enough women to do that. This approach might just end up getting me arrested or kicked off or banned from the bus.
So you think the main (only?) thing women are looking for in a mate is a provider. It’s not true, and it contradicts your earlier statement that women are just people with individual wants and needs, but let’s let that go for a bit. You also said that sex isn’t really a big driver for you - that’s not why you want a girlfriend.
So, why exactly *do *you want a girlfriend? Be specific. Because everything you’ve written so far would make it seem like you’d be better off without a GF.
We’re not trying to be mean when we talk about our successful romantic lives- we’re trying to show you that you’re wrong in your attitude towards dating and women… and moreover, of course you’re wrong about this (if your goal is to actually have romantic success)- because you’ve failed at a romantic life so far. We’ve succeeded. There’s not just one path- I’m sure many of us that have happy relationships have gotten here in many different ways. But one thing that’s pretty clear- your way has been failing you.
Sure, some women will only date “hot” guys, but there are tons that will give any clean, nice, and non-deformed guy a chance- even guys that aren’t rich. When you describe women, you’re leaving out tons of attractive and decent women that you’d have a chance with if you had the right attitude.
Why would you put so much trust in your own attitudes and conclusions when they’ve clearly failed you in your life so far? You lose nothing by assuming that those of us who have succeeded might actually know a bit more about this stuff than you.
Try posting some online ads- like a free one on Craigslist. Put in your subject line “M/30, [city], looking to meet someone”, and just list a bunch of facts about yourself in the description… something like “I’m pretty shy”, “I have a stable job and tend to save most of my money”, “I’m [height/weight], pretty strong but I’m trying to lose a few pounds”, “I like to watch X movies and read X books”, “I like to stay home and relax most of the time, but occasionally I like to go out”, or whatever is accurate for you. You’ll get some responses. Be honest, and send a real picture of yourself when asked- that way, if they’re not interested, you’ll no pretty quick and can move on.
You hide your deflated ego well.
It’s not really about sex - I keep bringing up that everyone in this thread is more successful at relationships than you, just in case it sinks in that everything you think is wrong. I can stop mentioning sex. My girlfriend often bakes me delicious treats, which I also love. It makes me feel loved when she does kind things for me.
Earlier in the thread you mentioned these uppity overweight women who aren’t even good looking and how outrageous you find it that they reject you. Those women probably have their own careers and their own money, so whether you splash it around or not, they won’t care that you have money.
Destitute women, on the other hand, will be very VERY excited about your new car. Like you said, it all comes down to looks though. That is why I recommended asking out uglier and uglier women until you find one who realizes she can’t do better.
I think by combining poverty with unattractiveness, you’ll be able to find a girlfriend without adjusting your reality to match the little shared delusion everyone with a successful relationship has.
Yeah, I’ve also thought about how I’m years behind my peers in some ways, and I’m trying to catch up.
To elaborate on the activist setting: People do find one another there, and perhaps it happens often, but there’s also an embarrassing and shameful trend of large numbers of horny men getting very excited to suddenly be in the same setting with lots of like-minded women, and aggressively/awkwardly/desperately propositioning/soliciting almost every woman around. They ruin it for the rest of us.
I actually have a couple of outside hobbies, cycling and music, and a few others. I do find myself wondering how much I really enjoy them, or anything. I signed up for some Meetups, but I can’t keep up with them, and I often lack the time/transportation/funds/inclination to attend. Seeing all those emails in my inbox makes me worry that I’m missing the opportunity to find the wonderful people who might be there waiting for me. In general, I feel like I should stop being scatter-shot, and instead use triage to make the most efficient use of my resources.
Honestly, OurLordPeace, your situation seems like one that will be resolved just fine. You have challenges, but so does everyone, and you have strong points too (education, self-awareness, friends, some dating experience). I doubt you’ll ever date around a lot, but dating around a lot is not always the best strategy in finding someone. I’ve dated a lot and I bet you’ll settle down before I will (we’re the same age, and I also have always dealt with depression) because I’m a weirdo in a different way and I don’t know if I even want to (but I kind of wish I did want to).