Never smell the inside of a hat.
The deer doesn’t have to run faster than the wolves, just faster than the slowest deer.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.
Never argue with an idiot; onlookers can’t tell the difference.
You’ll miss some amazing times if you follow this advice in bed…
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -Al Capone-
That’s some great advice… better advice.
Why, that advice is like an Amish Girlfriend… it doesn’t suck.
Hard work may oneday payoff. Lazy pays off now.
While it might seem like a good idea in a pinch, the erect male member should never be used as a perch.
Life is a shit sandwich. The more bread you got the less shit you have to eat.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm every time.
My favorite de-motivator: When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become a deadly projectile.
Don’t take any advice including this.
Never go into a brightly-lit room with a magnifying mirror and tweezers.
No matter how dysfunctional someone’s behavior is, if it works, they’re not likely to change it.
And don’t start me on aphorisms again. 
Whenever someone suggests fighting fire with fire, remind him that fire is actually fought with water.
Never jump on a man, unless he is down
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation
Never wipe your arse with a broken bottle
The mark of a good manager is that when your back is against the wall, he’s right there behind you.
Never, for effect, pull a gun on a small child. He won’t get it.
(thank you, Fran Lebowitz)
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?