Never thought I'd say this: I'm lonely

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I think we all like to think of ourselves as rugged individualists, strong and able to cope with anything that comes up, with no real need for other people. I know I certainly have thought this in the past. Now, well, I’d never thought I would hear myself say this, but I am so lonely. How is this, you may ask? (or not)

So I am at my first semester of college, and not in the town I grew up in. Ah, you might say, Freshmenitis! I wish it were that simple.

I am 28, and next sememster I will have the credits necessary to be a Junior. At J-school, it was pretty much full of older(ish) people. My age, older, a little younger. There was common ground. Here? Not so much. All 18-20 year olds. Most of the people I interact with can’t even go to a bar! Usually they find out how old I am (I look about 24, what EVERYBODY tells me anyhow), and conversations tends to drop.

I figured I was too old for dorm rooms, which was probably a good idea considering, but the majority of people I interact with lives on campus or slightly off campus in a fraternity or sorority house. I dont’ have the cajones yet to go to bars myself, and to be honest, I don’t drink a lot and my coarseload is light, but all science/math. (Chem 1330, Intro Biochem and Calculus I) I am not brilliant like many of the people on this messageboard, so I typically have my study hours scheduled at about 45 hours a week (ya, I know, wierd that some people don’t grasp things instantly). I go to Film club on Thursdays (nobody talks to me there) and the lab I have a work study at three days a week has some pretty cool guys, though it is too early to tell how that will work. (I have never had friends from work, I have a habit of distancing them… I hope this doesn’t work to my disadvantage)

Gas is too expensive to drive home every weekend, and my roommates don’t seem to care much for me at the moment. Too cool for my type is my guess.

All this sounds like I’m whining, and normally I would be like who cares, I don’t need other peoples opinions, I don’t care if people don’t talk to me, who cares if 1 out of 10 people on campus refuse to meet eye contact, and half of those that do, give me a dirty look. Normally I am strong, independent, rugged, ya know? Marlboro man without the cigarettes! What has happened? I don’t know, strange town, strange people? Anybody have any ideas?

Is this normal!!??

(I’m a freak aren’t I?)

2

I’d say new town, new setting is the problem. I went through something similar when I moved to Columbus. My roommate was nice enough (I knew her from my old university), but we didn’t have all that much in common. Eventually, I found people that were more like me and then I was fine. As people graduated and moved from Columbus (and I didn’t), I went through this on a smaller scale again, but always managed to find additional people to hang out with. A few years ago, when my long-time roommate left Columbus and I found that most of my other friends were from work (and weren’t really people I did anything after work with), I started volunteering more. Don’t know if there are any volunteer opportunities where you are, maybe someplace where you could just work a couple hours a week or month around your class and study schedule. Are there any graduate programs at your school? Maybe there are lectures or discussions you could attend? Are there other clubs or groups that might have the type of people you’d like to hang with?

I’m guessing this will sort itself out on its own, but it helps to get out some. Also, you mention that no one talks to you at Film Club. Do you try to talk to them? Sometimes people don’t realize they’re excluding someone new. I always feel kind of dorky striking up conversations or jumping into them, but you won’t know if it works until you try it.

Good luck!

GT

3

Is this normal!!??

(I’m a freak aren’t I?)
[/QUOTE]

You make freak sound like a bad thing…

Yes, it’s normal. No, you’re (probably) not a freak. More likely an introvert who doesn’t require much social contact. If you can cobble together a study group or something like that you could kill two birds with one stone - study and having some social interaction at the same time. If not, consider joining an on campus group. Volunteers putting stuff togethr for Katrina are everywhere - why not call the local Red Cross etc.

Other ways to meet folks - join an interest club, folk dance, church, etc. etc.

4

I think it’s very normal. As the old saying goes, “No man is an island.”

I’ve always been a loner. Have never had more than a small circle of friends, and even those I drift away from before very long. I’ve never had a very close friend that I confide in (other than an occasional girlfriend who can put up with me for more than a few weeks… and you can see the problems inherent in a relationship like that, I’m sure).

It was partly because of my loner-ishness that I started long haul truck driving, and let me tell you, for someone who isn’t outgoing and willing to just talk to anyone and everyone they meet, that is a lonely existence. At one point I was tracking down people I hadn’t talked to in ten years just to call them and chat. The loneliness is a big part of why I got out of that particular career.

Shortly afterward, I started taking some classes at the local community college and was in a similar boat as you. My course-load was light as I had to balance it with a full-time job (which almost immediately set me apart from everyone else), and I was about ten years older than everyone else in my entry-level classes. So, not only did I not have the same stresses as my co-students, I was also coming from a completely different world of experience… and I was one of the few people there who attended because I was actually interested in the subject and so set myself apart as a nerd of sorts.

My only advice to you is to get over your self-defense of distancing yourself. You’re right that you’re probably not going to have much in common with 9 out of 10 people you meet (and probably higher), but one can’t wait around for things to fall into their lap or they’ll forever be alone. Get out there and take a chance.

Rather than distancing yourself from your co-workers, make a conscientious effort to be more outgoing. There may be one or two worth getting to know outside of work… you already have some common ground to start with. A lot of places have employees who bowl together or shoot pool, maybe even in a league. It may not be your cup of tea exactly, but making the effort and getting out might put you in a better position to actually meet someone you’re comfortable with. Most of the friends I’ve had were friends-of-acquaintances.

Engage people at your Film Club in conversation. Again, there is some common ground there, so it’s possible that you might meet someone there you get along well with. If no one wants to talk to you or there isn’t anyone you’d get on with, you haven’t lost anything for trying.

It’s taken me 30 years to overcome my shyness and standoffishness to actually talk to people, and it’s an ongoing learning experience. I think that the hardest part is overcoming a fear of personal rejection by accepting that just because someone doesn’t want to talk to you or hang out with you doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.

So, in summary: don’t sit around waiting, get out there and make something happen! :slight_smile:

5

No way are you a freak. Your reaction is perfectly normal. I would worry about you if you didn’t feel a bit lonely.

Sigh . . . It’s always difficult to be uprooted into a location and situation that are totally unfamiliar, especially if you have outside stressors (calc, chem, etc.).

My advice? I second giving the guys at school and work a few more chances. Also, is your campus located out in the middle of nowhere or in a big city? Try getting off campus when you can, just to get away from the goldfish bowl for a while.

Also, take a dance class, if you can afford it. This step has worked for a lot of my formerly shy lonely friends. When you take a dance class, you put yourself into a group of friendly, outgoing people who share at least one goal with you (learning how not to look like a total wanker on the dance floor). Plus, that’s one piece of knowledge that will come in handy when you want to get to know people.

Best of luck, Epimethus! Let us know how it works out in college.

6

My first year in a new college, I ate by myself in a restaurant across the street. I was just that shy. The next year I hung out in the student center and the cafeteria and made lots of friends. I don’t even remember what made the difference. Effort, mostly, I think. And not making assumptions about what other people were thinking about me.

You sound like the kind of guy that I always wanted to come over to the table and find some excuse to talk to me.

I found out that most people thought I was stuck up the first year. What a waste of time!

7

You guys give me hope, thanks!

I know this sounds nerdy, but I am going to attend the Biochemistry club meetings, which don’t start until the 19th of this month. I hope to learn more about internships and undergraduate fellowships as much as possible (Biochem is my major btw, not sure if I mentioned that). I also thought of getting in on a health and fitness club here, but I missed the first meeting so I hope to get an email about the next one. I go to the gym, but there it is an even bigger Faux pas to make eye contact.

As for the lectures, there are quite a few seminars and such on campus, not sure if it is open house or not, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to go. I don’t know if I can attend and graduate programs, because I am still and undergrad.

I haven’t really had a chance yet. One meeting I had to be somewhere so I slipped out after the movie, the second I stayed for the discussion, and they were going to meet somewhere else for dinner, but I skipped out on that. (too much homework) I will try to make the next dinner.

Thanks for the encouraging words!

I don’t mean it that way, as in freakish, not normal. I guess normal really doesn’t exist, so I guess it is just one of those nonsencial statments most people say but don’t mean. Sometimes being quite a bit different is fun. This certainly isn’t one of em.

You sound quite a bit like me, or I sound like you… one of the two. :slight_smile: I almost thought about taking up trucking, and to be completely honest, the only reason I didn’t was the odd hours, I wanted to be able to go to the gym regularly. I know, wierd reason. I can see where that lack of outgoing behavior would drag on a person like me.

Its good to hear this. Thanks.

Sort of. Columbia, Mo has a population of about 85k. Its not small, but it wouldn’t be big if there wasn’t a college here. I have wanted to take a dance class. My friends have always given me a hard time about it, but I tell em its a good place to meet women… Or so it would seem. Anyhow, I might look into that, there is a Latin Dance club here on campus, but I don’t know if they only take members that already know how to dance or just have an interest. I could always write them an email, and I have seen dance studios here that offer lessons. Thanks for the advice and kind words!

Well I am sorry that I wasn’t in college when you were! I suppose I missed you by a year or two? I wonder if people think I am stuck up too? It is an interesting thought. I guess I will have to find an excuse or two somewhere around here. :slight_smile:

8

Hmmmm, let’s see . . . Latin dancing, going to the gym and keeping yourself in shape, a reasonably nice personality (going by what I’ve seen here), respecting other people’s boundaries (especially women’s), a good work ethic, the fact that you’re older than your classmates (and probably more mature as a result) and yet you look about their age, going out there and making the effort to meet people and find friends . . .

You know, Epimethus, somehow I see your lonliness as temporary. Don’t worry too much about finding friends and significant others; if you keep up the good work, I rather suspect they’ll find you. :slight_smile:

9

One thing you’ll discover is that a university is large enough to cover just about everyone, and that eventually you’ll find a niche somewhere in there.

A couple points:
First of all, it’s just going to be harder to meet people as a commuter; that’s sadly a fact of life. Dorms, being so communal, naturally provide a little bit of community and people that are in the same boat. But not all is lost; your school should have a commuter/non-res association of some kind…that’s always a good place to meet others who may well be in the situation you’re in.

Secondly, college is just a huge culture shock, even from a transition from juco. It’s being tossed as the small fish into the huge damn pond, and it’s a bit scary at times. You’ll also run into natural emotional ups and downs throughout the course of the semester; right now is probably a bit of a down after the new and exciting thrill of starting at college for the very first time. I can promise you that it’ll get better. Things will come and go, and eventually you’ll integrate into the campus community and the highs will still be highs, but the lows will mellow out quite a bit.

I’d personally talk to your family about a care package and having them sent on a regular basis (or maybe we can get a Doper care package sent out). Believe me, a dozen homebaked cookies or a picture from home can make you not feel so lonely.