I am a second year student in uni and I need advice on becoming more social. Normally, I’m pretty quiet and introverted and not that outgoing tbh. So far, I have like 3 friends at Uni and they are part of a larger social group which I am not, and they tend to hang out and do things together. I don’t want to spend my time alone or aloof, but maybe I guess I feel somewhat intimidated by the fact that they have their own group and I don’t. I want to be more social but I don’t want to force myself or shoehorn myself into a group they already have. So what’s the best way to become more social? I have joined a fencing club and had dinner with some people a while back, but haven’t expanded on it yet for example. Whenever I see acquintances, I can’t get up the courage to start a small convo, I start feeling kind of anxious. What’s wrong with me?
Some questions for you before I hand out any advice;
Why do you want to “be more social” and expand you’re group of associates?
If you are looking to join a group, why would you feel like you’re shoe-horning yourself in? Do you not share any or many interests with this larger group?
You say you feel anxious about starting conversations with aquaintances, how do you feel at the end of any event that has you in close proximity to large groups where you have to interact with many people? Do you feel drained of energy, emotionally wore out, over stimulated?
Do you feel lonely a lot of the time?
I’m an introvert by nature, but my job requires extrovertion. I’m bone weary at the end of the day. When I was in my “socializing phase” I found a group that had the same interests as me, and just hung out, not really interacting much, for a while. Once I’d warmed up to the people, and they had gotten used to me, then I’d open up a bit more. But in situations like this, it really helps to truly KNOW what it is you want and what kind of person you are.
I’m guessing there’s nothing wrong with you. Many people have a hard time feeling comfortable making small talk or trying to connect with new people. And it can be hard in an atmosphere like college where there’s pressure to succeed socially and make all kinds of friends. Are you happy being on your own or do you truly want to connect with more people?
You mentioned that you joined a fencing club. That’s a great start. I’d say look for another student activity group that interests you. Being involved in a group activity allows you to interact with people and already have a common context to communicate within, without having to make up conversation out of thin air. If it’s something everyone is excited about, it makes it automatically a more positive atmosphere because people want to have a positive experience.
And the clue when talking to acquaintances is to listen and ask questions about them. If you are truly interested in making friends a big part of that is being thoughtful in remembering things about them and being truly interested in how they are. And someone with a listening ear is known as a great conversationalist. 
ETA echoing what guestchaz said, some people are introverted and happier on their own, and THAT’S OK. It does not mean there’s anything wrong with you. My ideas relate to wanting to get out there, but if you are happy on your own, don’t make yourself miserable trying to do what you think you should be doing, or what you think others think you should be doing. If you are comfortable on your own, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever strike up a friendship with someone naturally and not trying to force it.
Third this. I know it’s a cliche, but if you ask questions and actually pay attention to the responses, you’re already better at socializing than most people, especially young people. You don’t need to be confident, you don’t need to be funny (those things can come later).
Absolutely true.
However, assuming the OP is young, I would suggest that (s)he try first to be more social. It’s too easy to label yourself as introverted and then self-limit yourself and your options.
Being social is a learned skill IMO / IME. It’s easy to feel as if socializing is easy for everyone else but it’s not true.
Check your school’s PhysEd Department. Somewhere on campus they are probably holding classes in ballroom dancing, tai chi, fencing, bowling and a ton of other activities that are done in groups. Great way to break the ice with a fresh group of people.
Yes, anything where you are engaged in a common activity but don’t have to sit looking at one another and struggling to chat! The activity will give you enough of a starting place in common to form a basis for interacting when there are social times related to the group. I’m terrible making friends but still have a couple 20 years after being in a volunteer group with them. Working together on projects creates a bond and common ground.
Random thought which will seem kind of fake, but can help you. Think about your resting face and how you look from outside. I moved here from the city where everyone was anonymous and it didn’t matter. But now I will run into a lot of the same people and had to change my bitch resting face to one that seems more open and friendly. Folks respond to that because we naturally tend to ape one another, and they will feel that you’re a positive person. True, many kids are going to be buried in their phones walking across campus anyway, but some will notice and you will leave a favorable impression.
Or, if something athletic / physical isn’t something you’re comfortable with, your school may well have other sorts of organized social groups (board game groups, book clubs, etc.) As gigi notes, the idea behind any of those would be to give you something specific to participate in with your fellow students.
Personally, I’d suggest something like board games clubs or more sedentary interest groups, they often seem to attract a higher proportion of people who are basically there to socialise, whereas sports clubs can tend towards the competitive. It can vary a lot, some are more social than others, but some in sports clubs, if you’re not great at the sport you can get sidelined, and members really are there to just do the sport, they’re not bothered about having a chat afterwards.
With something like a board games group, I’ve never been to one where members didn’t welcome new people. You can’t play most games without talking, you certainly can’t learn new games without talking, and once you’re talking about the game, it’s easier to segue into ‘normal’ conversation.
Plus, and hey, I am one, I can say it, there’s often a few socially awkward people there, so you don’t stand out.
I want to branch out as I’m feeling bored and lonely by myself honestly. I don’t get why whenever I see people I know, I just feel too anxious to start up a small convo or something.
As everyone else has said, socializing, being sociable, is a learned skill. I think gigi said it best. For me, I learned it on the job as a cashier and short order cook in a small neighborhood restaurant. By the time I left that job, I knew several of my regulars, was on a first name basis, knew their kids, birthdays, anniversaries, things like that, and they knew a little bit about me. Heck, one old guy even invited me to his house about every other week so he could cook dinner for me. I’d made a friend! But that was a small group of people, not all at once (most days) and, here’s part of the secret, together, we had something that partly distracted us as well as bringing us together, taking their order and preparing their food for them and then delivering it to their table. It kept the focus of the conversation from becoming to personal to soon, gave us both a bit of space within the confines of the exchange with a viable and reasonable way out if we wanted.
Filbert also made a really good suggestion. Something that brings you together and encourages conversation, but doesn’t force it and if little talking happens during the activity, that’s reasonable too.
Oh, also, try being a regular someplace. By that I mean, go to a restaurant that has a counter up by the kitchen to sit at, and sit there. Eat a piece of pie and have a coffee or whatever once a week or some regular interval. The server will notice and start to treat you differently, have small conversations with you etc. Truck stops are great for this.
I’ll also note that, part of the reason that I suggested gaming was that, when I started college (in 1983), I found myself feeling very lonely, and felt like I didn’t know anyone. I was (and still am) a D&D player, and I put up an ad on the bulletin board at my dorm, looking for players. I got a couple of nibbles from that ad, and the core of a group came out of it.
We picked up a few more people along the way, mostly through random meetings (for example, one of our players saw someone on the dorm elevator, carrying a D&D book, and struck up a conversation). The group became much more than just a gaming group; it was also a circle of close friends.
35 years later, most of us are still in touch with each other. Two members of the group wound up getting married, and we still consider each other among our closest friends.
Last year, these people reached out to me and tried, but I wasn’t social as I had a lot on my mind and as a result, maybe they think I’m not interested,which isn’t true, but if I see them, I feel anxious to start a convo. What can I do or is it too late?
well, a lot of the advice so far amounts to “join a group with a specific theme or activity”, so I guess the question is, “is this group that reached out to you last year a themed group?”
Do they have something that is the specific focus of the group, like acting, or dancing or gaming or whatever? If so then no, it’s not too late, you can start a conversation around that topic and go from there. Is it just a group of friends who gather because they like each other and don’t really have a specific purpose other than to just hang out? Then I’d say start with the person who specifically invited you in the first place.
Eh, they vary, though a lot of them like anime like me. Let me elaborate:
last year, I made a friend on the dorm who I saw regularly. This year, we live off campus, so I haven’t been able to see him as much(last semester, we only hung out once and I understand he has his own group of friends) but nonetheless, I want to invest in this friendship. What are some things I can do to do so? I’m kinda hesitant too as I feel like I might annoy him by asking or he might think I’m too needy on him or something.
Also, how do I do small talk with people I see and not make awkward silence.
I sympathize – I have a hard time making small talk because I feel like anything I say is going to be dumb or boring. That’s OK. It’s more about your body language and that you are interested in pursuing the conversation and are interested in what the other person is saying as well. No one is as worried about what you’re saying as you are, and no one is taking is as seriously as you are. They have themselves to worry about. Just be interested and be casual. Say some positive things, or joke about things or about yourself. Make statements positive and open-ended so they feel welcomed to respond.
I know all of this is easier said than done. And it is easier if you have a common experience to start from, hence the advice to look into joining a club.
How can I show more investment with these people?
What is the culture like at your school? Do people check in via text, Facebook, some other social media?
Yeah, like on Facebook. Like most.
I’m just feeling down latetly as I’m so bored and seeing everyone else have the time of their lives is disheartening. I don’t want to be alone for UNI and it’s already 2nd semester of second year. I fear I might waste my uni experience.
So, talk to this person about anime.
It seems to me that we’ve reached the point of diminishing returns for this thread.
Basically, you need to just get out there, look for a club, heck go to a mixer, or just hang out at a café or restaurant and talk to the server when they’re not busy.
As the Nike ad used to say, “Just Do It”.
So I should just ask them if they want to hang even if I’m afraid they’ll say no?