New boyfriend is a little too philosophical

So, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 months, but we have been friends for a few months before that. This is my first relationship.

Our relationship moved really quickly. I quickly started staying over at his house pretty much every night, etc. In the beginning, I was mostly in it for sex. I didn’t really care if it turned into a real relationship or not. To be honest, I wasn’t that infatuated with him. I thought he was attractive but I didn’t know enough about him to get the puppy love feelings going. But lately (okay, like in the past week) I’ve been really liking him. I decided that I would put more effort into the relationship and figuring out where we stand.

Specifically, he normally calls me his “friend”, which puzzled me. So I asked him if we were bf/gf or friends in his opinion. He is not a native English speaker, so he didn’t quite get what I was asking. But eventually I got out of him that he sees us as bf/gf, which was what I was wondering. He also added that he wants to be a good boyfriend to me for as long as our relationship lasts.

I found that an odd thing to say and asked for clarification. He said that in all likelihood we would break up in the future. I said, okay, again, that is a weird thing to say. He said, “In the US, are boyfriend/girlfriend relationships expected to last forever?” He also pointed out that in the future, things may change, and we may need to go our separate ways. I said that he was right, they don’t typically last forever, but that people didn’t really typically acknowledge that fact out loud. He said that he was sorry if he said anything strange and that he just wanted to make sure I understood his true feelings since I asked about our relationship. He said that he looks forward to seeing me on Friday and has acted normal ever since.

Well, I don’t know what to make of this. I mean, sure, I agree. It is very probable that we won’t end up getting married and staying together Forever and Ever. I barely know the guy at this point. But isn’t that such a strange thing to say? I am new to relationships, so maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve never heard of someone saying something like that. Especially since that’s not the question I asked. What do you guys think? Should I just brush it off? Or does it have some deeper meaning? I’ve been thinking all morning about why he may have said that and I can’t figure it out.


He sounds honest and level-headed. Yes, it’s unusual, but I would appreciate such traits in a relationship.

Yeah, I would agree that he’s not being so much philosophical, but more honest. Can’t fault someone for honesty. If it makes you feel uncomfortable about the relationship, maybe you ought to think more about your own motivations for the relationship.

this guy is a real find. He’s smart, honest, mature, and knows himself (and others) well in this area.

I’d find it refreshing–especially since you’re feeling the same. If the relationship grows into something more permanent, then great. At least you’ll know you aren’t both just playing a societal role.

I’d say there’s sort of three possibilities:

  1. He’s just extra philosophical.
  2. He’s (at least mildly) depressive. Depressed people tend to be a bit more honest about the future.
  3. His family would only ever let him marry someone of his own culture, so an eventual breakup is a given that he possibly didn’t realize you wouldn’t know.

I’d probably go with #2 or #3. (I think that #1 is basically just a politer way of saying #2.)

So you started the relationship for the sex, had no particular intention of continuing it for any length of time… but are now perturbed because he points out that the relationship may not continue for any particular length of time?

In other words – you agree with what he’s saying, but are discomfited because he said it out loud, instead of just merely thinking it and planning based on it, as you were doing?

Okay, I see your point. I did tell him his honesty is refreshing.

But, I don’t know, as I said, I just found it odd since I’ve never heard of someone saying something like that. On one hand, it seems a bit pessimistic to already be thinking about breaking up. But on the other hand, well, clearly he’s right.

I guess I was just surprised.

He has said he would love to marry an American (partially) because it would help with citizenship.
(That was when we were just friends.)

So I don’t think it’s 3.

Well, he may still be thinking about breaking up, but I don’t think it would be due to that.

How old are each of you?

I am 19 and he is 26.

What is his native language? I’d be wondering if the word for “boyfriend / girlfriend” in his language means something closer to “fiance” and he simply wanted to clarify that calling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend in America doesn’t imply that you’re eventually going to marry.

My analysis:

Post #5 until someone played the “he’s depressed” card without the slightest inclining of knowing whether it’s true or not.

Post #12 until someone played the, “he’s just not that into you” card.

Well, I don’t really want to give too much away in case someone I know reads the SDMB.

Then again, I probably already have.

So his native language is Farsi.

He just hasn’t yet learned (or perhaps, JUST learned) that while it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to think, it’s the kind of thing you don’t say.

It takes a while for us realists to learn the rules for communicating with you romantics. :wink:

Fair enough. But I guess I’m challenging you to ask yourself why you find yourself perturbed that he’s saying something when it’s something you were already thinking. In other words – it seems to me you expected him to dissemble, to claim undying love (or at least not DISclaim undying love) as long as the relationship was going on.

Wouldn’t it be better to be with someone who is upfront about his feelings and his expectations? And if your answer to that is “Yes, obviously it would,” then I’m challenging you to examine your own thought process and suss out why your first reaction to that prospect was negative.

Well, of course I would find it quite creepy if he said he loved me or something at this point. I was just expecting him to say, “Yes, I think of us as boyfriend and girlfriend” or “Oh, I thought we were friends with benefits”. That’s all I was asking.

I guess it’s just a topic that’s normally avoided. For instance, a friendship could end at any time. We all know this. But I don’t go up to my friend and say, “Man, I want to be a good friend to you until we fall out or grow apart!”

I mean, I guess I do see your point, but I’m not sure 100% unfiltered honesty is always the best policy for relationships, especially in the early stages. We both clearly know the relationship will likely end at some point. It just comes down to statistics. So why say it?

I guess the most favorable interpretation is that he didn’t quite understand what I was asking and thought I was after this type of answer.

Think of his pov as an emotional pre-nup. After all, people get married with the intention of staying married forever, but just in case… they acknowledge that they might not stay married forever. And put it in writing. In front of lawyers. His acknowledgement of the uncertainty of the future is certainly gentler than that.

He does sound honest

He’s too phylosophical. You’re too analytical.

It’ll never work.

If he doesn’t expect the relationship to last then he should not have agreed that they were bf/gf. Fuckbuddies don’t have an expectation that the relationship will continue ad infinitum. Couples do. That’s what makes them not fuckbuddies.

OP, you are more invested in this relationship than he is as evidenced by the fact that his ‘honest’ opinion hurt you. I would suggest either downgrading your valuation of your status to fuckbuddy or ending it and looking for someone who is willing to match your level of commitment. If he doesn’t expect the relationship to last, it assuredly won’t.

I am not sure I agree.

One of the most persistent complaints from men about women, and women about men, is that we don’t say what we mean. Men, so goes the stereotype, don’t like to endlessly analyze our feelings; we are suited to problem-solving and action. Women, equally stereotypically, are accused of playing the “If you don’t know what you did wrong, I’m not going to tell you,” card. Everyone laments that they can’t be sure what their chosen romantic partner, or would-be romantic partner, is thinking.

Here, in contrast, you have a guy who clearly and forthrightly says what’s on his mind.

And you seem to be wishing that he played some kind of a game instead. I suppose that’s your prerogative, but I can’t help wondering if you have some sort of hidden timetable, such that if he did ratchet back his honesty, in six months you’ll be irritated to discover that he failed to be forthright about something… that, in other words, you have a set of rules you want him to follow, but you’re unwilling to actually define or convey those expectations to him.