This is just a hunch, but how does he pronounce “human”?
No, I don’t agree. That’s what a proposal of marriage is: a declaration that you want this relationship to last forever. The very nature of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is that it’s subject to dissolution at any time by simply walking away (optionally by changing your phone number and blocking your ex on Facebook). Fuckbuddies have the understanding that theirs is not an affair of the heart, but of regions located somewhat south of the heart. Boy/girlfriends speak of love, or affection, or some kind of romantic entanglement, but not of forever.
Huh? Is that a joke? If not, umm. I am not really sure.
Bricker - I agree completely with your distinction between boyfriend/girlfriend and fuckbuddies. Well said.
I don’t really understand why you get the impression that I have some sort of rules or guidelines in mind for how he should speak. I didn’t say, “Don’t say stuff like that!” to him at any point. I guess I’m just puzzled why he chose to offer up that information at that particular time.
For instance, if I would have asked him, “Do you love me and want to be together forever?” I would completely understand if he pointed out that our relationship is really new and probably not going to last. But that’s not what I asked. I don’t think it’s necessary to just throw that sort of cynical statement out there without prompting.
I mean, it’s like people who tell 5 week along pregnant woman the statistics about miscarriage without prompting. (Although clearly my situation not as serious.) But it’s like, is it really necessary to say that? Surely she knows.
And surely I know that our relationship probably won’t last forever. So it makes me wonder why he found it necessary to point it out.
And I disagree with that. Marriage is a declaration that you want your already existent relationship legally recognized. The expectation of forever is already there. Now we’re just making dissolution onerous.
I agree that it is an odd thing to say. To me it sounds like he’s perhaps slightly uncomfortable with the relationship.
Being subject to dissolution is not the same thing as saying you expect the relationship will fail. The OP does not have him saying he might not marry her, but saying he probably won’t.
He appears to be giving the same logical weight to his supposed girlfriend as he would to any other random woman who he could potentially wind up in a relationship with.
The word “probably” generally indicates a fairly strong prediction. It’s not just saying the probability is higher than 50%. Saying it nonchalantly without any disclaimers often implies that it is your desired course of action.
Granted, in this case, there may be a language or cultural barrier, so I’d suggest that the OP discuss it with him. Because, on the face of it, it seems to mean that he currently has no intention of ever going into a more committed relationship with her. And, either way, she needs to know his expectations and see if they are compatible with hers.
Discretion is not some form of game. One of the most basic things a person must consider before saying something is how it will affect the person they say it to. If saying it causes more downsides than upsides, discretion means you don’t say it. It doesn’t mean you are being dishonest.
No one who says they desire honesty means that they want you to say everything that is on your mind at all times. If so, then why would these same women you cite who want honesty get mad when you say something offensive to someone else?
The word honesty is not synonymous with telling “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Otherwise they’d just ask you to be honest in court.
Isn’t that true for any randomly selected 1.5 month relationship?
The chances are low we’ll get married. I completely agree on that point. I don’t see anything wrong with thinking that way.
I guess I just didn’t understand why he chose to say it at that time. I still don’t. But I guess what I’ve learned from this is that nobody on the SDMB knows for sure either.
I think what I’ll do for now is just leave it. I don’t really want to bring it up again and make it seem like I want to harp on about our future when it’s all so new. I will just trust that he was being honest and has no other hidden motives behind what he said.
That seems to be most likely anyhow, from what I can tell.
I had a girlfriend who was a little like that. I consider myself pragmatic and someone who tries to put realism before emotions, and in fact I’d say I’ve taken it too far in much of my life and missed out on some opportunities because of unreasonably low expectations. I knew the odds weren’t in our favour when it came to eternal love, but I found her attitude quite depressing, and in my opinion, it needlessly changed the odds from “not in our favour” to zero. I felt like she was always trying to keep her options open which only left me with two: get out when it suited me, or cause myself extra grief by trying to change her attitude. I suspect I picked the wrong option and would avoid relationships like that in future.
What exactly is his background? Is he a foreign student. If so, perhaps he plans to go back to Iran when he graduates and doesn’t expect you would go back with him.
Does anyone know anything about Iranian cultural traditions about marriage? Are they into arranged marriages? How important is parental approval? Would parents strongly oppose someone of the wrong religion?..
:dubious:
Help me help you.
I see your point, Bozuit. It is a little depressing, but I think I can deal with it as long as he doesn’t keep bringing it up. If he does, I will say something similar to what you said. That I understand that odds, but it doesn’t do any good to keep mentioning it.
PastTense - Yes, he is a foreign grad student. He wants to stay in the US after graduation.
As far as I know, his parents are pretty liberal, so I am not extremely worried about that.
I know dating isn’t done in the open in Iran, but I believe he has had a few girlfriends before. I think I’m his first American girlfriend though.
Edit: Your point has been understood, QuickSilver. I’m just not sure I agree with it.
I think it could go either way.
I mean, he is a very honest person. Why would he communicate that he’s not very into me through saying this? Why not just say that?
He’s 7 years older than you and from a completely different cultural background. You’re his first American fuckbuddy and he’s probably your first Iranian fuckbuddy. Oh, and he’s aware that having an American wife could speed up his permanent residency/citizenship. I’d recommend you use the most reliable birth control available and enjoy your fuckbuddyship as long as it lasts.
Why did you ask him about it? As I read your OP, he called you his friend, and you decided to dive into what that meant and what the relationship meant.
Then he very honestly said he enjoys the relationship but recognizes that it’s unlikely to be a permanent thing. Which is apparently exactly what you want out of it.
He’s not saying he isn’t into you. (Although, clearly he is in you at times :D) He’s saying he enjoys the relationship but understand that neither of you thinks it’s serious. Nothing wrong with that.
Personally, I agree with Bricker. Rather than some song and dance about what the relationship should be, he simply stated what it IS. And what he thinks it is, is what you think it is. Apparently you’re upset by this, which I hope you understand is confusing to a lot of us, and probably to him too.
You’re fortunate that in this case his honesty makes this much easier for you.
Also, ‘why’ he said what he said is not remotely as important as what.
It’s my experience that in life, if you pay attention, people always tell you who they are and what they want/think. He’s told you. Now you just have to believe him. Trying to rationalize it by analyzing his motives for saying it will not change anything.
Sounds like he’s throwing out “hints” that he wants to end things but that he doesn’t have the guts to come out and tell you. That makes him social awkward or a jerk, not “philosophical.”
If he doesn’t provide you with a an explanation as to what he meant, then downgrade your relationship to friends and move forward from there.
I see your points.
I guess what I need to do is, yes, enjoy our time together for however long it lasts.
I need to stop overanalyzing. It does no good.
Edit: I really don’t get that sense. I mean, he was talking about how he’s excited to see me, suggested plans for this weekend, etc. Whatever he meant, I really don’t think it was “I want to break up right now but lack the guts”.
'atta girl.
BayStateBlue- for future reference, read any book of dating advice and one of the unbreakable rules, especially early in a relationship, is that you must never ask the guy “where is this going?” or anything like that. Yeah, at some point, you will want to know, but frankly, if you really don’t have a clue, then asking him isn’t going to get you the answer you want.
A man who is serious about a long-term committed R will not leave any doubt in YOUR mind about it. You will KNOW he is serious. If you’re not sure, asking him WON’T clarify the issue to YOUR satisfaction, but it might produce the kind of extremely honest answer you got.
In fact, early on, it’s just as well to avoid talking much about the R at all. Not that the topic is off limits, it’s just that that sort of inquiry/conversation doesn’t move the R forward. Ideally you two should have lots and lots to talk about besides the relationship.
BTW, what I’m saying works both ways: for a guy to push a girl/woman for a statement that clarifies how she feels about him often puts her on the spot and precipitates the dreaded drop-kick into the Friend Zone.
Suddenly had a flash of 80-yr-old fuck-buddies.
Thank you.