No needle, no scalpel vasectomy....Wha??

I just heard this commercial on the radio this morning for a clinic in Chicago that offers “No needle, No scalpel vasectomies”.
“No bags of frozen peas, no stitches,” the add promised.

I thought it was a joke.
Then I started wondering how a mild surgical procedure like this could be completed without a single incision.
How do they get to the vas deferens non-invasively?

Use smoke and mirrors?

Wave a white-gloved hand and make gestures in the general area of the crotch?

Maybe they go in through an existing opening? :eek:
Use quick-set concrete or silicone to block something from going somewhere?

I shuddered during the 35 minute trip to work this morning thinking of different means by which to accomplish the same task that for the last century or so was done with an incision (or two).

I mean, if my doctor doesn’t have at least a tin-snip, two vise-grips, and a flint adz then I don’t think it’s a legitimate operation here, know what I mean?

So, I get to work this morning and I search for “No needle, no incision vasectomy” and this is what I find.

Turns out they don’t use a needle or a scalpel, they use a chain saw!!

Just kidding, OK now exhale (for the male crowd with their dangling participles still intact).
Bait and switch, it seems.
They don’t use a needle or a scalpel but they still make an incision somehow and somehow they spread open that incision to gain access to the aforementioned vas deferens, – but no scalpels are used!

According to the website, a doctor from China discovered the procedure way back in 1974 and it’s been used in the States since '88.

Great! Again with the no-incision stuff…ah, maybe they’ve adopted the loosest of definitions for the word incision. Possibly stolen from the mining community?

–noun; a cut, gash, or notch in which a 17 ton tractor may be driven into.

From the website again;

Note the word incision is never used to describe what is being done, although there somehow is being gained access to the inside of the scrotum. Also, no thanks, I don’t want my ends typed either. You may ty them, but do not ever type them.


“Typing off each end,” eh? Just stick your whole bag in an ancient typwriter and start pounding keys. WHAM! WHAM! “There, no more babies for you.”


Now, if they really wanted to offer a valuable service, they should offer a “knock your husband out in the middle of the night and by the time he wakes up, he’s sterile!” service (with his previous consent, of course). I’d pay a lot of money for that right now.

Just as long as the frozen peas aren’t involved.

Meh. I had a vasectomy in November '05, and it wasn’t that bad. And you’re right - the procedure you are talking about does not translate to less pain or easier recovery, it just translates to a smaller hole being made in you to stick surgical instruments into. Big deal.

Mine was a breeze, really. I was sedated for the procedure and spent three days in bed with frozen peas on my junk and a head full of Codein. I watched all six Star Wars movies that weekend, and hammed it up (regarding the pain) so the missus would give me lots of pity. Truth is, it didn’t really hurt all that much. :smiley:

Ah. I thought perhaps it would be the old-fashioned rural method, involving two half-bricks. It’s reputed to be entirely painless (provided you watch your thumbs).


Please don’t.


Why am I suddenly imagining Orson Welles having a temper tantrum about my vasectomy surgery?

“Get me a jury and show me how you can thwart your vas deferens without a needle or a scalpel, and I’ll go down on you. That’s just idiotic, if you’ll forgive me for saying so.”

Just be sure to use any letter other than “O”.

When my husband has had angiograms (heart catheterizations) the doctors/nurses can sometimes get huffy if you refer to the hole as an “incision.” Apparently, if you poke a hole through the skin, it’s not an incision. It’s only an incision if you cut.

The wound from a catheterization isn’t stitched. They just lay a heavy beanbag on your hip/groin and make you lie there without moving for hours.

This is so silly. When I got my vasectomy 30 years ago, Dr. Waggoner did not use a scalpel. He used sterile scissors. He threaded a blunt hook in through the slit. He located the vas by feel, pulled it out, snipped and cauterized it. Then he did the other one. No stitches; he explained the scrotum is one of the fastest healing parts of the body. By the time I thought to look for the healing slit, it was already healed, and I couldn’t find it.

I had a “WTF” moment like this just last week. During the Kansas - Baylor basketball game, Baylor’s coach was on the sidelines but not actively coaching as he had just had his appendix out the day before. In the sports page the next day, they referred to the surgery as “non-invasive”. :confused:

My first thought was laser surgery.

Still, how would they get the laser to the place it’s got to be without making an ‘opening’ somewhere? :wink:

Or a 1920’s-style neutering ray!

Well, you’ve seen Goldfinger, right?

No incision…? I thought this was more like how Bruce Willis ‘fixes’ the serial rapist at the end of ‘Sin City’, complete with yellow splatter. :eek:

Did the codeine make the last three Star Wars movies any less painful?