JeffyDMan suggested sending the letter, I just wanted to second that idea. I know you think she probably won’t listen, but what harm can it do? Why not write a similar letter to her fiance? Someone really needs to get this girl to do the right thing, and moving to Texas with no education, no job and no form of income is just not a good thing!
Maybe if you and all your mutual friends got together and wrote or called and told her how worried they you all are it may make a difference. When I was 19 I didnt listen to my parents much, but I definately paid attention to what my friends said.
Its worth considering, and what does it cost to send a letter these days?
Do you know where in Texas she’s going? If you do, see if you can find information on community colleges and vocational programs, cultural offerings, employment listings and apartment rentals in that area, and share them with her.
Tell her how excited you are about her adventure – moving to a new place, starting a new life with the man she loves. And his dad. Don’t forget dad. He’s probably a nice guy, happy to share his home with his grown son and a daughter-in-law, maybe even grandkids, for who knows how long.
Maybe making some plans with a friend will help her to see that there will be days and months and years to get through after the thrill of the elopement is over.
(Aren’t there some rules about scholarship funds? Like spending them on an education? And showing that you did?)
Geez, I had forgotten about the scholarship money. Man, this guy is a real peach, isn’t he? And this girl. Well, all I can say is I second smiling bandit’s theory that intelligence really has nothing to do with stupidity.
I’d imagine there’d be some rules about scholarship money. Financial aid, maybe not so much considering you’ve got to pay it back anyway, but scholarship funds? I’d assume there’d have to be some regulations in place governing the use of said funds, depending on the grantor.
Personally, I think you should send her the link to this thread. Sometimes seeing a bunch of stranger’s opinons (the fact that they’re all concurring doesn’t hurt, either) helps a little. At least she can’t use the “you all just hate him!” excuse when she refuses to listen to reason.
As far as the scholarship money…well, this is how our school handles it. You have the grantor (in her case it’s the State of California- same as mine) send the $$$ to the school. If you’ve already paid your tuition and such, the school sends you a refund check. I would guess her check was around $1000. The state doesn’t really check to see how you spend the money, since it directly goes to the school.
If it were anyone else, I would totally agree that she needs her friends to set her straight. Unfortunately in her case, I know that it wouldn’t work. You have to understand that he is really, really manipulative. She will not listen to any of us because she has him telling her the opposite. I probably sound like I’m just throwing away any idea, but I assure you we’ve tried before. She thinks we all just can’t understand because we haven’t met the love of our lives yet.
AuntiePam She knows me better then that. That is so totally out of my character that it would automatically set off alarms!
Got any friends around your same age who are in steady relationships/engaged/married who might be able to talk to her?
Anyway, that’s also about what they did with extra scholarship money at my school way back when, anything over tuition/board got refunded to you. Of course, I always ended up spending mine on mundane stuff like groceries or rent!
No, all our friends have sense! Only one other is engaged and about to be married and we all think she is stupid, too. She’s also dropping out of schools o she can be by his side. Bah, idiots.
Hey, it’s not my fault I don’t have to buy groceries…blame my dad. Stupid jerk, always buying me food and giving me shelter. :wally
Perhaps the best you can do is stay in touch with her and let her know that you are her friend, no matter what happens to her. Make sure you two stay in touch because she may not make the effort after she moves. Make sure she has your address and phone number(s).
Start now, before she leaves, because on the day she does go away, you will be hard pressed to say or do anything through your tears and gritted teeth.
Don’t give up on her. You just might get that phone call down the road with a tearful voice that sounds so alone. Pray that you do get it.
Duckster I gave her a call today. Her fiance had borrowed a few of my DVDs, I called him and he said she had them so to call her. I did. I left a nice message on the machine along the lines of, “Hi _____! This is Angel! ____ said you have those DVDs I lent him a while ago, I was just wondering if I could come by and pick them up. I haven’t heard from you in forever. Give me a call, k?”
I really do want the DVDs. She’s got my Chapelle season one, damnit.
Humph. An actual loving SO would* suppor*t getting an education. Don’t these people know that the rule about dropping out of school if you got married was in the 40’s? DangerDad put me through grad school, after I helped him finish his BA (I was already finished when we got married).
Otherwise, what everyone else said. It’s terrible to see such idiocy.
Other dopers have alluded to this, but just to emphasize:
I think she may now be in a “you and me against the world, babe” mentality. I’d bet dollars to donuts that her BF is encouraging this mentality. “They just don’t understand our love.” Any negative advice you give, no matter how well-meaning or logical or rooted in common sense, will have the paradoxical effect of increasing her attachment to this guy. Maybe the best thing you and your friends can do is a sort of mild reverse psychology. Don’t say “I totally support the idea of you abandoning your education and moving in with your lazy obese manipulative boyfriend. I think that’s the best idea ever!.” Just say that she’s been a good friend and you wish her the best of luck.
And I strongly disagree with the idea of showing her this thread. The more people she sees denouncing this stupid idea the more she’ll be able to cast herself and her BF as Hero and Heroine Standing Alone Against A World That Just Doesn’t Understand.
Larry’s completely, 100% right. Any negative commentary will just fuel the fire of her determination to prove everyone wrong. Because, of course, the rest of the world just doesn’t understand how beautiful and special and pure and right their love is. And, of course, you petty spinsters who have never known the joy of beautiful, special, pure, right love like hers are just jealous.
Let me guess…Fatboy is sensitive and full of promise, a misunderstood genius, right? None of you who object to the pairing could ever hope to be as brilliant as he is. Heh. Make Fatboy a scrawny, fugly pseudointellectual with a pitiful attempt at a goattee and your friend the Grand High Empress of the Drama Queens, and you’re living my junior year of high school and freshman year of college. Make Fatboy a fugly shitkicker, and you’ve got my senior year of high school. And I’ll tell you from experience, you might as well just sit tight and zip it, 'cause nothing you can say is going to make a damn bit of difference. All you can really do is leave the lines of communication open for when she needs you, if you feel so inclined. Of course, if she’s become really nasty and bitter and obnoxious, you might not feel so inclined.
Sorry about the problems… my 16 year old brother just failed out of college and is now engaged and planning on moving in with his fiance, to a new house, in a new city, and neither of them have jobs.
Kids can be stupid sometimes.
But babies have to touch the stove to know that it’s hot.
Here’s hoping that the mistakes they make can be fixed.
IANAMod, but I’ve heard of other people getting banned for setting up “let’s you and them fight” scenarios. Might wanna think on that idea before you go for it.
CrazyCatLady and Larry Borgia You’ve hit the nail on the head; that’s exactly how I feel about everything. There’s nothing I can say that’ll change her mind at this point.
The sad thing is, he actually is very intelligent. It always amazed me because he understands advanced math concepts without trying (alright, maybe that amazes me because I’m an “English” person and not math, but still). His problem is that he doesn’t apply himself, which is sad because it’s not like he’d have to work half as hard as the rest of us to understand it. He’s a huge waste of a gift, it’s sad.
FinnAgain No worries, I had no intention of showing her this. Sorry to hear about your bro, sounds like a similar situation- only worse. 16?!? Wow. You are right that you have to touch the stove (or stick your finger in the light socket) to learn that it’s bad.
And she sees that. And she will be able to change him. Because everyone knows the story of Beauty and the Beast, if she loves and supports him enough, he will bloom into a prince and realize his potential.
He won’t, by the way. I’m hoping “low sperm count.”
There really should be intervention for this. A place you could take her to where women in their forties would smile and nod and say “Honey, I know…I’ve been there.” And then say “married fourteen years, did he ever mow the lawn ONCE! No. Then he left me for that hussy. Good thing - now she can wash his underwear, cook his meals and mow the lawn.” Then Tammy would chime in with “yep, mine spent every penny my grandmother left me, ran up the credit card bills, we declared bankruptcy. He’s still sitting on the couch, I can’t bring myself to leave him, but I wish I’d never married him.” Linda would say “I can’t believe I left school and gave up my dreams to marry him and have his kids. Wouldn’t trade the kids for the world, but it would be so much easier if we could afford even just a little. Tomato soup and shopping at the second hand store gets old, know what I mean?”
'Fessing up–I did something similar when I was the same age and this was the exact attitude I had. Even when my parents very sensibly pointed out the benefits of waiting for a few years, I was convinced they just didn’t understand. Seven years later we were divorced. I just barely finally finished my BFA degree summa cum laude (at age 32) and am working on my teacher certification.
Here’s the thing. I would NOT have had the courage to move on after without the support of my friends. They really encouraged me and I can’t tell you what a difference they made. As angry as several of them were (and believe me, they were as angry as you) they got over it and just continued to be there for me, even when–in retrospect–I may not have deserved it. It’s obvious you really care about your friend, but I hope you are able to look past her obvious immaturity with respect to her romantic relationships. Best case scenario, it actually works out. And since that’s probably a long shot, worst case scenario, she’ll come to her senses after a few very difficult years of marriage. My guess is the real world is gonna kick her ass. She’ll need a good friend with common sense.
Whatever you do, I get where you’re coming from. Hope every thing works out for the best.
