Not inviting GF's child to a wedding

[Q.N.Jones]

@yellowval

It may not be required, but it is the polite thing to do, in my opinion. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of it, you understand. Before my husband and I were married, I was invited to a wedding and the invitation did not include him, even though the person knew we were together. I respected that, said nothing, went alone, and left early.

Emphasis mine.

You sound like you really resented that your then-boyfriend wasn’t invited. I don’t understand this thinking. Once two people are part of a couple, is it impossible for one of them to go out on their own with their friends and have a good time, without feeling guilty? Are party-givers obligated to extend every social invitation to both members of the couple, or risk being called rude? I’m sincerely curious–I don’t get the problem. I have never felt this way when I was in a serious relationship.

[archmichael]

@badbadrubberpiggy

At least in the US, the only guideline for inviting a guests SO is if they’re married, engaged, or living together. Otherwise, it’s at the discretion of the bride and groom who they invite. It is not required to invite a single person with a guest, if you don’t have room for them. It is rude to ask to bring one if you weren’t invited to do so.

If they’re not on the invitation, they’re not invited, period.

You would think a friend since the age of three would warrant a “& guest” invite. It’s not like they’re just co-workers or acquaintances.

Of course, I’m from the school that believes that you should go with a smaller wedding than send out “invitee only” invitations.

[badbadrubberpiggy]

@archmichael

You would think a friend since the age of three would warrant a “& guest” invite. It’s not like they’re just co-workers or acquaintances.

Of course, I’m from the school that believes that you should go with a smaller wedding than send out “invitee only” invitations.

You would think that, but that doesn’t mean he was rude. He only wanted his friend there, and was pressed to have an extra guest he didn’t want, that he’s now going to have to pay for. He might be on a budget, and have limited his choices to who he can afford to have there. There isn’t enough info in the OP to really establish wether that’s true or not, but that is usually the case when a single person doesn’t get an “& guest” invite.

Personally, I would have invited the GF, but that doesn’t mean he’s the bad guy for not doing so.

[joazito]

@badbadrubberpiggy

He might be on a budget, and have limited his choices to who he can afford to have there.

Your guess is as good as mine.

[Khadaji]

This is your friend’s day. Not yours. Not your girlfriends. His. Since you are close, as you say, it seems reasonable for you to ask if the child is welcome. However, since you are close, you should understand and respect his refusal. It is his day.

[archmichael]

@Q.N. Jones

Are party-givers obligated to extend every social invitation to both members of the couple, or risk being called rude?

For me, yes.

@Q.N. Jones

Once two people are part of a couple, is it impossible for one of them to go out on their own with their friends and have a good time, without feeling guilty?

No, but with a “& guest” invitation they have the option of making a choice of coming together or alone instead of having the decision made for them.

Most people find weddings romantic. Two people are making a life long commitment to be a couple. People who are forced to come without their SO, end up feeling real lonely.

[CrazyCatLady]

@archmichael

You would think a friend since the age of three would warrant a “& guest” invite.

Eh, you’d think if it were so serious as to warrant the SO being invited to the wedding, they’d rate a “& Ms. What’sherface” invite. I’m sorry, if you don’t know the bride and groom well enough for them to invite you by name, you flat-out don’t belong at their wedding. You just don’t. And if you can’t contrive to have a good time without bringing a date, you flat-out don’t belong at the wedding. “And guest” has absolutely no place whatsoever on a wedding invitation.

And it is absolutely rude to put someone on the spot for an invitation, which is what the OP did. It is even ruder to then put them on the spot for a second invitation, and even ruder than that to then go back on your acceptance of an invitation because your demands for extra invites were not met. Shockingly bad manners, regardless of the informality of the original invitation.

Oh, and btw, all that stuff about you being distracted by the kid? That’s not the real reason the child wasn’t invited. It was just the groom’s attempt to make a polite excuse. “I’d hate for you to be distracted,” sounds much nicer than, “Fuck no we don’t want some kid we’ve met once running around shrieking all day, and fuck you for entertaining the thought. Oh, and fuck your pushy-ass girlfriend, too.”

[Q.N.Jones]

@archmichael

For me, yes.No, but with a “& guest” invitation they have the option of making a choice of coming together or alone instead of having the decision made for them.

Obviously, opinions on this issue will range all over the map. I think it’s rude to expect your family and friends to always be included in an invitation. I think it’s extremely rude to believe you should always be given the option to bring whatever second person you wish along with you to any social event.

And, just as an FYI: Miss Manners and other etiquette mavens will tell you that an “and guest” invitation is very rude. Either you invite a person by name, or don’t invite them at all.

Most people find weddings romantic. Two people are making a life long commitment to be a couple. People who are forced to come without their SO, end up feeling real lonely.

Of course, you must realize that this is how you would feel. And probably some other people, too. But I certainly don’t feel that way. In fact, I hate bringing an SO to a wedding unless they know the people who are there. I’m there to celebrate the marriage of friends and spend time with them–not gaze adoringly at my own SO, or whatever.

It seems clear to me that, in the end, the truth is this: people are not grateful enough for the hospitality of others. We should be glad to get an invitation to a social event, and accept it for what it is, not look for reasons to criticize and find fault and try to grasp for more.

[Spoons]

@Q.N. Jones

And, just as an FYI: Miss Manners and other etiquette mavens will tell you that an “and guest” invitation is very rude. Either you invite a person by name, or don’t invite them at all.

sigh Wish my cousins read Miss Manners. I well remember the time, a few years ago, when a cousin’s wedding invitation arrived at my Dad’s house. It was addressed to “[Dad’s name] and Kids.” Note that Mom had been dead for some years, so obviously, her name wasn’t on it.

Anyway, the really sad part was that my sister and I–the “Kids” the invitation referred to–were both in our 30s at the time and each of us, though unmarried, had a pretty steady SO. But apparently, Cousin felt that we didn’t warrant our own names on the invitation, much less separate ones with the vagueness of “Spoons and Guest” or “Sis and Guest.” My sister and I were quite insulted and made our displeasure well-known to Dad (I threatened not to attend, myself), but at his urging, we each went–solo–just to keep peace in the family.

Anyway, count me as another vote for “Girlfriend is asking too much/is way over the top/is making an unreasonable demand/is being rude in wanting her child to attend your friend’s wedding.”

[yellowval]

@Q.N. Jones

Emphasis mine.

You sound like you really resented that your then-boyfriend wasn’t invited. I don’t understand this thinking. Once two people are part of a couple, is it impossible for one of them to go out on their own with their friends and have a good time, without feeling guilty? Are party-givers obligated to extend every social invitation to both members of the couple, or risk being called rude? I’m sincerely curious–I don’t get the problem. I have never felt this way when I was in a serious relationship.

Maybe I did resent it. But it wasn’t like the then-boyfriend (who also happens to be my now-husband) and I had only been seeing one another for two weeks. My husband was in the same class in school as this girl, and my husband and I began dating in high school. So yes, a “you’re invited but he’s not” invitation seemed pretty rude to me. And yes, I think both members of a couple should be invited, whether they are married, engaged, living together, or living separately. And for those who say a SO in a live-in relationship should be invited, but not an SO in a non live-in relationship, why? They’re still only boyfriend and girlfriend. What gives them a special privelege because they’re living together? And what about people in long-term same sex relationships? They may never be able to get “married,” but does that mean they shouldn’t be invited to weddings as a couple?

[The_Devil_s_Grandmother]

@joazito

At this point my girlfriend starts a lifelong deep hatred for this friend. She also said that was I to attend to the wedding of such an inconsiderate person, she would call the relationship off. I would like to have attended to wedding alone but I choise not to, the relationship meant more to me. She is still my girlfriend to this day btw.

I’ve had a really bad experience with this and sometimes it makes me overreact, so ignore me if I’m way off base.
The SO who tries to separate you from your friends/family is one of the first signs of a potentially abusive relationship.

Back on topic, yeah she was rude. And holding grudge over it is beyond rude.

[archmichael]

Wow, fast moving thread and a very interesting point of etiquette.

Hmmmm…

A wedding is a celebration. When you send out an invite you are inviting people come join in the celebration (have a good time). To put unreasonable (and I guess this is where we differ) restrictions on the guest’s ability to join in on the celebration is IMO rude.

I have heard wedding horror stories where food was served for only some of the guests. Yes, it’s their day. But is the lack of funds a good excuse for this? Or should you just be thankful you got an invite? I believe that when you give an invitation, the inviter (as host) takes on certain obligations to make sure his/her guests are happy.

Just a difference in attitude I guess. I can invite you all to my birthday party. It is my day. But if you show up I would want you to have fun. If I invited you to come just to honor my birthday and drop off gifts, I would be rude and vainglorious.

Seems to me, too many people are buying into the “It’s their wedding day, let it slide” attitude which leads to the creation of so many bridezillas. Some of the stories here are horrifying. They sound like social snubbings out of Edith Wharton’s “Age of Innocence”. They sound like intentional insults.

[MissGypsy]

@CrazyCatLady

Eh, you’d think if it were so serious as to warrant the SO being invited to the wedding, they’d rate a “& Ms. What’sherface” invite. I’m sorry, if you don’t know the bride and groom well enough for them to invite you by name, you flat-out don’t belong at their wedding. You just don’t. And if you can’t contrive to have a good time without bringing a date, you flat-out don’t belong at the wedding. “And guest” has absolutely no place whatsoever on a wedding invitation.

And it is absolutely rude to put someone on the spot for an invitation, which is what the OP did. It is even ruder to then put them on the spot for a second invitation, and even ruder than that to then go back on your acceptance of an invitation because your demands for extra invites were not met. Shockingly bad manners, regardless of the informality of the original invitation.

Oh, and btw, all that stuff about you being distracted by the kid? That’s not the real reason the child wasn’t invited. It was just the groom’s attempt to make a polite excuse. “I’d hate for you to be distracted,” sounds much nicer than, “Fuck no we don’t want some kid we’ve met once running around shrieking all day, and fuck you for entertaining the thought. Oh, and fuck your pushy-ass girlfriend, too.”

Bingo. That “& Guest” is rude, as is asking if you can bring along your friend/SO/kid/SO’s kids, etc. If your name only is on the invitation, that’s exactly who is invited, and no haggling allowed.

[ouryL]

When you are invited to any function, this does not entitle you to then invited someone else, ever.

This is just plain rude and unmannerly. :wally

[Q.N.Jones]

@archmichael

To put unreasonable (and I guess this is where we differ) restrictions on the guest’s ability to join in on the celebration is IMO rude.

How is not asking/allowing the invitee to bring a guest a restriction on the ability to join in on the celebration?

I have heard wedding horror stories where food was served for only some of the guests. Yes, it’s their day. But is the lack of funds a good excuse for this? Or should you just be thankful you got an invite?

No, that’s just crappy hospitality. It’s saying to an invited guest, “You’re not good enough to warrant being fed.” It’s also rude to ask someone’s attendance during a meal time and not feed them. (All per Miss Manners.)

Just a difference in attitude I guess. I can invite you all to my birthday party. It is my day. But if you show up I would want you to have fun. If I invited you to come just to honor my birthday and drop off gifts, I would be rude and vainglorious.

True. How is declining to invite one’s SO the equivalent of saying, “bring me a gift and get out, bitch”–?

Seems to me, too many people are buying into the “It’s their wedding day, let it slide” attitude which leads to the creation of so many bridezillas.

Well, if so, I’m not one of them. I’m an etiquette stickler.

I just don’t think it can reasonably said to be rude to say (in essence) to your guests, “Sorry, but it is me giving the party, and I’m making the guest list, and my invitation to you does not give you the right to invite any other person of your choice.”

That said, are most people going around deliberately trying to snub SOs, live-ins, etc? No, of course not. They’re just hoping to have the all people they love most to a party/wedding. They’re also hoping not to go broke doing it.

It just seems so petty to get angry because the host didn’t invite the people you wanted him/her to.

What I don’t understand is why people who are family and friends aren’t willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If hosts and guests really like and care about each other, the guest should be willing to believe that the host has done his best to be considerate re: the invitations, and the host should try to take the guests’ feelings into consideration.

Why draw the line at marriage/living together? I suppose because those are declared family/quasi-family relationships. There’s no guesswork for the host, no trying to figure out who Yellowval is dating this week, or whatever. I personally would prefer if etiquette rules were more relaxed on this point, but that’s not my call.

[Khadaji]

@archmichael

Wow, fast moving thread and a very interesting point of etiquette.

Hmmmm…

A wedding is a celebration. When you send out an invite you are inviting people come join in the celebration (have a good time). To put unreasonable (and I guess this is where we differ) restrictions on the guest’s ability to join in on the celebration is IMO rude.
<SNIP>

What is unreasonable about telling a person that he may not bring as many people as he wants? When I’m invited to a party, I certainly do not expect to be able to bring whomever I wish. My folks are in town that weekend, may I bring them too? How about my college buddy? My boss’ wife is away and he’ll be alone, can I bring him along? The groom issued an invitation to one person, he was kind enough to then offer an extension to the girlfriend. That was gracious. He was under no obligation whatsoever to invite the 3 year old.

If I invited you to come just to honor my birthday and drop off gifts, I would be rude and vainglorious

I have no idea how you imagine this is the same thing as saying you may not bring extra people.

[amarinth]

Just to get this straight - you took it upon yourself to invite/drag along two extra people to his wedding and you’re asking if he was rude?

Perhaps he should have used nicer language, but no, it is not the least bit rude to make the guest list for your own wedding.

[archmichael]

Q.N. Jones, although we are going back and forth I wanted to make clear I’m not getting hot about this. Until this thread, I didn’t know you could politely invite only one person (especially a close friend), and I don’t think I ever will be comfortable with the idea. At least now I know that not everyone thinks like I do, and consider a single invite a snub.

Just trying to wrap my head around it.

[overlyverbose]

@archmichael

Wow, fast moving thread and a very interesting point of etiquette.

Hmmmm…

A wedding is a celebration. When you send out an invite you are inviting people come join in the celebration (have a good time). To put unreasonable (and I guess this is where we differ) restrictions on the guest’s ability to join in on the celebration is IMO rude.

I have heard wedding horror stories where food was served for only some of the guests. Yes, it’s their day. But is the lack of funds a good excuse for this? Or should you just be thankful you got an invite? I believe that when you give an invitation, the inviter (as host) takes on certain obligations to make sure his/her guests are happy.

I also have to disagree with this. The OP in no way indicated that if he showed up with his girlfriend and her son in tow his friend would refuse to feed them. He merely stated that, while his friend wouldn’t mind the girlfriend showing up, he would mind the girlfriend’s son coming. How is it an unreasonable restriction for the groom to decide he doesn’t want the girlfriend adding to the guest list, especially when he’s already making a concession to have her there? It’s rude in the first place to ask someone who was not invited to a party, but then to have the uninvited guest bring additional people? No way - that’s apalling.

And I have never heard of people being invited to a wedding only to be refused food. Did the caterer run out of food or something, or were these people simply told not to eat? The former is a pretty embarrassing situation, but possibly understandable if these people never bothered to RSVP; however, if it’s the former, that is just unforgiveable, and neither situation is in any way applicable to the OP’s situation.

[overlyverbose]

@overlyverbose

The former is a pretty embarrassing situation, but possibly understandable if these people never bothered to RSVP; however, if it’s the former, that is just unforgiveable, and neither situation is in any way applicable to the OP’s situation.

Sorry - I meant the latter is unforgivable. :wally