It’s not running out of food, it’s much worse. See it’s like this:
12 to 1 PM wedding
1 to 2 lunch
2 to 6 reception (or whatever)
Certain people are simply not invited to the luncheon. Can you stomach that? I’ve had friends wonder WTF they’re supposed to do in a strange town for an hour as they’ve only been invited to wedding & reception.
Or you can do the wedding and reception on different days, so:
Dinner 6-7 PM
Reception 7-10 PM
So some people only get invited to the reception. How can this not be awkward, when one person says “Mmm, that food was yummy, didn’t you think so?” And the other is forced to admit they weren’t invited to dinner.
I take it you’ve never read Etiquette Hell, overlyverbose? There are stories there of only the bridal party eating, or only a certain group of guests getting served by what was apparently design. There, and on wedding planning boards, I’ve also heard about people inviting people to bits and pieces of the celebration. This is usually for the big schmancy dinner-dance reception type weddings. You could apparently be invited to the ceremony and full reception, or the ceremony and dance (and have to find your own dinner in between), or just be invited to the dance. There were frequently questions about the best way to word the invitations to make it clear that B or C-list guests weren’t getting dinner without sounding offensive. I just never could think of a gracious way to say, “please come dance and bring me presents, but I ain’t feeding your ass.”
Good Lord, I feel so sheltered. I think my mom would have (quite rightly) slapped me silly if I had the temerity to ask someone to come to my wedding without inviting them to the reception and dinner.
I agree that it’s rude to not feed people / invite them to only certain parts of the wedding / basically make it look like you want gifts out of them and that’s it. Personally, if I want someone at my wedding reception, I want them at my wedding, too. I would never make someone feel like they are good enough to come to one part of the celebration, but not the other. I think the only really good excuse for doing this is if you are having your wedding at a tiny church or temple or whatever, where people simply wouldn’t fit.
You should never run out of food due to poor planning. Some people ARE going to come without RSVPing, and there should be some kind of plan if this happens. It is just plain rude to invite people and not feed them on purpose. I would be mortified if at my wedding, my guests didn’t have enough food, whatever the reason. I’ve never heard of that happening, but maybe I just haven’t had enough experience w/ weddings. I’ve only been to four wedding myself, and two of those was when I was very young, so I don’t remember much.
As to the guest issue: the fact is, people make their guest-lists for good reasons. If you can’t bring a guest, it’s probably b/c there isn’t enough money, or room for one. Also, it could be a fairness issue. While Joe and Jane want you at their wedding and like your boyfriend, they don’t want to have to also invite all their cousins whose boyfriends or girlfriends they hate. It would cause a lot less trouble to just say “no guests”. It’s a slipperly slope with these things, like making an exception for one kid. If one kid gets to come, people are going to see him at the wedding and wonder why their kid couldn’t come, too.
While I understand that you are coming from a position of one half of an established couple, I have a different point of view. I’m chronically single. I really don’t date and there has certainly never been a person in my life whom I would feel comfortable inviting to a wedding with me. Therefore the invitations that I have recieved that say Eureka and Guest have always amused me a little. What, should I grab a guy off the street? Invite my mother? Ask Cynthia the girl who loves weddings to come so we can critique the wedding?
Actually, there was one wedding that I ended up flying to that if I’d been a little closer to I might have been tempted to invite my mother. That way I wouldn’t have to drive three or more hours each way by myself. And by bringing her to the wedding, I wouldn’t have to leave her alone in a strange city.
And I was sufficiently blindsided by the invitation (didn’t know the groom was dating anyone, let alone that seriously) that it was not inconceivable that I had gotten serious about someone since the groom and I had last corresponded. So I appreciated the thought. It’s just the assumption that one should always give someone an option to bring a date can contribute to some of us singles feeling awfully left out. Much better to entertain oneself with old friends who also did not bring guests. (At the reception, there was one table dedicated to people who had known the groom in grad school, plus one fiance who was happy to meet some of these people he’d heard about for monthes).
semi-professional etiquette consultant here, and I pretty much agree with the sentiment voiced by most people in this thread.
I do not know how long you and your SO had been together by the wedding date, but I do know that unless she was an established part of your life (long term gf, engaged, married), there’s no clear expectation to have her invited as well.
Even assuming that, your host has limited resources. Inviting someone else on your own, or raising a stink, is just tacky. It shows a lack of consideration for his efforts.
As for the child- your SO is just wrong. I have been to many kid-free events, and have never been offended by an acknowledgment that there are times and places where children either don’t belong or would not enjoy themselves (we have 3 kids). A wedding is certainly one of these. The host is already providing you with free food and entertainment- you want them to provide a babysitter too?
Now, I don’t know anything about your SO other than this thread- but if this is an indicator of her normal behavior, I think you’re in trouble.
*btw- as for ‘and guest’ invites: for formal gatherings like weddings, where you are mixing family members with friends that may or may not know everyone, inviting a guest is a way to make sure they have someone to talk with, and ease social interactions with others. So I don’t find anything inherently wrong with them. That doesn’t obligate the host to provide for it, though.
overlyverbose: My post was in regards to yellowval’s story not to the OP. I maintain the weddings are a “couple” oriented function, and all invitees should have the option to bring one other person.
Personally, I’d rather be rude by adding “& Guest” to an invitation than run the risk of offending someone close to me by leaving out his/her SO. Seems to me you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Being invited to the dance but not the ceremony and dinner is quite common where my dad is from. The church is small, the people are poor, and not everyone is Lutheran. So the weddings can be for close friends and family, as is dinner. That evening, the community hall is opened up with a wide open invitation for the whole area. Friends, neighbors and the guy that pumps out your septic tank all show up. Sandwiches, hot dishes and beer are available for all. The band plays until the wee hours of the morning, and everyone has sore feet the next day.
The bridal party gets to share their day with everyone. Everyone gets to congratulate the bride and groom. The kids all get to get wired up and run around. Everyone is happy.
Miss Manners and Emily Post don’t have all the answers, and anything that goes against their rulings isn’t rude.
And there are so many conflicting opinions on guest lists here that I am now afraid to do mine. It’s a good thing my wedding isn’t until 2008. I don’t want to offend anyone, but the line has to be drawn somewhere about who gets an invite.
Ditto. But I’d lean to 10 times out of 10 the person would be told to hit the bricks.
But as you said… If there was one mother doozy of a reason. Then maybe. In the case of the OP, I would give her overnight to calm down, if she still had such an intollerably assinine attitude and stuck to her ultimatum the relationship would have ended.
When we got married two years ago, we didn’t invite kids, and made it very clear on the invitation that it was an adult-only affair. In my opinion with regard to invitation etiquette, invite who you want to your wedding, but just make it clear who is and who isn’t invited. (Not that it stopped my sister and brother-in-law from giving us a hard time about not inviting kids. :rolleyes: )
As for the OP, one more vote for your girlfriend needs to grow up a wee bit.
I know how you feel. My cousin got married a couple of years ago, and the wedding invitation went to Mr. & Mrs. Six and Daughters. Neither my sister nor I are children, nor did we live with parentsixes. If that was just a way to be cheap and not have to mail two extra invitations, it was still rude as hell. I am old enough, and have been on my own long enough, to warrant being considered an adult for the purposes of invitation.
I went, because my grandmother wanted moral support (she was there under protest too), but never again.
If I can’t be invited by specific invitation with my name on it, I shouldn’t be there.
I think we need to give joazito a bit of a break over asking if the GF is invited. The “invitation” was verbal, during a party, not a carefully planned and worded printed invitation. Just because friend didn’t think to say “I want you and your GF to come to my wedding” instead of “I want you to come to my wedding” doesn’t mean GF is automatically and irrevocably not invited.
The point of etiquette is to make people comfortable. That’s why invitations are carefully worded, so it’s clear who is and isn’t invited, no awkward clarification necessary. Verbal are often unclear, so clarification may be necessary. As long as everyone understands WHY it’s unclear and doesn’t get their panties in a twist, it’s all good, and we were fine up until when GF decided her kid should be invited too.
Kids are a totally different thing than inviting someone’s SO. They change the dynamic of a party completely. My wedding had well over 10% of the guests under 13, and fully half the wedding party was kids. Definitely a different wedding than an adult only affair. If you want an adult party, the kids gotta stay home, and it’s very rude to bring your kids uninvited.
No, there is a simple solution. You call up your close friend and say, “Hey, I’m sending you an invitation to my wedding – is there someone you would like me to invite to attend with you?” If the answer is yes, then get the other person’s name and address and send them an invitation. It’s not difficult at all.
(I have to wonder: How close is this person to you if you don’t even know if they have an SO, much less the person’s name?)
Yup, just wanted to point these out. The “& Guest” doesn’t really apply here. He invited the OP, and then the GF, but held his ground on the child issue. Nothing wrong that I can see.
And I don’t think there was anything wrong with the GF asking if her kid could come along (that would be quite normal I imagine).
But forcing an ultimatum was just a petty tantrum.
Hmmm… I have to disagree. This isn’t the prom. The only couple that is at all relevant to a wedding is the bride & groom. If weddings are a couple-oriented function, in your perception, it’s your perception that has the problem, not the situation.
I don’t want to offend anyone, but the line has to be drawn somewhere about who gets an invite.