A conversation at work today reminded me of one lesson that I learned the hard way. The conversation went like this:
Coworker (age 41, female): If anybody says anything bad about you, I’ll let you know.
Me (38, female): :eek: No, no! I don’t want to know! Keep it to yourself!
Usually, when someone has said something nasty about me, it’s been when I’ve first started somewhere, and they didn’t know me yet. Many times, people have taken a dislike to me right at first, as I have a “strong personality”, and I’m shy, and can come across as a bitch. But then, after they get to know me, they change their mind about me, grow to like me, and can forget that they ever said that about me. But if someone has told me that they said that about me, I’ll never forget, and I can carry a grudge like a mutha.
IMO, when someone wants to telll you what nasty things have been said behind your back, it’s less as a favor to you than to fill their own need for gossipping and shitstirring. And I told my coworker exactly that, and that shut her up right quick. “Don’t do me any favors, sweetie!”
I’ve been at my current job and am well-liked, so I doubt that she’d even hear anything to tell me (but you never know), but I’ve learned this lesson.
What not-so-obvious life lessons have you learned?
That’s odd. I’d very much prefer to know what other people are thinking of me, even if it’s bad. I may then decide it’s garbage, but I also may not and discover that I should change my behavior in some way if I don’t want that opinion.
I would consider it an outright service, not shit-stirring and gossip. It never occurred to me that people wouldn’t, unless what was being said was so over-the-top absurd as to be unquestionably the result of malice.
But, a you a woman? I’m not woman-bashing, but we as a group can be downright vicious with our words.
I, too, used to figure it was good to know what that bitch has said about me, why, I’ll, I’ll I’ll whatever. After all, [sanctimonious] that’s letting people get away with being FAKE!! I keeps it real!
But, over time and lots of experience, I’ve learned that ignorance is bliss.
Pack the stuff you will definitely need in your carry-on luggage. You really, really can’t assume that checked luggage will arrive with your flight, if at all.
I do not want to know what people that I don’t care for think of me. As Alice says, women can be downright nasty. No thank you, I can form my own opinon.
Yep, plus it’s way unprofessional for people to be talking about personalities at work anyway, whether it’s to your face or behind your back. I’m in the ‘Shut the eff up and do your job, that’s the reason you’re here’ camp.
In a similar vein - if you go to the doctor for a vaccination and the nurse tells you to take some Advil when you get home because the shot site is going to hurt tomorrow, do not ignore this advice because you feel just fiiiiine the rest of the day. In the morning, you will wake up and be sorry.
Yes, I am. And I’d STILL rather know. So much so that, as I mentioned, it never occurred to me that anyone wouldn’t! To me, ignorance of stuff like that is never bliss.
That being said, I haven’t worked in the kind of environment you’re talking about. I’ve been a computer programmer since 1977. Most of my co-workers over the years have been men, and the people we were likely to bash were either managers setting what we felt was idiotic policy or the occasional person who simply didn’t have a clue even though s/he was in a position where s/he should. (They are unfortunately not necessarily distinct groups.) For a while, though, I was mostly surrounded by a group of largely clerical women, and since they were my in-house “customers,” I did get a sense that there was a lot of what you’re talking about going on - junior high type behavior. But fortunately I haven’t been a part of anything like that since I was in junior high, over 35 years ago.
That being said, I’d still rather know. My former boss was entirely convinced that that entire group of women thought she was the greatest thing since peanut butter, and I had assumed it to be true. It turned out (after she was transferred to a different project) that she had intimidated the shit out of a lot of people, and had a major reputation for over-explaining technical issues to people who weren’t technical. They respected her, and some of them liked her, but a lot of them didn’t at all. Had she known, she might have been able to take steps to correct some of the mistakes she was making in interacting with them, but they were too “nice” to tell her. Generally, a malicious remark about someone has to resonate in some way with the hearers in order for it to get any traction at all, so yeah, I want to know. I want to know the way I’m viewed, the good and the bad.
If you really like the shirt you are wearing (or possibly a dress for females), and you are about to eat a meal while relaxing on top of a bed, change into something else first.
Nobody is going to tell you bad things that other people say about you because they’re your friend. If they were honestly concerned about you and other people were saying things about you behind your back, they would defend you and not pass it on to you. And if was a problem that was true, they would approach you one-on-one and tell you themselves and not say “other people” were talking.
Telling you the “truth” is a tactic manipulative people use to promote themselves. They tell you what Person A secretly said about you behind your back. Then they tell Person A what you said about them behind their back. Now Person A and you don’t trust each other but you both think you can trust the little weasel who started the game.