who got their hontas poked?
41 year old female
Lost virginity at 22 (did not date in high school, near fatal car accident when I was 20)
Was with the guy I lost virginity to for a year and a half
Married for almost 3 years, with him for 5 years…
Long term relationship 2.5 years
Several one night stands
friends with benefits
Number is about 20
I have a question for all those who have had dozens of partners. How did you do it? I mentioned earlier in the thread that I am a virgin and I’m still scared to take the leap. I worry about making mistakes to the point where I’m paralyzed.
I think the worry that I have is some kind of residual feminist shame. When I was younger I didn’t want to be like what I thought was how men where supposed to act. It seemed like a lot of guys treated women poorly. So I tried to educate myself about the female experience. But instead of simply asking girls what they thought and just acting like a decent person I read about Feminism online. And because I was also insecure about myself in general (I thought of myself as a guy who women would only see as a friend instead of a potential boyfriend) I never got any actual experience with a real person. I just had things I read on the internet kicking around my head. I internalized a lot of the male bashing that I heard. Things like “men are pigs” or “men are assholes” or “men are rapists.”
I have largely eliminated this self-hatred. I’ve been to therapy and talked about this with real, live women. It’s like I’ve destroyed edifice but the rubble is still inside my mind. I feel like I’m still overly sensitive being called an asshole even though most of the people who know me tell me that I’m a decent guy. I want to have a lot of different kinds of sexual relationships including one night stands and friends with benefits but I’m overly worried about hurting someone.
So I guess my question is: How do you have sex with a lot of different people without letting an irrational amount of fear of hurting people get in the way?
By realizing that the large majority of humans are feeling the same thing, or that your potential partner might be more eager than fragile. You aren’t the only one in it, your partner bears fully half the responsibility to proceed, and half the desire. By pursuing physical contact in the context of a loving relationship, or barring that, a mutually respectful relationship, even if that’s only for one night. Sex is a messy, frantic, and often undignified event, and sometimes things go mildly wrong. You say “oops” and back off, or try something different. By seeking partners who are like minded, or similarly sensitive and kind. You could offer genuine compliments or make other reassuring noises. Or, if you’d prefer the quick n’dirty: Cut yourself some slack and don’t overthink it. The biological imperative can be such a pressing impulse that any mistakes you might imagine take a backseat to the urgent need of getting two bodies as close together as possible.