Dammit, you asshole! I didn’t bother to check the poster and only figured out that it was you halfway through because I have been drinkin’.
Kid, if you wanna go pro I have a friend in the business. She’ll hit your grammar, at least she does mine, but a hand up is a hand up. Without hand jobs, too.
Ahem. Speaking as a 54-yr-old from the Midwest, is it okay for me to think the Beasties are fuckin’ awesome?
Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!
So this thread makes me wonder if SNL has ever done a Foxx News Channel parody with Fred Sanford as O’Reilly.
Sampiro, Honey, I can’t believe you did that now with one eye tied behind your back! Buenos notches!
What do you all think? Does Sampiro make these up on the spot or does he have tons of these already written & just waits for the opportunity to use them?
Of course, as far as we know, they could be actual stories of his family with the names changed to those of TV characters.
I think the race should come down to the candidate who can correctly name all 8 Reindeer.
Palin goes first. "Uh, there’s rooodolf, he’s the one with the red toes, and ah, Joe the reindeer, and uh I think the rest were moose…
Dopey, Doc. Grumpy, Horny, Sleazy, Creepy, Greasy, and Rumpleforeskin…
Palin’s an expert at North Pole affairs. You can see Santa’s Workshop from Alaska.
There were no reindeer named Greasy and Rumpleforeskin and to use those names here for levity is sacreligious. The seventh and eighth reindeer were “James the Son of Alphaeus” and “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”.
FRED SANFORD This is the O’Reilly Report with Fred G. Sanford (and the G stands for ‘Got Your Fair and Balanced Right Here’. Now in Today’s L.A. Harold-Examiner Harold says that Obama’s gonna give 95% of Americans a tax cut. That means 5% of the taxes are gonna go up. Now look here, I hadn’t paid taxes since 1942 and that was just because I was feelin’ patriotic and the war was on and they asked me to pay taxes and I wanted us to win the war against terror so I gave ‘em the three dollars and they let me out of jail, but I hadn’t paid taxes since then. So if I’m not payin’ anything in taxes now, that means my tax debt is zee-ro, and if Barack’s gonna cut taxes into half, half of zero is zero. Which means my taxes can’t be cut no more, and if my taxes can’t be cut, that means they must be goin’ up, and I ain’t votin’ for no Muslim brother won’t eat pig feet and gone raise my taxes! Case closed! Now my guests today are Bay Buchanan, whose brother did some shit or other, I guess we couldn’t get him on here so we got her, and who else is over there… Hey Grady! Who else back in the Green Room?"
[off-camera voice of a deranged older man]What Green Room Fred?
FRED The Green Room under your Mama’s front porch! Which one you think I’m talkin’ about? The Green Room where the guests sit!
o/c GRADY Fred that room ain’t green. I’d call it more of a… more of a… lemme go take a look at it again… Fred that room’s mauve with peach highlights!
FRED Mauve, mauve, mauve… Grady never used to talk like that 'fore they took off the Godzilla movies and replaced with FOUR FAGS FIX YOUR HOUSE shows… I don’t give a damn if it’s Baboon’s Ass Red with Orange Polka dots and a Mozarella Statue of the Pope Kicking a Donkey, who the hell’s in there?
[distant o/c camera]Who the hell are you people? <muffled voices>
GRADY Fred, there’s some old drag queen named Baby Boo Cannon or somethin’, and a woman called Ann Coulter look like she ain’t eat nothin’ since you paid taxes and she humpin’ on a crucifix, and some people I don’t know who they are, I think they just walked in off the street to get warm…
FRED Well send 'em on in here…
[Bay Buchanan enters]
[Fred does his patented ‘Damn that is one ugly woman’ look at the camera]
Damn! Hold on… put some of those gels over the camera Bubba…
BUBBA [o/c]What color?
FRED I don’t know, ask Grady. He’s the one watches all those FAGGITY UP Y’ FLIPPIN’ HOUSE shows… Hey Grady, what color take out ‘ugly old white woman stains’?
GRADY I’d go with a peach or maybe a lilac…
BAY BUCHANAN Watch it you elite bastard!
FRED Damn! You’re Baby Blue Cannon, and your brother’s famous they say… he must be Detective Cannon… I can sure see who got all the pretty in your family…
BAY BUCHANAN Why thank you!
FRED Hey Grady! Bring Esther in here and set her down…maybe sittin’ next to her will make this woman look halfway decent…
[sound of scuffle and yelling as Esther is ‘persuaded’ to appear on camera and is seated next to Bay Buchanan]
FRED Oh Goddamn!
ESTHER Don’t you take the name of the Lord in vain on the airwaves you old ‘danglitty chad riggin’ old multiculturalist age heathen!’
FRED You right Esther, you right… you right… cause the Lord is in this studio! The Lord’s presence is right here! I’m goin’ down on my knees soon as I get some he’p… Hep me get on my knees Grady… cause the power of Jesus is in this room!
ESTHER Ha’glory! Praise Jesus! Fred has felt the power of God! What made you see the light of the Lord!
FRED God’s in this studio cause when you sat down next to Cannon’s sister, even you looked kinda pretty! That’s gotta be Jesus workin’!
BAY BUCHANAN Well I never!
FRED I know that’s real! Last man who tried took one look at you and went to work for one of those HOMO AND GARDEN TV shows like “Make it Mauve!”
ESTHER Fred Sanford, you have blasphemed on the air! You have insulted the beauty of womanhood!
FRED Have to see it for I’d insult it…
ESTHER You have committed the 21st century sin of sexual harassment…
FRED *Her-ass *mighta meant somethin’ to somebody but it damn sure wadn’t sexual…
ESTHER And you have slandered the name of our country to promote your own agenda of foolishness and foolery… and I say Sister Bay, let’s beat the hell out of 'em!
BAY I heard that!
[attack ensues- cut to commercial]
[return- Fred’s head is bandaged and the studio is empty]
FRED Well, in case you missed it, we just had somethin’ like JellO wrestlin’ in here, except it was with slime! And Jelly! Hey Bubba, 'member that time I passed you off as Blind Mellow Jelly’s son Jelly Belly!
[o/camera voice] I want my daddy’s records!
FRED Hell yeah, one of my biggest hits! That somethin’ George W. Bush sayin’… ‘I want my daddy’s record’ of actually winnin’ a war! Here what I said there… here what I said… I say… oh— [insantly serious] So America, here’s my final thought… There have been many wonderful brothers in the history of this nation, like Martin Luther King, and George Washington Carver, and Malcolm X- y’know I used to play pool and work in a nightclub with that redheaded n-
[o/camera lawyerly voices]DON’T SAY IT! NOT AGAIN!
FRED…with that redheaded n-eologism makin’ brother- and there was Thurgood Marshall if you wanna count him as the first almost black man on the Supreme Court til Clarence Uncle Thomas came along and cancelled him out, and there was George Jefferson who revolutionized dry cleaning and BB King and Frederick Douglass and James Baldwin and Harold Washington and Colin Powell and all… but there ain’t never been a brother who was president. That’s because they’re gonna try to cut taxes, and when they can’t cut taxes, they’ll raise 'em. So I say keep blacks in the sciences and the arts and the industries, but I’ll take a white president please! And besides that, Obama sounds Irish, and they drink, and he’s from Hawaii, where they drink those fruity drinks with the umbrellas and the pineapples, so I think he’s a little
[hand gesture]
He’ll be in that White House two months when suddenly he’s got three queer sisters in there tryin’ to get the King of Spain and the Saudi ambassador to come over and help look over pineapple wallpaper swatches. That’s why I’m votin’ John McCain. He don’t look like he gives a shit about decoratin’, he got the hell beat out him by Koreans like the ones who own the grocery stores…
[o/c voice]They were Vietnamese!
FRED Yeah yeah yeah… they cain’t even tell what they are! Anyway, he’s been in prison five years and had to get his food from a Vietnamese guy and soon as he got out he cheated on his wife so he knows what it’s like to live in Watts, and I think he’s way more likely to send Julio and his twelve sisters home, and if I’m wrong and he ain’t no good, he’s gone drop dead in a year or two anyway, and then we get the first president worth seein’ butt nekkid! Now her ass meant something sexual to somebody!
So I say if I want innovations in the arts and sciences I’ll take a brother, but white president please! I say this cause I’m sure of it, and cause I care…
*And would I be sure/if I didn’t care… *(walks into camera)
roll credits- sound of scuffling going along and angry female voices in distance
[o/c]
Thanks, brilliant.
Actually, it’s IN Alaska.
Odd coincidence: Grady Wilson (of Sanford and Son) did appear on a SNL sketch last night. But completely without reference to O’Reilly.
You won’t fool me with your obviously false claims. Everyone knows that the real North Pole is in New York.
Perhaps, but Santa Claus is in Georgia.
Also Indiana: Santa Claus, Indiana - Wikipedia
Home of the former Santa Claus Land (now expanded to Holiday World) rumored to be the very first theme park. Woo hoo!
Why does everyone think it’s spelled “Wheezy?” Did she have some kind of respiratory problem for which she was named? It’s “Weezie.” Carry on…
Who’s Eddy?
(Couldn’t bear to leave you hanging there, buddy.)
I don’t see what’s wrong with “I’m comin’ Weezie!” It’s a classic televison catchphrase, right up there with “Beam me up, Barney Miller” and “Book 'em, Maude.”
Thank you. I can now stop checking in every day.
(Oh, and you’re a hoopy frood.)
