No way I can wait that long!
I’ve tried to spell out the sound I made when I read this, and the best I can come up with is: Guhhnnnnnnnggkkksshhohhhhhkk.
I believe that this was approximately the sound that he made. Except there was some sobbing involved, too (he was in grade school at the time), especially when he had to get UNzipped. The school called his mom to come do this task.
This cannot stand. Your stories are far too awesome not to be posted.
I suggest that your fellow Dopers form a brute squad and mash anyone who starts squawking about HIPAA.
Years ago a friend of mine had a pilonidal cyst, and was instructed to wipe back to front to avoid further infection. I do not know if he developed this as a routine habit thereafter.
Ah, another defining question we can ask newly joined dopers along with how you eat corn and if ketchup is OK on hot dogs: “Toilet paper - do you hang over, or under?”. The right answer, of course, would be over, BTW.
Pilonidal cyst development is unrelated to bowel habits.
Indeed, most pilonidal cyst locations are relatively remote from the anus. Your friend’s wipe technique must have been more exaggerated than typical.
Are humans the only animals that have a need to wipe? If so how did we evolve like this? Could it be our diet is not natural to us? It just doesn’t seem right that a natural function would require some artificial ritual to complete it properly.
Considering that our nearest animal relatives, the chimpanzees, are notorious for using their own feces as airborne missiles it may not be so much that they don’t need to wipe as they don’t mind having stinky butts.
Just a guess, but I cannot think of other animals who excrete via a large cleft. I guess that is the tradeoff for being a mammal walking upright.
My cat often has the need to wipe. Does he? No.
I’m imagining Tom Cruise saying this.
At least we got the line about looking evil in the eye and giving it a prostate exam.
Yeah, I am sort of like a Unitarian Tom Cruise. Except with the same wife for over 30 years. I’m taller, too.
I’m already getting flack from Satan’s attorneys over having said that. Fortunately I did document the informed consent so I’m good.
Visual surreal depiction of the putridity of drug addiction.
Unless you have cats who like to play “unroll the TP”, in which case the only proper answer is under. Because otherwise you will end up with happy cats and a pile of TP on the floor.
Having worked in medical insurance, I’m pretty sure HIPAA would only be a problem if you gave your patient’s name or other identifying info. A suitably anonymized story shouldn’t be an issue, so far as I understand.
Unless you have a playful cat who loves unrolling it. 
At this point in the movie he was trying to wean himself off of heroin. Just prior to this scene he had inserted some sort of heroin suppository,with the idea being that the slow release of heroin would help ease his withdrawal. He explains through narration that heroin use constipates you, and now that he was basically off of it, he was quite suddenly no longer constipated - thus the desperate rush to find a bathroom, and a willingness to settle for “the worst toilet in Scotland.” Shortly after evacuating his bowels, he realizes that he has also expelled his heroin suppository (I suppose that might be regarded as a tactical error :D), and so he goes fishing to find it.
Inner Stickler might be right about the deeper meaning of his swim, but I always just regarded it as a comedic flight of fancy.
I’m well aware of that. But that doesn’t prevent others from fretting about HIPAA violations when medical anecdotes are shared. So while it’s not a HIPAA violation, it’s an issue to some posters. One I don’t have to deal with if I avoid telling anecdotes.
As I was sitting on the pot this afternoon, I couldn’t help but think of Qadgop’s sage ministrations.
I encourage all to egest a turtle and shout out a cheer for our dear Qadgop: “HIP HIP, KER-PLUNK!”
Knowing cat as I do, I submit to you that it would be worse if he did wipe - it would be on your pants, on your carpet, on your couch…