"Oh Fetch!" (lame)

Background: I spent three merciful years outside of the state of Utah, and have returned mostly against my will to go to a state school, since my school of choice sucked me dry. Anyway, I was sitting in the general advising office, trapped between Mo-Mo boys chattering away, as they will when they’ve got nothing else to do and me to annoy. The substance of the “conversation” escapes me now, since I was trying to mind my own damn business. But nooo…suddenly, my ears were assaulted.

“Oh Fetch!” one of them said. “I forgot to (do x)!”

“Fetch” you, you hypocritical little twerp. Just fucking say “fuck.” Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck you up the ass. Your religion states you shouldn’t swear, so don’t fucking say something that is an obvious replacement. The truly pious wouldn’t say it at all, you arrogant snot nosed brat. All you’re proving is you can say a socially acceptable form of “fuck”. I presume you don’t “fetch” your wife, despite your canine appearance, though I’m sure she’s fecund enough to produce a proper tow-headed litter. Just say fuck.

Same with “heck.” Same with “darn.” You’re not fooling anyone, you pathetic excuse for a human being. Do yourself a favor and shove that stick farther up your ass, it might improve your elocution. I, meanwhile, will call you a shit-sucking cum-dumpster in my mind, and try to wait patiently for my turn to fuck off.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

Well, drat those boys! Botheration! I hear that tommyrot and all I can say is phooey! Shucks, why in tarnation can’t those party-poopers doggone well say what they blasted well mean? Golly! Gosh darn namby-pambies!

Stars and Garters girl! Don’t you remember how softly native Utahians pronounce the “L” sound? It’s almost as if it isn’t there.

I have a friend who is fairly Christian of a vaguely born-again American protestant sect sort, although he drinks way too much and smokes way too much weed, and he says “mother grabber” instead of motherfucker and it drives me fucking up the fucking wall. The mothergrabbing car, etc. Aiagh!

“Bull-sugar!” pisses me off in much the same way.

It’s offensive now when people don’t swear? I can’t go along with you on this one.

Well I can. I mean, fuck, shit, goddamn! (And yes, I do use that phrase in conversation - it expresses profound disbelief or irritation). It’s utterly abominable when people say things like “Fudge that!” or “Son of a Biscuit!” Why it’s worse than Tofurky! Or those two Duke cousins from the later episodes of Dukes of Hazzard! It’s a sanitized bastardation! It’s ET with the guns edited into flashlights and Eliot dressed like a “hippie!”

I will accept no motherfucking imitations!

And this is only fair! If I say “So and So is a goddamn son of a motherfucker!” then people who don’t swear are always getting on me about it. Don’t cuss, it’s offensive! Don’t cuss, it’s just lazy language. That’s why I won’t truck with it. If it’s SOOOOO bad - then these righteous bastards shouldn’t get to use a placeholder.

But wait, there’s more! Just think of the great comics of yore using this tripe! Think of Richard Pryor using the words “motherfudging nincompoop!” Think of Sam Kinison using “Dang Bullfeathers!”

I mean — must we all be reduced to speaking like Yosemite Sam a la EddyTeddyFreddy? :wink:

Ok, I know I’m bluer than Cookie Monster, but I have to pile in behind Spongess on this one.

BTW capybara - mothergrabber? MOTHERGRABBER? Tony Montana weeps.

  • Peter Wiggen

Location: Effin Utah

Pot, meet kettle.

I have nothing against “darn” and “heck”. Or even “bull sugar”. And so on. Just because sometimes “real” swears are not appropriate (as Exploding Kitchen pointed out, something Spongess seems to be aware of :smiley: ). Not appropriate the way sometimes “Hiya” is not appropriate, and “How do you do, a pleasure to meet you” is. Different social circumstances. Hell, if you could uses swears all the time, they’d lose their fucking point!

That said if these guys are not swearing not because of the circumstance but because they think god doesn’t like it…well they he doesn’t bloody like it when the think fuck and say fetch, either. So screw that.

THAT said, I have to ask, where does it say god doesn’t like “fuck” and “shit” and…so on? The swearing that’s condemned in the bible is blasphemy. Shit is not blasphemy.

Actually, assuming they’re general theory is correct, God doesn’t like it when they think fetch and say fetch either.

Ok, but I don’t think I’m clear on the general theory.

I grew up in a very conservative Protestant religion. We were taught that the substitute words, called “Minced Oaths”, were just as bad as saying damn, shit and fuck. So I’d say the OP is spot-on.

I interchange “minced oaths” with real cuss words all the time. I try not to cuss around strangers, and I don’t cuss at all around my family, but even at home, I may say “Gosh dog” one minute and then “Son of a motherfucking whore” the next.

I’m agnostic, so I’m not doing it to try to avoid offending any deity. It’s just the way I speak.

Clearly those boys have never seen Mean Girls. Fetch just isn’t going to happen.

Maybe I should invite you over the next time ACBG eats Mexican food. :smiley: Ok, maybe it’s not so much blasphemy as it is an abomination.

I have no problem with people who use milder forms of expletives. Like betenoir said, sometimes the circumstances call for it. I can cuss with the best of y’all when the need arises, but still one of my favorite expressions is “dang!”. Bull sugar? I’ve never heard anybody say that. I think I’d fall down laughing if I heard it. Which, of course, means I have to use it the first chance I get. I just know I’ll get some priceless looks out of that one!

I can still hear Col. Potter saying “Horsehockey!” with such an air of conviction, it shouldn’t even count as a minced oath …

Hey, I have to fit in now.

What they need to do is learn some mild expressions of annoyances that aren’t obvious replacements for the biggies. I recommend “vertutst.”

Spongess, what else do you hate about Mo-Mos? Don’t be coy.