I’ve heard “just move on” and “just get over it,” but that’s not REAL advice. It’s been 4 years, and I still miss this woman as much today as I did the day it ended. No, I’m not exaggerating - just thinking about her still brings back tears. Now, in my defense, I don’t think about her every day, like I used to, but when I do think about her it still hurts just as much.
So, what advice for a pathetic, love-sick guy like me do you have? “Just move on” and “just get over it” are exactly what I want to do…but HOW?
(For anyone interested in the whole story, I’ve been pathetic enough to actually post it here.)
Usually it’s not about “getting over it”, it’s about filling the void she left with something else. Doing something else, meeting new people, getting out there. It sounds like you are gradually starting to do this (since you don’t think about her quite as much as you used to) but 4 years is a LONG time, my friend.
If you are going out and seeing other people and being the real social butterfly and you still think about her a lot, then I think there’s a problem there.
Hmmm…
Drinking isn’t for me - I’m not the self-destructive type.
I have been dating and socializing…but there seem to be some “commitment” issues there, I think.
I had wondered if something might have been wrong with me because of the time it was taking…maybe it’s just taking a very long time.
Maybe I will go seek some counseling, too. Thanks!
Then it’s just a matter of calculating the correct size of ladder or trampoline and the angle of launch to make the flight arc miss her head by a few inches and …
It could very well be that you don’t get over this woman. That every time you think of her you still feel that twinge. Actually there is one person in everyone’s life that affects them this way. The best thing to do is not to try to get over her, but to try to live with it the best you can, which you sound like you are already doing. One day someone will come along and replace her almost. Good luck.
It took me years to get over a certain boyfriend. I know how that feels. Actually, sometimes I see someone that looks like him and I swear my heart skips a beat, even though I’m happily married to a man of much better temperament and character.
One thing that might help, a little, is to make a list of all the things that you really didn’t like about her. There has to be something. The way she smacked her lips when she ate. The way she drove. The fact that she didn’t like action movies. Whatever. It might feel disloyal or unkind, but remember she is out of your life and you need help moving on.
And yes, counseling would help a lot. Just someone to talk to about it. If you work, you might check out your company’s “Employee Assistance Program.” It’s completely confidential, and can provide short-term counseling for problems. And it’s usuall free or reduced–your company contracts for it because they know a mentally healthy workforce is more productive.
Don’t feel too bad, DirkGntly. I still haven’t completely gotten over a high school relationship I was in. Partly because the girl in question currently lives with my best friend, so the three of us are often doing things together. I tried what some dopers mentioned- I tried to meet other people. But I kind of had to stop because I didn’t want to feel desperate for a relationship. Since we broke up 6 years ago, I haven’t really dated anybody else, and all my attempts at dating girls I’m interested in have fallen flat. I’m not too discouraged, though.
Lately me and the individual in question have forgone talking to each other entirely. Its been a significant help for me. Some of my friends thing its a little nuts of me to dwell on something that in the big picture was somewhat insignificant. But because it was the first real relationship I ever had, it was kind of etched in my brain, and I stupidly wanted things to be the way they were before, no matter how impractical that may currently be.
Try to date other women, but more casually. Have sex with people. Don’t go looking for another relationship yet. If you end up with someone you want a relationship with, great. But make yourself get out there and ask people out. It’s hard, but it’ll help you move on.
I think ultress has it right here - sometimes, you never get over them. A part of me is still in love with the girl I was in love with in high school, and probably always will be, though I’ve seen her only once since 1975.
There’s a big difference between infatuation and falling in love. Infatuations come and go. With falling in love, if it doesn’t work out, eventually you get to a point where you can let go and move on. But I’ve never fallen out of love; I’m not even sure the term has meaning for me.
Time heals all wounds. That and the close companionship of a certain Mr. J. Daniels(old no. 7).
Really tho, everyone is different in these matters. What works for one may not work for you. Keep your head up and good luck.
Time…
Has anyone responding so far actually read this link yet? Seems finding someone else is a bit redundant, seeing as how our friend DirkGntly is married.
Mr. Gntly, I won’t offer you any advice on getting over this woman because, frankly, you wouldn’t like what I have to say.
However, this supposed love of your life might not be too happy to have her full, legal name plastered on the internet, associated with a story about a lurid “secret” affair she had with you! Therefore, the only advice you’ll get from me is to remove any reference to her by her real name, as including it is outrageously inconsiderate to her (and could, in fact, be quite dangerous, seeing as how it took me all of 5 seconds to track down her email address and where she went to high school and what year she graduated).
Shayna makes a couple of good points, but is working from a lack of information - I’m not married anymore. No, it wasn’t because of the relationship in question, but rather, the wife met another guy and he wasn’t quite as “open-minded” as my wife had been with me previously.
Second, yes, it was imprudent for me to post her full name. I should have learned from a similar mistake that caused a great deal of trouble 4 years ago. I’ve corrected the name issue, but something else Shayna doesn’t know is that the e-mail address she mentions is non-functional.
Regardless, there has been a good deal of useful information shared here. Thanks, folks! Oh, and if anyone else wants to post advice, etc., go right ahead! I’ll still be checking in periodically (or until the thread dies somewhere on page 2).
(Whew)…I didn’t want to call attention to this thread when I first read it last night, but, Dirk, I’m very glad you removed your former lover’s name from that webpage.