I’m not qualified for anything at this wedding, except maybe to tend bar, but I have to say, man, is this a steamy thread, without getting tacky.
All hail Anthracite, Queen of Coal!
Una, Darling, I know there is no such thing as a “conversion process”, and can’t imagine you trying to convert anyone, any way. Since my daughter doesn’t read the boards, she will know little of our “virtual” relationship. I did tell her that I amay be getting virtually married to a woman on the board. She rolled her eyes and did the “Maaaaaaaahm”. I guess that means she approves, as much as she approves of anything I do!!!
Damn Anthracite - if only you were a guy! :pant, pant: Alas, I can’t be your virtual bride, since I am rather flamingly heterosexual. However, I’ll make you the same offer I made to Lil*bit: I’ll perform a middle-eastern dance routine for the entertainment of your guests.
**First, general questions:
- What is your favorite cuisine or type of food?** Well, I like Japanese, Cajun, Comfort (oatmeal, buttery toast, mashed potatoes, etc.)
2. Which are smarter - cats or dogs? Cats. No question.
3. Is coal important in your life? I think coal is really interesting. It can be used different ways. It can be bituminous, which is one of my absolute favorite words to say. (Of course, Anthracite is good too! ;)) My favorite thing about it is when I was little and visited my relatives in England, my grandmother had a coal-burning stove. It was so warm in her living room in front of that stove and I have always remembered the smell and I carry it with me as one of the more comforting smells I know. That was way more information than I needed to give. Sorry! I got carried away!
4. What is your favorite author? Hmmm…good question. As depressing as he may be, I am going to have to say William Faulkner. I just love his descriptions and since I’m a southern girl, his settings and stories about families, homes and the like really appeal to me.
5. What is your favorite color? I love hunter green and all the fall-type colors (crimson, pumpkin, burnt sienna, rust, Indian red, yellow)
**Next, relationship questions:
- How long do you “hold” a hug?** It depends on what kind of hug it is. If it is an “I haven’t seen you in so long!” or “This is the first time I have ever met you in real life!”
hug, then I would hold it until I was sure that all the warmth and sincerity I had wanted to convey had sufficiently been transferred to the hugee. If it was an “I’m leaving to go to work” or “Hi, you must be Joe’s friend” hug, then I would hold it just long enough for them to know they had been hugged!
2. Which would you rather do - cuddle under a warm blanket on a sofa in front of a fire, with hot chocolate - or go out to a party with friends, dance, have some drinks, and paint the town red? I am definitely a snuggly, cuddly, roaming hands and feet under a soft fuzzy blanket, sharing some French vanilla hot chocolate while quietly watching the snow fall-kind of person.
3. Will you show affection in public with another woman? I will show affection in public to anyone I feel deserves it–female/male, human/non-human, etc.
4. Are you truly blind to the physical, and appreciate the mind most of all? I don’t believe one can (or should) be truly blind to the physical. If you are, then you will miss the wonderful, amazing, incredible physical beauty that only comes with loving someone with all your heart. I do truly appreciate the mind because the mind is what makes it possible for someone to be truly loved. It is a whole package.
5. Are you a frequent “toucher” (not necessarily in naughty areas)? I am very touchy with people that I like. I do not like people I am not close with to touch me. I believe that touching someone–coming inside their personal space–is a privilege and should be treated as such.
**Finally, naughty questions:
- What makes your toes curl?** Having my head scratched and my neck kissed.
2. Complete this sentence: I love the feel of _______ on my body. the warm skin of someone I love
3. Do you like being nipped during intimacy? Yes, I think it helps keep the senses aware of everything that is going on by briefly distracting from the enveloping waves of pleasure.
4. How often do you need physical relations? I would say that it varies. I definitely need some type of physical relations every day. It does not have to include full-contact nudity, sexual touching or even orgasm. Just a long, deep, soft kiss followed by a meaningful look does it for me for hours! So far as actual “involved” sexual relations, I say that you should experience them as often as the need and desire strikes. There are some days when there is nothing in the world more important than spending the entire day tangled in cool, damp sheets, caressing each other and finding new places to kiss and fondle in between luxurious cat naps while held in each others’ arms. Other times, as long as the day ends with a long, satisfying back rub and some softly intimate kisses in the right places (back of the neck, bend of the elbow, small of the back, inside of ankles) I will be satisfied.
**5. How would you feel about coming home from work each night, being undressed, led to a warm-to-hot Jacuzzi, and allowed to lie in the water for 30 minutes or so to relax your tired muscles. You sip on a cool drink as you lay in the water, powerful inquisitive jets of liquid caressing your most secret places. The water is turned off, and you are helped out of the tub, dried and dusted lightly with talcum powder, and led to a soft bed with satin sheets. You slide into the cool, silky cocoon, and are soon warmed by the body of another, who presses her length against you and starts to rub your silky, fresh skin. Your eyes flutter and close, as you feel smooth hands travel up your arms to attach your wrists to padded restraints at the headboard. Her body lies full on yours, covering and warming you, as her knee gently separates your soft thighs. Your toes curl in anticipation, and you feel a flush spread across your bare chest and neck, and it becomes suddenly difficult to worry about the rigors of the day…
Well, how would you feel about that?** Puurrrrrrrrr…
Oh, it is definitely a compliment! The only reason I referred to you as a consolation prize is because you were not one of the prizes to begin with! You know that if you were up for the prize, I would lie, cheat, steal, maim and mutilate to be the winner!
Well, I’m definitely not a possibility, cuz I’m very male, very straight and very married. I have, however, been best man at a lesbian wedding - the only time I ever danced with the “groom” at a reception!
Anthracite, I have a recently lesbian-divorced best friend I wish you could meet (she doesn’t have a computer). Do you like country music and redneck lesbian girls?
Otherwise, add me to your virtual Pipe band.
evilbeth – willing to “lie, cheat, steal, maim and mutilate to be the winner!” Well, if you weren’t my kind of girl before you sure as shit are NOW!
I have dragonlady, vix, and evilbeth as final candidates. Who do I choose? How do I decide?
Based on the responses to the questions I asked, I would have to rank the contestants in this order:
evilbeth (who also sent me very sweet letter once)
dragonlady and vix tied for second.
Byzantine would be in third, since she didn’t answer any questions. 
But andygirl also recommended dragonlady. However, vix seemed more turned on by my little naughty question number 5…
I wonder how I can make a final decision. It seems like whatever happens, there’s going to be a whole lot of tears…why can’t I just have all these wonderful ladies? Oh, the agony…
Is an erotic photo contest required? Poetry? Best recipe contest?
Any suggestions?
Mom,
Byz and evilbeth are, at this phase, most likely best left to their own devices. Let them be each other’s lust bunnies. It is not best to tinker with their obvious…um…devotion.
Go with vix and dragonlady. Be the Lesbian Triumvirate. It’s going to be beautiful…
And just think, you won’t have to have a mistress. I really believe that this is the best way.
I could be in a book: Heather has two mommies, but check out this household!
<begins to hum the wedding march>
Let me help.
I’m a little concerned about being able to keep up with your more “physical” appetites. From the sounds of you and evilbeth, I’d left in the dust! So, no tears, I’ll offer to be your companion. The person you talk to ABOUT evilbeth! And everything else. An extra set of ears, and arms to listen to you when your pain becomes too much for evilbeth to handle alone. A person with enough baggage to share when you need to be distracted from your own. (I still think we would have a matched set of emotional baggage, and I hate to break up a set!) I’ll be here for you, faithfully, whenever you need me.
LOVE it!
“Andy had three mommies, and sex with her sister!”
That is assuming that you and quietgirl are sisters as well, Anthracite DID say she adopted you both…
Can we get an author?
I’m sure an illistrator will be popping up any second!
ILLUSTRATOR!!!
You know, pictures!!!
Yeeeeehaaawww!
I like some country music - does K.D. Lang count? But I loooooove redneck girls…
Oh.
My.
God.
Let us never, ever speak of that again.
(Incidentally, quietgirl is Una’s adopted daughter in law.) Parents, yeesh.
BTW, it’s not evilbeth being the third, it’s vix. Unless you want a quatrumvirate? Er… and if we bring Byz in, a cincumvirate?
But Una ranks evilbeth first.
I guess she at least gets a vote!
And UNA SAID she adopted BOTH of you. Perhaps that does need rethinking!
Y’know, Anth, maybe the best girl for you isn’t a girl at all. How about the dad from October Sky, whose obsession with coal might actually rival your own. Oh, wait, he was a fictional character. Well, actually he was based on a real person. Hmm, but that person died of black lung disease in 1976.
Yeah, maybe you’re better off with the lesbians.
Not to influence anyone here or anything, but I live smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, I drive a truck and have been known on occasion to open a can of whoop ass on people…
Well, since it seems sort of late to jump in, and I’m straight (sorry Una!), can I be the wedding singer? I have a gorgeous voice.
Since vix, evilbeth and dragonlady are the ones that have continued on pursuing me to the altar, I have decided to narrow the choice down to two of them. And the odd gal out can perhaps find love in the kind arms of Byzantine…
Let’s assume all of these ladies start out on an equal footing.
Next, let’s try first to rank the contenders based on the answers to the 15 questions. Each question gets a ranking of 1 to 10. Of course, evilbeth waited until I had posted my answers, so hers might be bised somewhat in order to win. Therefore, I’m deducting 10% from her answers.
Questions ranked below 5 mean that they do not agree with me that well, 5 means it is ambiguous, and towards 10 mean agree with me the most. So a “5” is not a bad score, just means it may not matter
General Questions:
-
What is your favorite cuisine or type of food?
vix: 9
dragonlady: 8
evilbeth: 9 -
Which are smarter - cats or dogs?
vix: 7
dragonlady: 10
evilbeth: 10 -
Is coal important in your life?
vix: 5
dragonlady: 5
evilbeth: 9 (wow!) -
What is your favorite author?
vix: 6
dragonlady: 6
evilbeth: 6 -
What is your favorite color?
vix: 5
dragonlady: 7
evilbeth: 9
Relationship questions:
-
How long do you “hold” a hug?
vix: 10
dragonlady: 7
evilbeth: 7 -
Which would you rather do - cuddle under a warm blanket on a sofa in front of a fire, with hot chocolate - or go out to a party with friends, dance, have some drinks, and paint the town red?
vix: 8
dragonlady: 8
evilbeth: 9 -
Will you show affection in public with another woman?
vix: 9
dragonlady: 6
evilbeth: 9 -
Are you truly blind to the physical, and appreciate the mind most of all?
vix: 8
dragonlady: 8
evilbeth: 9 -
Are you a frequent “toucher” (not necessarily in naughty areas)?
vix: 8
dragonlady: 9
evilbeth: 7
Finally, naughty questions:
-
What makes your toes curl?
vix: 9
dragonlady: 7
evilbeth: 7 -
Complete this sentence: I love the feel of _______ on my body.
vix: 6
dragonlady: 6
evilbeth: 9 (but it sounds awfully similar to my answer…hmm…) -
Do you like being nipped during intimacy?
vix: 8
dragonlady: 7
evilbeth: 7 -
How often do you need physical relations?
vix: 7
dragonlady: 8
evilbeth: 9 (due to descriptions that made me pant…) -
(The long, erotic question)
vix: 8
dragonlady: 7
evilbeth: 8
So, weighting all scores evenly, and averaging, we get:
vix : 7.53
dragonlady: 7.27
evilbeth: 8.26
Even if I deduct 10% for having my answers as unconscious examples, I still get evilbeth with a score of 7.43.
Of course, the questions were a bit off of the cuff. But dragonlady, I think mybe you will have to either make a stronger case, or start working on oiling up Byzantine’s body…
No offense Byz, but my heart longed for Anthracite.
And I’m sure that either evilbeth or vix would be happy to oil you!