ok, you you are in love with a friend.....now what?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Ah, what the hell, here’s my story:

I started dating a girl a couple years ago who at the time was more of a friendly acquaintance than a friend when we began dating. Obviously we became closer and got to know each other much better as we dated, but things didn’t work out (I won’t go into the details on that part) and we broke up. It was amicable enough, but still tough. We didn’t talk alot afterwards, even though we still hung out with the same group of people often. She started dating another guy, and I just didn’t feel comfortable around her then.

Fast forward to the present. We are both single and very good friends. We do a lot of things together again, though not one on one, always in a group setting. We are probably better friends now than ever before. Thing is, I still love her. Does she know? I would think so, others have told me it’s obvious, but I haven’t come right out and told her. At this point I don’t think I will. I don’t want to go back to the point where we don’t feel comfortabale around each other, so I guess for now I’ll take what I can get.

22

Hi, I’m pretty new here but I’d like to add a happy ending story. =) I fell in love with one of my friends while we were pledging a (co-ed professional) fraternity together. At first things were great, then she caught inklings of my feelings towards her. At the same time, people kept making comments about our “closeness,” which really annoyed her. So she decided to boycott me, which pissed me off. We didn’t kick it much for a while after that, but then came winter break. I guess she had a change of heart (she didn’t have anybody to really hang out with over the break, so she was a little lonely) and gave me a second chance (to be her friend). We began to spend almost every minute together, and then one night… =) She says I grew on her like a fungus (whatever works, right?). Anyways, we’re still together after a year and a half, and things are great. So great, I felt totally comfortable to leave Los Angeles for the summer for a good internship at an investment bank out in New York. I’m having a great time, but man I can’t wait to go home…

23

Happy endings are possible. I have never been on your side of this equation, but I was on teh receiving end.

A good friend of mine lusted/loved me for years. I had no clue. To her, it was apparently obvious, blatant clue signs hanging everywhere, incriminating emotions in plain sight, etc. What can I say? I’m a guy – we don’t do subtle.

This continued through college. She transfered to another school (but stayed in the same area). We would get together a couple times a month, always with a goup of friends. I thought she was cool. I occassionally had sexual fantasies about her, but she was a friend. I never even thought about crossing that line. She, apparently, was harboring much deeper passions of her own.

Finally, about 5 years after we met and became friends, she grabbed me in a pool and demonstrated quite thoroughly that I should have been paying closer attention to her. Her argument was very persuasive.

In a couple of weeks, we fly to Autralia for our 5th wedding anniversary.

She seems hapy with the result. I know I am. Falling in love with a good friend rocks on soooooo many levels.

24

THAT my friend is why I come here.

I love you.

It hadnt occorred to me that my being obviously in love might not register…

25

I must of missed something here. Aren’t you supposed to be friends first?

26

Kelli, honey, if you truly love him, then you have no choice but to tell him. That is, if you’d like to take your relationship to the next level.

The love that could evolve is worth the possible hurt you may experience if he doesn’t feel the same way. Just think if you waited 5 years and then had a drunken night where you exclaimed that you’ve loved him forever. Then he says, "Oh my God, I’ve loved you too!!! Then you realize you could’ve spent the last 5 years getting busy and could even be married by now!

I worked with a friend for about 6 months and developed a crush on him. I was in a casual relationship at the time, and then realized that I had feelings for my co-worker. I broke things off with the boyfriend, and asked co-worker to meet me for drinks after work. He did. That was 6 years ago, and we have a 3 year old son together! Success!

Good luck. I know it is scary, but life is just too short to not act on your feelings. :slight_smile:

27

Kelllibelli, you should come clean to your friend. It is worth the pain to know definitively how he feels. Besides, he might share the same feelings for you.

When I went to college I made a friend freshman year and we did everything together. We became as close as two people could be without getting romantic. During the next few years we both had various girlfriends/boyfriends. Then gradually I realized that my feelings for her went beyond friendship and I had fallen in love with her. Then one night we got drunk and slept toghether. Afterwards we talked about it and she was reluctant to jeopardize our friendship so she wanted to remain friends. It was difficult after that to see her with other guys, particularly if they were not right for each other. And being with other girls was hard because I wanted to be with her. Then shortly before we graduated I talked to her again. During the time since our night together she realized that she had feelings for me as well. She was quietly hoping that I still had feelings for her and we could get together romantically, but she was afraid I was bitter and anry and would reject her. We finally did get together and have never been apart since. We have been married 8 years and will be together forever (or until one of us dies). It’s great to be married to your best friend.
John

28

Sorry if I’m not enough of a romantic, but how do you develop passionate love for a social friend such that it is of a strength that you fear disclosing it? And, if they are truly a close friend, why would your disclosing your honest feelings to them hurt your relationship? What else do you hide from your best friends?

I knew my wife socially for several months, maybe a year before we ever dated. I introduced her to my friends, and she went out with more than one of them for a while. We used to go out together socially in groups of various sizes, occasionally but not usually just the 2 of us - she had boyfriends most of the time before we became a couple. Then I decided to ask her out for a date. That was a couple of weeks affter she had broken up with a friend of mine after going out with him for maybe 3-5 months. This August will be our 15th anniversary.

I think it borders on irresponsible and reprehensible to develop amorous feelings of such depth towards an intimate friend without letting them in on it. So if you have already let it go too far before clueing your friend in on it, let them know now before it gets worse. Look at it compared to the alternatives. You either tell them or not.

If you tell them, they will:
a. fall in love with you (perhaps unlikely, but possible, and asking is the most straightforward way to explore this possibility)
b. decline and you remain friends (perhaps most likely - why will your friend resent your honesty, as long as when they say drop the mushy stuff, you do?)
c. decline and your friendship is less strong than before, and perhaps irreparably harmed (don’t think this would be the case with any of my good friends, male or female, unless I acted bothersome either before or after declaring my intentions)

If you do not:
a. they declare their love for you, either through interpreting your unspoken intentions or through independent inspiration (unlikely IMO)
b. they remain blissfully ignorant, causing you to become increasingly frustrated/tormented/… (my vote for most likely)
c. you are eventually separated, and you anguish over what might have been (why chance it?)

It is most likely your love will be unrequited if the object of your affection is unaware of it’s very existence.
I have a hard time imagining being offended by someone being honest with me, or expressing affectionate feelings towards me. If I told them I did not reciprocate on that level, and they did not accept that, that would be a problem.

Also, need not be presented as “Love me NOW!” Could be, “Do you see us becoming more intimately/romantically involved?” Maybe right now they’ll think they want to remain friends, and perhaps months/years later when they tire of their available dating pool, they’ll remember what they passed up, and might try to rekindle flames.

I’m rambling now.

29

I’m not a subtle person, and he has always known me a lil too well, so he figured it out before I told him. And when I finally came right out and told him “I’m falling for you,” he just said, “I know”

I think he was interested, but he did have a girlfriend, and I thought they were pretty serious. When I told him I was falling for him, he just said “Thank you” but he didn’t even hint at dumping his GF for me.

I gave him a whole speech over the phone, telling him exactly what was going on.

It was definately worse to be away from him. Even though it hurt me that he had a GF, and everything, I couldn’t avoid him. I missed him too much when he was gone.

Anyway, I loved him (Still do) very very much. I wanted him, and I was agressive about it. I sent him presents, I called him, and I asked him out. I wasn’t pushy, but I wasn’t going to let him go without a fight. About 2 weeks after I told him I loved him, he broke up with his GF, and a week later, he asked me to “Be his”. Well, that’ll be two years ago this August 6, and we are still in love and happy, and plan to get married in the not to near future.

30

This thread makes me think of a poem. It dexcribes the situation well. Let me share it. What do you think?

“Hidden” by Naomi Shihab Nye

If you place a fern
under a stone
the next day it will be
nearly invisible
as if the stone has
swallowed it.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.

No one sees
the fuel that feeds you.

31

That was beautiful Welfy, just perfect.

My situation is complicated (arent they all?) see, the object of my love is not merely a friend of mine… he is my younger brothers best friend, they are like brothers. He is the god father of my neice, an unnofficial ‘uncle’ to all my brothers 4 children. He loves those kids like they were his own. At 30, he wonders if he will ever have any of his own, my neices and nephews have become the closest thing for him. He spends most of his spare time with my brother, my sis-inlaw, and the kids. He would suffer tremendously if anything happened to break the bond with them… anything like me & him hooking up and it not working out.

side note I placed a personal ad MONTHS ago, and HE replied to it. When I explained that I was Kelli, and we should go out sometime, he said ‘NO’, he didnt want anything to come between him & my brothers family. BUT we have gone to movies lately, 3 of them, and we hang out at my brothers ALOT.
Well… I told my sis-in-law! It wasnt as hard as I thought it would be, it just eased out. She knew I liked him, but she had no idea how bad it was. She will keep me informed now of stuff on the ‘inside’. I cant just come right out and tell him yet, it might make him uncomfortable if he doesnt share my interest, and he might feel awkward around my family… I couldnt do that to him. Now that I have my sis-in-law keepiong an eye on things too, maybe we can discern a clue to how he feels. She thinks I should just keep seeing him socially like we have been, and see if he comes around on his own.

You Dopers would love him.

32

kelli, not to trivialize your situation, but it doesn’t really sound like there’s a problem. Your friend has already stated what he prefers his relationship to be with you, so there’s no need to go any further.

I think you should try to enjoy the fact that you have someone you can have a really good time with. You don’t find many folks like that. And, if in time, he realizes he feels the same way about you, so much the better.

Keep your chin up, kid. We’re always here for you.

33

A_Gorilla:

That scene is from “A Bronx Story.” And she does open the door for him. A short time later his mentor is shot and dies, I think. Great movie. I highly recommend it.

I think it was Paul McCartney who said that the best thing about being married was that it was to his best friend. He loved her, but he also liked her.

As for telling my friend I loved her, yeah I did. Over the phone. About a month and a half later she stopped writing me for different reasons.

End result: at most she’s a friend. I doubt now that I even loved her. I think I said it to get her to care enough about me to see how much she was hurting herself. Yes, I knwo that makes 0 sense.

Kelli, tell him you love him. Write it down beforehand if you know it’ll be difficult. He deserves to know and you can’t not tell him.

34

And of course right before I post that kelli posts her spiel . . .

You may have to settle (like you’ll really mind . . . ) for being friends for a while.

I personally have no advice, as I’ve never been in this kind of situation. Sorry.

35

well, if you want another depressing story, here goes. at the begining of this year, i was hiding my feelings for a friend of mine. So much so that i brought him to a dance, and he was so oblivious that he hooked up with a friend of mine that night, and went out with her for about 2 months. He even brought me with them as a third wheel on my birthday. My guy friend never figured it out, but my girlfriend was a little suspicious. Ot was hard watching them together, but i never faltered from my role as the supportive friend to both of them. It was even to the point that my guy friend wanted to break up with her, and he spent all of our homecoming dance talking to me about it. Bit then one day before he had a chance to break up with her, we ended up hooking up. After that it was never the same. I ruined 2 friendships, and i ended up alone in the end. I reallized that my guy friend was not all that i thought he was and i should have never allowed things to happen with him. But its too late now. Damn, now im depressed too. But kelli, if it means risking your friendship, i would say that you should NOT try to get anything deeper out of it.
::: Steps down off the soapbox :::

36

Im far more likely to SHOW a person that I love them, rather than just tell them. Words are cheap.

37

Well, to resurrect this thread…since I can’t see starting another one on the same subject.

I have, within the last few weeks realized that I am completely in love with a good friend.( no it is not the same friend from Sex for the sake of Sex )

He is dating someone. Another friend says she know that he has the same feelings for me, because of the way he acts. But I feel like I can’t really go for it while he is seeing someone. But I want to so badly. But I am afraid that I will lose a friend. And yes, I’ve read all the posts here. I know what I am risking if I don’t tell, and I know what I am risking if I don’t. sigh I’m going to do it. I think I have to.

Yuck. Why does love stink so much.

38

Well, this is not a good sign.

I’m probably the last person who should be giving romantic advice, but unfortunatly this is one of my areas of study, anyway . . .

Yeah, it’s going to be awkward if he’s not interested. And proably even if he is.

But if he is your friend, he’d be willing to accept a certain amount of awkwardness if he knew that this was really bothering you.

And if he says no, you have to accept it and deal with it. Normally I’d suggest staying away for a couple of weeks to get your head together. That sounds like it’s going to be difficult based on your situation, though.

Don’t worry about “ruining the friendship.” If you’ve gone beyond the “he’s cute and nice, he’d make a good boyfriend” stage, and it’s really bothering you, the nature of the relationship has already changed.

You have to either decide not to pursue this, and get over it, or persue it and get over it, happy ending or no. :slight_smile:

–
Why is there no good word for an SO between adults? SO sounds to clinical, boy/girlfriend sounds juvinile, lover isn’t appropriate until the relationship gets to a certain point . . .

39

For the record, I went with thre ‘get over it’.

If I tell him, we either get to gether, or not. If we dont, he might feel awkward around my brother and family, ot to mention me.

If we did, I would mess it up eventually anyway - and the fallout would be incredible, and tragic.

So, while I still get all fluttery when I see him, I chalk it up to ‘not meant to be’. He is just too connected to my family.

40

Okay, an update on my part. Nothing’s happened between my friend and myself. :frowning: I still love him and my heart aches every single time I’m near him. I still want to be with him more than anything.

::anxiously awaiting the day I suddenly become “brave”::