Okay, so what should I do about the gal I've been dating?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

malkavia, I ain’t dead, yet, fer chrissakes! One of the things I liked about her was that we both enjoyed talking about the same things and doing the same things. Hell, I drink more than she does (but not to the point where I should worry about becoming an alky)! I enjoy having a good time, and I’d even be willing to learn how to dance, if that’s what it took. I know lots of people who have huge age differences in their relationships and are quite happy. I’ve got a buddy who’s never dated a woman younger than he is. Me, I’ve been split about 50/50. I’ve even told her that if all she wants to be is friends, I’m happy with that. Crazy and foolish of me, probably, but the simple fact is that I know of no one female or male that I have as much in common with as I do her! I can talk about things like religion (we both have the same views on it) with her, whereas all my other friends fall into either religion=totally evil or Christianity=the only true religion and if you dare question anything about it you’re going to hell.

I was content (not really, but I was willing to settle for this) for us just being friends, but she’s the one that started pushing me to tell her how I felt, so I did, and here all my troubles began.

What steams my clams so much is that I busted my ass for her. I plead guilty for wrecking nearly every other relationship, and this time I kept my nose clean, complimented her when I was supposed to, behaved myself, did everything I possibly could do, because I wanted this one to work out. If it had come down to we were incompatable or something else similar to that, fine. I gave it my best shot, I can go on. But to be clobbered in the beginning because, “I’m afraid that I might hurt you.” Good Christ! I’ve had my heart broken, what, 30 times now? If you don’t want me, not interested in me, fine tell me, but don’t spend a couple of hours making out with me and then bail out on the whole thing. Especially if you’ve told me you love me! Grrr

22

34 year old female perspective here; you sound like a real catch - to me now, but not to the me I was 14 years ago. I don’t think I would recognize the 20 year old me if I met me coming down the street. If she’s anything like me, my sisters, and all my friends, she will change A LOT in the next 10 years. I don’t mean to depress you any more, but if you had met her when she already was 30 and had her head together, she probably would have been your match. But, she hasn’t travelled that road yet. And you have. Keep on looking for someone who wants you as much as you want them; in my vast experience (ha!), when it works, it works.

23

featherlou I appreciate the advice, but cripes! The women I meet my age (or close to it) have no real interest in me. At least not the ones with brains. I’m scraping by financially (thank god for the American educational system!), and all the ones in this festering swamp who’ve got as many brain cells functioning as I do, make waaay more money than I do, and don’t see why they should take an interest in me, when there’s so many guys out there with money to burn. Yeah, I know, I should move, but if I could afford to do that, well, I wouldn’t be spending my Saturdays posting here.

24

TUCKERFAN, the 20-year-old me would have been very flattered a guy of your age (our age) was interested in me. I would have wanted to see just how interested you were and might pressed you about it a little, and I might have enjoyed the thrill of knowing I had a real adult male (a MAN) on the string. I might have been in love with the idea of being in love (or with the idea of being loved), and I might have played with your affections a little – intentionally or not – by telling you that I loved you. (Which I would probably have meant at the time I said it, which doesn’t necessarily mean it would have been true.)

But, if I was 20 and you had any sense, you would know that my true feelings were at best ambivalent by the fact that I was blowing hot and cold and acting “flaky.” A woman who truly cared for you (of any age) would not be so indecisive and wouldn’t blow you off. I think the writing’s on the wall there.

One last thing – if I was 20 and I blew you off and you hunted me down at the place I hang out at, I might feel a little guilty but I’d also be a little unsettled and maybe desperately wondering how I can get you to get a clue without hurting your feelings. If I was 32 and you did that (and I am), it would piss me off. But then, I wouldn’t have blown you off in the first place because it’s rude.

25

Jodi, you’re probably right. Sigh.

26

I’m hesitant to mention this, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but Tuckerfan, you sound a little negative to me. They say that desperation is unattractive, but that’s true for negativity also. Speaking from personal experience, negativity was one of my screening factors; a guy demonstrated more than average negativity, and he was history. It didn’t matter to me what kind of problems he was dealing with; we all have problems, and what I was interested in was how he was dealing with them.

I don’t know if you’re just negative here on the boards where it really doesn’t matter, or if you are negative in real life also. If you are somewhat negative in real life, this may be showing through to the women you are interested in. There you go, more advice that you are free to take to any degree that it makes sense to you or ignore completely if it sounds like a big, steaming pile to you :).

27

and remind me never to start a thread about a relationship. it seems to be an invitation to get criticized mercilessly. well, not entirely mercilessly i suppose.

but to call Tuckerfan negative at this point? just hours ago he was being called a stalker because he had optimism about the relationship and thought he needed to put in more effort. now he’s a defeatist?

i revise my advice. go with your instincts, man. it’s just a thing. it’s just life. just do whatever you do and feel good about it.

28

You want her, and she knows you want her. Ergo, you’re not a challenge and therefore not interesting to her.

You have two choices here: one, drop all visible interest in her, don’t pay much attention to her, and even tell her that you’re not interested in her anymore. There’s a slim chance that she’ll be intrigued by your indifference, question her own desirability, and make a play for you to regain some self esteem.

Or, you can drop her altogether. This is the much better choice. If you keep being available to her, spending money on her, treating her like a girlfriend who won’t put out, she’ll keep wiping her feet on you. Better you should drop her and run away now, spare yourself a few years of being a chump.

Chicks Suck
“I Just Want To Be Friends”

29

Tuckerfan, I apologize for being a jerk in my previous post and for insulting you when you were just asking for advice. I didn’t read your OP closely and took a cheap shot at you for no good reason. Talk about being overbearing and having limited social skills!

Anyway, no matter how smart she is or how Linux-savvy she may be, if she’s immature enough that she breaks a date with you in order to hang out with someone else she’s very far away from being able to have a decent relationship with anyone. I sympathize with you and wish you the best.

30

Now, don’t be hard on featherlou. She’s saying I’m sounding negative because I said that women my own age aren’t interested in me because I don’t have the proverbial pot to pee in. And to anyone who hasn’t spent much time in Nashville, I’m certain that it sounds that way. But to anyone who lives, here, its a different matter entirely. Nashville’s a very stratified town. There’s almost no counter culture here, and next to no culture here as well. So what you’ve got is a population where a huge number are fundies (we’re in the bible belt, remember), country fans (with some overlapping of fundies), the dreaded norms, and a small minority of people who would actually dig something like the SDMB. Yeah, I know there’s clubs, but as I stated before, I can’t dance, so there’s no point in me going there (and most of them play warmed over top-40 crap anyways). So, anyone in this town who has brains, generally latches on to anyone else they can find with brains, and doesn’t let 'em go. I’m not just talking about love relationships, either. I’ve got friends who, in truth, I really can’t stand, but I keep them because they’re the only people I’ve met that I can talk to about things other why the Titans football team is the greatest in the world (I hate sports, BTW), or why Garth is the greatest. You cannot imagine what its like to live here and not find anyone who knows who Philip Glass is, or Tom Waits, or Laurie Anderson, or 90% of the other things I enjoy.

Look, I knew this relationship was probably going to be a losing proposition when I started it, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t try. Christ! Its been over a year since my last girlfriend, and its not because I wasn’t looking. Its because the kind of women I like are extremely hard to find in this area. I’ll pick myself up and I’ll go on, and no doubt be back here posting a smiliar question in another year or so.

Really, all I wanted to know is should I keep going after her or not, because as I’ve said, its been over a year since my last girlfriend (Hell, I haven’t even met a girl who interests until I met this one!) and if there was a reasonable chance that I could turn this thing around I wanted to know! Because, despite her flaws, I enjoyed the time I spent with her, and don’t miss the money I shelled out on her, because of how long its been since I could go to dinner with someone and talk about “The Simpsons,” mediation, and all the other things we talked about. And hell, she was easy on the eyes, and a great kisser.

I swear, one of these days I’m gonna write a book about all this!

31

Well, I’m afraid I’m with Max Torque.

I admit it’s hard to judge these things accurately from afar, but I gotta say… the vibe I’m getting here is “not really interested.” And “too nice to tell you off.”

You have a couple choices, I think…

  • Give it up. Tell her it was nice knowing her and maybe you’ll see her around sometime. It’s going to hurt. You’re going to be angry. That’s okay, that’s what happens during a break-up. (Which this is for you, though not for her.)

  • “Just be friends”. This option I do not recommend, because you seem to be fixated on this girl. But if you can see her as just another drinking buddy (well, okay, she’s 20 so she can’t legally drink yet, but you understand) then maybe you can continue to hang around with her. I don’t think you can do this with this particular woman. I think this path will lead to you constantly being torn up inside every time you see her. You’re really better off with the
    give it up approach. There are a very few people who can turn on and off their romantic interest. Most of us cannot. Unrequieted love is the most miserable state on the planet. You are doing nobody any favors wallowing in it.
    Oh yeah… if, after you say “nice knowing you” to her,
    if she lays the old “can’t we still be friends” line on you… RUN. Every fiber of your being will yearn to reconcile with her. Don’t do it! RUN. Do it for your sanity, possibly your life. What she’s saying is, “Won’t you
    continue to be a total miserable wreck, self-esteem-less, mopey, hangdog pathetic bastard so I can feel like I didn’t do anything wrong by leading you on?” Just say NO. And RUN.
    -Ben

32

I’ve pretty much decided to bag the whole deal, and chalk it up to experience as much as I hate to do that. There’s really no point in me going on with this thing as either:

A. I’ll be the one putting all the work into the relationship, and that sucks

or

B. I’ll just be tearing myself up over a lost cause.

None of this, of course, is the result I wanted, but that’s life, I suppose.

33

IMHO, the fact that she is the only female who knows what Linux is shouldn’t really be playing a part here. And she sounds like she’s flaking on you.

And for those of you concerned about age, meet my two aunts: aunt 1 married when she was 22 to a man in his mid thirties (1960), aunt 2 married at 26 to a 40-year-old man (1972). And cousin 1 married at 23 to a 32-year-old man (two years ago?). All three still married.

34

iampunha, I used the fact that she’s knows what Linux is (and how to pronounce it) as an example of how bright she is, and how unlike the 99% of the women I meet are. I realize that this might be hard for people to grasp who don’t live here, but, really, most people like myself who’re transplanted Southerners (I’m originally from Ohio) consider the movie Deliverence to be a documentary. I realize that there are places around the country where women like her a probably as common as trees. Here, they ain’t. That’s what makes this whole thing so tough.

35

Tuckerfan, sounds like you do have a good grasp on life’s essentials. My motivation in questioning your negativity was to maybe hold up a mirror to you and see if you saw something there that you hadn’t realized before. Sorry if my intentions were not clear; I certainly didn’t mean to kick you while you were down. I hope you find your companion soon; heck, I hope that for everyone on these boards who is single and doesn’t want to be.

36

featherlou, I didn’t take it as you trying to kick me. I know that one of the worst things I could do is whine and cry and say that I’ll never find another woman like her (not that I want one exactly like her :wink: ), etc. Its just a sad fact that around here, there’s not really too many places where brainy people can socialize (and the ones I do know about are generally populated by my ex-girlfriends which makes going there awkward). One of these days I’ll find a decent woman, but the wait gets wearing on the nerves.