Right, this isn’t a “I need relationship advice” question exactly. I mean, the gal’s 20 and knows what Linux is, so she’s not stupid! This is probably going to be kind of rambling as I’ve been hitting the scotch kind of hard, but I’ll do my best to remain coherent.
Anyways, I’ve been trying for months to get her to think of me as more than a friend, and I’ve really, really been working at it. Most of my past relationships I can blame myself for causing them to implode, this time, I swore that things would be different. And they have, thankfully, but a new problem’s cropped up and this one I have no clue as how to handle. She can’t make up her mind about what to do. She’s afraid of commitment (I haven’t asked her for one), she’s afraid that she’ll screw things up, and there’s lots of more interesting guys with more money and closer to her age (I’m 32) that are chasing after her. She’s flaked out on me several times and I’ve written the whole thing off, swearing that I’ll never call her again (but I do, and I’ve never done that for anyone else), more times than I care to think about. She’s supposed to come over and spend the day with me tomorrow, but my money’s on that she’s going to chicken out and not show up. So what should I do? Should I continue to go after her (bear in mind she’s the only female I’ve met IRL who knows what Linux is) or should I just forget her?
If she doesn’t show up, I know where she’ll go to hang out (and most likely who she’ll be hoping to see and it ain’t me). So should I go there and see her and what should I say? At this point, I’m half tempted to call her up and play Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” for her answering machine. The reasons I don’t want to give up on her are because she’s very intelligent, and I haven’t met any woman as smart as she is in at least a year, and I do love her (damn it). I haven’t slept with her as yet because one of the mistakes I’ve made in the past is in hopping in the sack too early in the relationship and this time I wanted to avoid that. Grrrr. Somebody gimme an answer. I’m totally clueless on this whole thing. Thanks.
She ain’t interested! What part of the word N-O do you not understand?
Move on, now! Hey, I’m a guy and I’ve heard them all.
Just looking after your best interests, you understand. I do not want to come off mean. But if she is playing with you this way she’s a bitch who you are better off without. Trust me on this. MOVE ON!!!
(Are you spending a lot of money on her? If you are you’re a sucker, nuff said…)
Hell, man, that’s what my gut tells me to do, but like that episode of Seinfeld where George goes against his instincts and everything works out great, I’ve been doing the opposite of what I think I should do and thing’s have worked. Any money I’ve spent on her is inconsequential as I’m grateful for anyone who understands half the things I like to talk about. (And she does! Trust me, you can’t fake understanding about some of the things we’ve talked about.) I probably should move on, but that’s the easy way out, and I’ve done that so many times in the past (of course, I’ve also wasted a lot of time worrying about women who weren’t worth my time), which makes me hesitate to just bail this time. Grrr. Where’s a magic 8-ball when you need one?
I’m a 20 year old male, so I have a little experience with 20 year old females, and I totally agree with Daemon. I don’t think most 20 year old girls even know what they want in life. Regardless of whether you’ve asked for a commitment, it’s still sort of an implied thing, and that’s a big step for someone to take especially with a person who’s 12 years older than her. You being that much older probably gives you a lot more emotional life experience. Although, that may not show up now, it could certainly crop up later. You haven’t even had sex with her, and a lot of times it seems like relationships change after that, and there’s all sorts of different emotions. So my advice, let it go, there’s 6 billion people on the Earth, and women are in the majority, you’ll find another girl who knows about Linux. Hope it works out, whatever you do.
You are being absurd (read your post again when you’ve sobered up) and starting to sound like an incipient stalker. She was a teenager last year and you’re 32. Would you want your 20 year old daughter dating a posessive, hovering old fart like you?
This “she’s the only gal I’ve met who understands linux” mantra you keep repeating as the apex of female attractiveness is just too goopy geeky weird for words (and I’m a hardware geek!)
Oh course she’s ambivalent about you. You’re trying to pester her into liking you. I surprised she’s still hanging with you. Prescription RX: Less Jolt cola more real world. Take twice daily.
Tuckerfan, in the interest of equal time, I’d like to weigh in with an opposing viewpoint.
Regarding the age difference, if it doesn’t matter to her, then it doesn’t matter, period. If you care for her, then you shouldn’t give up just yet. Regret can be a difficult thing to live with. If indeed a committment is an implied thing and you don’t need one, you should say so, in as many words. Now with that said, be realistic. If you’re beating a dead horse, then give it up.
the whole “you’re a stalker dude, back off” thing is taking it a bit too far, i think. but i think its also going overboard in the other direction to say that this is something you might regret not going after.
in my mind, from what you’ve said, it’s pretty simple. if you’ve been friends with her for a long time, and you’ve been actively trying to make that relationship into something more, and if she’s aware of your intentions, and she’s resisting, then your answer is very clear. it’s a tough thing to do, but be the mature one and let it go before you have a problem.
the reason i emphasize that she must be aware of your intent before you walk away, though, is that in my opinion that’s the only thing you’ll probably end up regretting. if she knows what you want and it’s not happening and you don’t know what to do, walking away will cause little long-term regret, in the scheme of things. if, however, you’ll be looking back on this experience in some months (or years) and saying, “if i had only made myself clear to her…” that’s what’ll really hurt. so ask yourself that question-- have you expressed clearly to her what you want out of the relationship-- and if the answer’s no, then you’ve got room for improvement. but if you have done that, and she’s responding with this hesitation and “flaky” bit, then you know what to do.
guys, don’t charge on the guy because he likes Linux or he likes a young girl. just give him good advice!
You’re wookin’ por nub in all the wrong places, my friend.
Perhaps if you back off, and concentrate on going out and having fun with other people, she’ll miss you and realize she does want to be with you. If not, then you’ll be going out and having fun with other people anyway, so you won’t care.
Uh, she knows exactly how I feel about her. She even claims to feel the same way, that’s why I’m ripped up about this. And hell, I didn’t know what I wanted when I was 20, so I know what she’s going through. I also know that I’ve met exactly one other person with her positive qualities in my life and I let her get away. I hate to make the same mistake twice. As for being a stalker, duh, I don’t do things like that, that’s why I was asking. My first girlfriend had a psychotic for a father, so I know first-hand about that crap, and that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t pursued a lot of women heavily, because I’ve been worried about coming off as some kind of deranged lunatic. In any case, she’s an hour late, so I’m guessing she ain’t coming.
Ah, come on, quit giving Tuckerfan a hard time about his age. Im more than ten years older than him & I have some real cuties under 20 in my little harem. Plenty of 40+ year old women are flakes too.
Tuckerfan, find out what the woman wants & see if you can give it to her. Try being a little indirect, you know, don’t ask her ‘what do you like’ but ask her ‘what do guys do that you like?’. Some women just flake, it seems to be there control trip it’s up to you if you like the way they run their control trip.
Was anyone else reminded of that IBM commercial where the two spacesuited programmers from another dimension encounter this really cute, statuesque blond girl who rattles off her areas of technical expertise until one of the suits elbows the other, revealing that she is only a figment of his overexcited imagination?
::elbow elbow::
There are plenty of smart, nay brilliant, women out there whose intellectual horizons are not horribly constricted by a Linux knowledge deficit. If you’re not meeting them, then you need to turn off your PC, lay off the Scotch, and do something to develop your social skills.
It’s unkind to characterize her reaction as “flaking out” when you’re being so overbearing. She’s just not mature enough to tell you flat out that she’s not interested in you as anything other than a friend.
Hell, Allworthy I’m not being overbearing. I’ve done everything I can to not be overbearing. I haven’t pressured her for anything, I’ve been the perfect gentleman. Perhaps that’s my problem. “Flaking out” BTW is her description and she’s done that with other people, so I should know better than to expect I should be lucky enough to get different treatment.
I’ve got plenty of social skills, my friend, as I’ve worked desperately to develop them as I really wanted a chance with this one. The issue isn’t social skils (okay, I admit that I can’t dance, but that’s about the only handicap), its as I put it in this thread I can only find one with two brain cells rubbing together about once a year. Which sucks beyond belief.
As a girl in my early twenties, I’ve got a pretty good grasp on how “flaky” and inconsistant we can be. But yes, we dont like to hurt people’s feelings. And its an age where we having quite figured out that “leading people on” hurts people alot more in the long run. If you notice her chickening out on spending time alone with you, I’d just write her off as a pal and seek someone a bit more mature.
And even if you ended up with her, it would only be a matter of time before you started acting 32 and she started acting 20 and when that happens, she’ll cheat and party and “live a little”. And you wont understand because you’ll have already been there and gone. I dont trust big age difference either. No matter how mature she seems, she’s still only 20. And she has a 20 year olds perspective on things and a 20 year olds experience to draw from.
You’re setting yourself up big time here, sweetie. But I expect you to follow through at all costs. People never take advice when its not what they wanted to hear. So just try to be strong enough to let go gracefully when the time comes, eh?
marry me?
in all seriousness Tuckerfan, Malkavia’s got it exactly right. 100%. she was so right, in fact, that i shouldn’t be making this post, as i have nothing to add. she’s said it all. good to the last drop. i keep trying to think of something to add and realizing that i’d just be restating or paraphrasing something she’s just said.
so instead of doing that that, i’ll restate something that I’ve said. Dude, you’ve got social skills, you’re not overbearing, you’ve got a way with the ladies, it’s all true. but it doesn’t matter. she knows you like her and she’s giving you the brush-off. take it like a man. buy her flowers… yellow ones, for friendship. take her out… to lunch… at burger king. buy her some chocolate… snickers bars, after your jogging date where you both get sweaty and nasty-looking (don’t be thinking about how great she looks even when she’s sweaty and nasty) and talk about past relationships. or whatever. just get the picture, and be cool about it.
that said, if you’ve lost your shit you’ve lost it. and lord i know what that’s like. and if you’re gonna do it, do it right. take it right where it hurts. chase that skirt, and die when she breaks your heart. you know we’ll all be here to catch you.