Some years ago, I heard a speaker talk about the way men and women deal with emotion that made so much sense to me. The person said, when it comes to difficult emotions, men compartmentalize, but women are like trash compactors. We just keep adding layers and pressing it down, and things end up getting intermingled. Then, at some point, the compactor gets full, so the next thing, no matter how large or small, causes an explosion.
I return to this concept when I start berating myself for allowing some “insignificant” thing to trigger a major meltdown.
cazzle, you were LONG overdue for getting pissed off. In fact, maybe some counseling is in order, because your ex really pushed things way further than he should have been allowed to. Why did you put up with it? You deserve better. Get angry more often.
Just chiming in with another “personal experience, you’re perfectly normal” story:
When my ex-fiance broke it off with me, and I eventually settled down and discovered he had been living with another woman, I finally bit my lip and started the process of getting over him. I was doing great, months and months later, talking to a great new guy (who would later become my husband), being with friends, doing things I enjoyed, and feeling damn well better off without the scum. And one day a package arrived in the mail.
From him.
It was all my stuff that I had left with him.
And I bawled my fool head off, like it had just happened yesterday, as if I hadn’t made any progress at all. I stayed home all day and blubbered to my mother, who made me soup and made me eat.
I know it’s all cliches, but we’re not made of stone. Be strong, but let yourself crumble now and then - be angry, be sad, cry, kick, scream… it will pass, and small things eventually will cease to bug you. But for now, address them when they bug you - you deserve to get it out of your system.
I hope everything that happens turns out to be what is best for you in the end.
I dunno - is it just like when you’re pregnant you seem to see more pregnant women around? Our marriage is rapidly falling apart as well and every time I log onto this board, I see yet another thread from someone who is getting a divorce, about to get a divorce, just been told by their spouse that a divorce is the only way or … well, you get the picture.
I do know what you mean about the photo. I took off my wedding ring the other day and I couldn’t be more upset if I’d chopped off the finger which wore it.
While I haven’t been married or divorced, in my experience of experiencing losses, I’ve often felt numb or in denial about it at first until some little thing made it all hit home and the real emotions came to the surface.
It might be a good idea to talk to some professional about how to set proper boundaries with him now before things get any more hurtful. I can’t believe he actually had the chutzpah to ask you to take his picture for a dating site - especially when it has only been two months since this all started! I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.
I guess I was probably overdue for a meltdown, and no doubt something would have set me off this weekend: I move out on Monday, and I’m feeling mighty nervous about that. This has been my home for the last six years, and it’s hard to leave it.
It’s so weird. When you marry your best friend, the personality you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don’t expect him to morph into a totally different person within five years. Sadly, that’s what’s happened. He could never come to terms with his diagnosis of infertility and it’s changed his whole personality. The last two years have been very rough on us both, but I thought he was worth hanging in there for. I guess I was wrong, because he didn’t feel the same about me.
I’m a little lost. I have pretty much given up my own self to support him through his grief, and to help him get the treatment he needs to put his life back on track, but he’s refused every single offer of help that’s come his way - even after acknowledging that he has a problem. He lied to his psychologist to get out of going again (he now admits that he didn’t like paying for the sessions - apparently you can put a price on happiness), and he lied to the marriage counselor for the same reason. We were both miserable and depressed over our inability to have a family of our own but the difference was that I tried to work through it and find ways for both of us to be happy again while he wallowed in self pity and tried to find ways to make himself happy again. I’ve been telling him that he had it easier than me, because I’ve been going through exactly the same crap as him, but unlike him I didn’t have a supportive spouse by my side every step of the way. Honestly, the infertility stuff was devastating, but the hardest things I’ve dealt with have all been inflicted on me by him.
I’m upset that it ended like this, and I’m upset that he was so untruthful about his commitment to our marriage - we had discussed our feelings on divorce many times, and were both in agreement that we felt a marriage is for life - but I guess I’m glad that it’s happened now, before I waste any more years of my life on him. I’m also glad that I didn’t give in and rejoin the IVF program like he wanted me to in August, and I’ve yelled at him about it because he knows I’m against bringing children into an unhappy relationship yet he says he already knew our marriage was over then. How much worse would my situation be if I’d listened to him and was pregnant now?
Oh, and with regards to the photo for the dating site - that was about two weeks after he dropped the bombshell about his affair, but about a week or more before he broke up with the girl he’d been having the affair with. We had a heated debate Friday night about whether or not joining a dating site while you’re involved with someone constitutes cheating.
IMHO, it does. One does not go fishing except for the outcome of catching a fish. Sure, if you’re Rex Hunt, you might kiss them and throw them back, but for your average angler, you are out there to snare them.
It’s cheating, or at least the prospect of cheating.
I’m with you Kam. Although, it’s not my problem as by then we’d already called it quits. He was just cheating on the woman he’d been having the affair with :rolleyes:
Think of it this way: if you were to chuck him into a dam nearby, well weighted down with a couple of concrete ‘boots’, do you think the local female population would be ultimately appreciative of your efforts? Not that I’m advocating that, oh no, I would NEVER suggest such a thing…
Y’see, you get revenge AND you save a whole lot of other people from future pain. Sounds like a win-win to me!!!
Yes, it sounds like you are very fortunate that you didn’t go ahead with the IVF. It sounds like dishonesty is a way of life for him, and he would have probably ended up hurting you and the child for many years to come. As hard as this must be right now, I’m sure the day will come when you’ll have moved on and found a healthier and happier way of life without him.
It really was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Try getting a little pissed at everything instead of really really pissed at the last thing.
I’m the same way and trust me, it is much better to get a little angry every now and then rather than all at once. People think you are nuts when you do that.
I guess I’m the only one who looked at the title: “OMFG, not the photos” and moused over to read about “our marriage was over” and thought of a COMPLETELY different set of photos.
The guy seems like he doesn’t deserve your friendship. If there are no other reasons for you to keep in contact with him (friends or family members) I say cut him off now for your own peace of mind.
It does sound like the infertility thing really had an unfortunate affect on him. He can lie to the psychologist and lie to you and lie to the marriage counselor but he has to live with himself and inside he knows the truth.
And then count your blessings again, and look for another guy, because your soulmate just got eaten by sharks.
Seriously… cazzle, as a dude, I’d just like to say you clearly have the patience of a saint, and I’m sure any number of us would be delighted to poke your husband in the eye.
…and the cycle will continue until he pulls his head out of his ass and takes his counseling seriously.
“Be the type of person you would like to be with.” is one of the best motivating lines to improve one’s self. If he can’t do that, then he’s doomed to fail in each relationship he gets into. He’s doing you a favor to divorce you, because he’s a lost person until he becomes honest with himself first and foremost.
