Because party?
I’ve never encountered most of the issues people claim to encounter all of the time in threads like this. It could be that I don’t hang with the same people, don’t go to enough parties, don’t care or notice if I’m being judged, am more socially skilled, or that people are inventing/exaggerating issues. Or it could be some combination of the above.
Neither side is filled with angels, good guys, or non-jerks. Both sides think themselves morally superior and are smug as hell. The side order of contempt and misanthropy that tends to attach to many introverts is really ugly.
I don’t care about their butthurt. I care about having to hear about their butthurt. I can either endure the damn party, or endure weeks of commentary. And no, I can’t simply stop associating with these people–they’re my husband’s friends and associates, not mine.
I’m pretty sure it’s related to some of the comments in this thread. Those people who attend a rowdy, lively gathering then disparage the noisemakers are deliberately attempting to paint themselves as intellectually superior.
This is the strongest of the list for me. I get genuinely growly and snappy, like a cornered wild animal. I’ve had to later apologize to people for my own poor behaviour when I’d suddenly become insulting, sarcastic, or assholish in a social event. I have actually chosen to walk for a couple of hours home away from a function rather than be faced with the uncertainty of a ride that will be ready in “just a few more minutes, I swear!”
Because party is not a valid reason to harass someone about why they’re not drinking, or dancing, or why they’re not eating the delicious clam dip you made. It’s generally considered that a simple “No thanks, I’m good” is all one need say to decline such things, no cleverness or charm necessary, and anyone who can’t accept that response graciously and keeps pressing is something of a jerk. So why can’t an introvert simply say “No thanks, I’m good,” and have people leave it at that?
Because you aren’t at church, at work, and it’s safely assumed that you aren’t attending a party unwillingly. People who appear to be lonely, uncomfortable, or not having fun at a party cause genuine concern and discomfort to those who are having fun. Do you really feel so persecuted that you have made yourself a victim of a party? For Pete’s sake, stay home. Barring that, say something placate-y and smile as they walk away for greener pastures.
This is the sort of mentality we’re talking about. Say you’re at a party. These are some things people do at parties:
- Talk to people
- Eat
- Drink
- Dance
- Play games
- Relax
Now, you can choose to one, two, or all of these things as personal enjoyment. But there is no reason a person must do ALL of them to be successfully enjoying a party. A person can choose to talk and dance but not drink any alcohol, and that should be ok. Another person can choose to eat and drink and enjoy the company of others, and that should be ok too. When did you become the party police and say “everyone must be doing all of the above or you’re not partying correctly”? And you can attend a rowdy party and enjoy it without being rowdy yourself, or you can attend a party that has a rowdy set in the living room and a chill set on the back porch. Parties are varied, just like the people in them. What do you gain by looking at a person at your party and deciding that they’re ruining everything for you just by being there?
I don’t encounter much of the problem because after one party, my friends figured out what kinda party person I am. If I meet a stranger at a party that doesn’t “get it” and bugs me about not “fitting in” I pointedly ignore them until they shut up. After all, there’s dozens of other people here - go mingle with somebody else if I’m not to your taste.
Of course, if someone really IS feeling lonely or uncomfortable at a party, forcing them to do things or otherwise haranguing them about it isn’t going to make them feel much better. Same for a person who is enjoying the party, just not on your perfect terms. So it’s a lose-lose situation either way to get confrontational about it. It’s pretty clear to me when a person is enjoying a party or not, and that isn’t dependent on whether they’re dancing drunk on the table or laying quietly on the couch.
It’s this unfounded defensiveness which instigates the “confrontation”. A host’s job is to ensure that everyone is having fun at the party. If someone looks lonely, quiet, uncomfortable, or miserable, the host and other concerned attendees will probably attempt to help the outsider enjoy himself. I’m not sure why you feel insulted by that; it’s a party, not a mandatory event.
What is stopping you from manufacturing a grin and stating: “I enjoy watching everyone else, great party”? Barring that, why attend a social event where folks are expected to enjoy a rowdy good time if you intend to sit silently in a corner? It’s sort of a one or the other thing. Either decline and stay home, or find some way to ensure the host/s that you are enjoying yourself despite giving all appearances of being out of your element or miserable.
Is the same “No thanks, I’m fine” I’d offer if someone decided I must obviously be miserable because I’m not eating/drinking/dancing enough to suit them okay? Or is that not placate-y enough? I have to assume the latter, since this is in response to me asking why “No thanks, I’m fine” isn’t sufficient.
Yes, it’s the host’s job to make sure everyone is having a good time, and that means checking on people who may not have enough food or drink or amusement. But once someone tells you they’re fine, being a good host dictates you accept that assurance and drop the subject. If they truly are fine, not letting it go will only annoy them and make them not-fine. If they’re not fine but are putting on a polite fiction of being fine, manners dictate you put on the polite fiction of believing them. Pressing the issue isn’t about how your guest feels, but about how you feel.
Well, yes. Because the host feels a responsibility because he is throwing a party, wherein people are expected to have a good time, or decline to attend if interacting with a crowd of like-minded friends isn’t enjoyable to them.
I guess I peg myself as an “obnoxious introvert”. I tend to swing either between hogging the spotlight (though once I get over the “high” of having all that attention, or talking about a particular topic, I do feel the need to recharge) or functionally invisible wallflower (seriously, I’ve frightened people that I shared a long ride with by suddenly piping up during a conversation, because they forgot I was even there!).
It’s probably why I get along with my cats so well. We tend to be in the “needy” phase at about the same time, so we can lavish love and attention on each other until we’ve had enough and then break off and everything’s fine.
I’m going to assume that by “pressing the issue” you understood me to mean “asking the question once.” In fact I meant making further inquiries after the guest has reassured you they’re fine. Asking once is being a good host; that’s about putting yourself out to make sure your guest’s needs for food/drink/entertainment are met and make their experience more enjoyable. Pestering them after being told they’re fine is being a perfectly shitty host; that’s about your guest putting themselves out and making their experience less enjoyable, to pet and reassure someone who can’t take yes for an answer.
See, I think this is the disconnect here. What we’re talking about is, an introvert shows up at a party. They’re enjoying themselves on the couch, saying hi now and then, laughing as someone makes a fool of themselves and sometimes getting in a deep conversation or two. Maybe they aren’t smiling 100% of the time but they’re relaxing and having a good time anyway. Then the host comes over and says “Oh, why are you over here on the couch, dude, come over and play a card game with us in the kitchen! Don’t be such a wet blanket!” and the introvert says “Nah, not my thing. I’ll just look at the stars for a few minutes then I’ll join you when I’m done my drink.”
And then this is where it goes south. The host starts cajoling, or trying to move you, or otherwise tell you that you’re not partying right. Maybe it wasn’t about a card game but about dancing, or about the riotous session of party accident stories going on in the staircase that you MUST join in on. They won’t accept that you just want a breather for a bit. Nope, they won’t have it. THIS is what we, as introverts, start complaining about. Suddenly us doing something quiet for a minute turns us into these jerks out of nowhere.
I don’t think you are talking about the same thing we are talking about. It’s not about those god-awful party people annoying us just by existing, it’s about those people that just won’t leave us alone when we say we need a breather, or prefer to quietly talk about movies than play beer pong. It just so happens that the people who most often ignore our boundaries are extroverted partiers, that’s all.
A few things.
- Some people have naturally solemn facial expressions. I don’t know if this is an introvert thing or what, but I can sometimes look puzzled and/or sad when I’m actually perfectly fine. To prevent being bothered with “Why so glum?” when I’m out in a crowd, I will consciously put on a dorky grin. But this is 1) tiring, 2)makes me look dorky, and 3) something that I can’t keep up all the time. So as long as I’m not actively balling my eyes out, I’d appreciate folks not assuming I’m sad. I’d much rather you ask “How’s everything?” if you are just that darn interested in my state of mind. Then you can hear me say, “I’m wonderful! How are you?” Instead of me insisting for the millionth time in my life that I’m not sad, I just have a solemn face, I promise.
Fortunately, people who know me well know that I have a solemn face. And naturally these are the people who’d turn to if I was in fact sad and in need of cheering up. Only someone who doesn’t know me well would think I would be stupid enough to attend a party in a bad mood. And they would have to be pretty strange to think that they, someone I don’t know, could actually counsel me into happiness.
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Would you show up to a party in a bad mood? Probably not. So why would you assume someone else would? And why do you think you could even cheer them up if they WERE in a bad mood? The hostess doesn’t have to play psychotherapist to carry out her duties. Nor should she. If you are uncertain about the mood of a guest, just ask, “How’s everything tonight? Is the food okay?” Chances are they will smile and answer, “EVERYTHING’S GREAT! THANKS FOR ASKING!!”
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All this time I thought the guest’s job at a party was to have a good time and be respectful of guests and hosts. Now I understand how being rowdy at a quiet cocktail party would be inappropriate. Such a person would be disruptive. But how is a non-rowdy person–a person who perhaps is sitting back and quietly laughing at various acts of tomfoolery–disruptive to a rowdy party? I can see how they’d kill your buzz if they’re standing in the corner shaking their head and threatening to call the cops every ten minutes. But if they seem to be getting along fine, in their own way, I don’t see how it’s anyone’s business that they aren’t acting a fool like everyone else. Maybe they are the designated driver for that exact reason. Maybe they have to get seriously wasted before they do the Macarana on the table like everyone else, and they’ve got another two beers before they get to that point. Sorry, but if you’ve got to crawl up someone’s ass and mind-meld with them to know that your party is going well, you are the one with the problem.
Can you hear yourself here? An extrovert goofing around and having a good time isn’t “making a fool of him/herself”. There’s a serious disconnect here; introverts take concerned inquiries as criticism, yet have no trouble portraying the extroverts in a negative light.
See? Your disdain is showing, and that’s rude because you accepted an invitation to a party. A polite but appreciative response to the concerned host would protect both your egos.
I didn’t say ALL extroverts make fools of themselves. However, I have laughed at some fools doing stupid things. I don’t know if they were extroverts or not. But since I do not drink and am a designated driver at parties, I am often in the situation of being able to laugh at somebody doing something silly because they are drunk. In fact, I am very good at pretending to be just as whacked out as everyone else if I’m feeling in that sort of mood, and have been called “the drunkest funnest sober person I have ever met”.
I’m not going to pass up a party with my friends just because Bob might trip and fall into the beer pong table and get himself covered in beer, and I had the gall to laugh with/at him just like everyone else. You know, before helping him off the floor. I’m pretty sure laughing at drunk people antics is a pretty normal party activity.
I’ve never had this happen. Any thoughts on why that might be?
I’ve had it happen very rarely. I’ve concluded this happens because the other person is a jerk who won’t take no for an answer. We’re not talking about “omg every party I ever go to people ask me why I’m so sad?!”, we’re talking about some isolated incidents that really could have been avoided. And then we get these threads where after someone says “my boundary was crossed by this jerk repeatedly asking me to do something I didn’t want to do, and it was upsetting”, a bunch of other people say, “well maybe you shoulda just done it to be nice to them and not been a jerk yourself, huh?!”
I mean, this cycle goes on and on and on. About eating food, about dancing, about having a quiet conversation. The threads crop up here every month about someone trying to force someone else to do something against their wishes. All we’re asking for is when we say “party’s great, thanks, I’m doing good just as I am”, it’s accepted at face value. Maybe then we’ll never have that 1% of the time when someone gets up in our grill about not partying exactly the way they want us to.
I find it a bit frustrating only because social skills are something that can be improved on with practice, but they won’t be if someone thinks they are magic or useless. We have so many threads on this board where people bemoan their lack of social skills, then in this one people seem proud of the fact that they can’t relate to others. That isn’t introversion, as has been said upthread.