If it happens very rarely, that doesn’t sound like a systemic problem with extraverts or socializing or introverts or anything of the sort. It sounds like encountering jerks, like you said. So, isn’t it erroneous, then, to couch the problem in terms of extraverts doing X?
Social skills are important and can most certainly be improved with practice. I get that it pays off to work on socializing like at least a reasonably convincing humanoid in, say, a work setting, even if it feels draining or difficult.
But, man, when I go to a party, I usually want to relax and kick back a bit, OK? I don’t want it to be just more work. I spent all week at work, thank you very much.
And you can say, “stay home if you don’t want to socialize”, but I *want *to be at your party. I need to be around other people a bit and not always feel lonely. I just don’t want to talk to anyone much.
Well, I can say that none of my introvert friends or apparent introvert strangers have ever done it to me. So while it’s not systemic among all extroverts, they are the group that this behavior happens to lie within from my personal experience.
You know, I’m not even sure what we’re arguing about at this point. I just want people to understand that everyone acts differently and that should be respected. Not a bunch of calls for us to just stay home if we don’t want to party a certain way.
Since you said it’s very rare, the term “small sample size” immediately pops into mind. Also “apparent introvert strangers” is probably one of those No True Scotsman things; if someone did it, you’d probably assume they weren’t an introvert.
You were the one who brought up the “rowdy” party. A rowdy party is, by definition, comprised of people acting like fools.
And I am not above acting a fool myself when I’m having a good time. If you can’t cut up at a party, where else can you? I’d just rather not be pressured into it. But I don’t think this has anything to do with my introversion. I just like being left the fuck alone when I’m minding my own business.
I have no idea what you’re talking about and I don’t feel like trying to figure it out.
But I will say this: If someone has invited me to a party, supposedly they know my personality well enough to feel comfortable inviting me to their party. I’m guessing they want me to be me, with all of the charm that comes naturally to me. If they want every single person to dance on the table, they won’t invite me because they know that’s not me. But if they are fine with some people doing that and others standing on the sidelines, they will be fine with me as a guest and I’ll be the very best guest I can be. So if I get invited to attend a party, I shouldn’t have to worry about whether I am going to be pleasing enough to the host. Because we should be close enough to know what kind of experience we’re going to get from the other. This is why I don’t attend parties hosted by people I don’t know.
Practice and desire are both necessary. If I’m having a good time being a quiet observer and occasionally having a quiet conversation, if I don’t care about being able to go up to any stranger and strike up a conversation, then that’s good enough for me.
[QUOTE=CLee]
Your disdain is showing, and that’s rude because you accepted an invitation to a party. A polite but appreciative response to the concerned host would protect both your egos.
[/QUOTE]
Dude, every single poster in this thread who has self-identified as some kind of introvert has said that they are fine with smiling and saying “Thanks, I’m fine” one time. How have you not seen that? Your posts are starting to seem disingenuous.
Roddy
Fine, but if you (general you) don’t practice social skills and don’t improve but hate that other people don’t admire your lack of social skills, don’t whine about it. Do something. You can’t make other people like your (general your) lack of social skills. You either don’t care, in which case you shouldn’t be whining about it, or you do care, in which case you can change it.
That’s what this entire thread really comes down to. You can’t change other people. You can change yourself.
Perhaps you’re around a better class of extroverts.
No, I’m serious. And I’m not being bitchy about extroverts having bad manners (although ime extroverts do seem more prone to having boundary issues, and boundary issues can often manifest as bad manners.) You’ve surely run across the stereotype that extroverts need constant attention and validation, right? Like any other negative stereotype of a group, some of them fit it and some of them don’t, and the ones who do stick out in your mind more even if they’re a minority, simply because they’re obnoxious.
The ones who need constant validation can’t bear for an introvert to hang out enjoying the party in their own way. It’s not enough for someone to be having a good time, or even having fun–everyone has to be having FUN!!! or else it’s no fun at all. It’s somehow threatening to them if people are responding to a stimulus differently than they do. It doesn’t matter how many confident, pleasant, live and let live extroverts are present–it only takes one FUN!!! police to ruin someone’s entire night.
And, in fact, this thread, which was originally from about a month and a half ago, was revived (Post #107) by someone specifically asking about “learning how to converse in a meaningful and productive manner.”
It could be. Heck, since I don’t have everyone in my life categorized as introverts or extraverts, so it could be that I’ve never encountered an actual extravert. But I would guess that there’s also simply a perception issue. I might be having the same interaction but not perceiving it as anything negative because I don’t have the negative association in the first place. With a lot of human interaction, the same words can be heard in different ways depending on the inclinations of the hearer.
And we can change the way we perceive the world and how we relate to others. We are mutable beings.
Bollocks.
You are heavily interpreting what people have said, as well as adding a lot of loaded words like “whining.” Where did anyone say that they want other people to admire their “lack of social skills?” What I have seen is people asking to be allowed to be as quiet as they feel comfortable being, without being bugged to come out of their shell or something. You seem to think that, because I don’t like being bugged like that, I am the one who should change myself so other people don’t behave that way? Are you nuts?
Roddy
You should change yourself if you don’t like the results you’re getting, because no one else is going to change to give you the results you like. If you like the results you’re getting, fine. Saying you’re being “bugged” sounds like you don’t like the results you’re getting, but hey, maybe you use English is some super special way.
I don’t understand how Roderick should change himself.
You don’t understand how he could, or how he should?
He should if he wants a different result. He can’t force anyone else to care.
I thought we were all clear on the fact that introversion isn’t the same thing as poor social skills?
He should stop expecting people to not be assholes to him, I guess. Or twist himself into knots accommodating their expectations so they won’t be tempted to be assholes, maybe.
On the one hand, I understand that the only people we can change or control are ourselves. But on the other hand, if someone is being treated inconsiderately and disrespectfully, they’re not really the problem, so telling them they’re the ones who need to change is pretty fucked up.
He said he didn’t have the desire to improve his social skills, which is what I’m replying to.
Someone else said these encounters are very rare. How often do they happen to you?
Why does it matter how often people act like jerks? We should be aiming for a world wherein people try not to be jerks to one another 100% of the time. It doesn’t really matter if it only happens once every hundred parties - it still happens and it’s still not cool. Of course it’s going to be a lesser social issue than say starvation or murder, but there’s no reason to just shrug something off because “eh it doesn’t happen much”. I mean, where else to discuss this sort of thing than a topic about it? I don’t make it my go-to social issue every day or something.
Does it matter if we’re talking about something that actually happens? I think so.