Well, IMO, *sometimes *cheating is unforgivable, and *sometimes *it’s not. People and contexts differ. Is this really such a difficult concept?
Like Beadalin, said, why does one indiscretion count more than any and all good behavior? It just seems petty to me.
So don’t make blanket statements like “Everyone could cheat” and “people who find cheating unforgivable are emotionally immature.” Everyone reacts to things differently. I don’t think you have the right to judge how important sexual fidelity is for each person. For you, it might be forgivable. Bully for you. That’s not how everyone feels, and your way isn’t the only correct, mature way to handle it. If you know you can’t get past it for whatever reason, the mature thing to do is end the relationship, not stay with someone you can’t trust or would want to punish. Is that really such a difficult concept?
Hey, all I’m really arguing here is that everyone is capable of doing Bad Things, and everyone deserves to have their actions considered as a whole.
I never said that anyone who can’t forgive an infidelity is immature. I said that there are very good reasons, in some instances, to forgive it and move on.
Any hyperventilation occurring isn’t because of what I’ve said. Everybody’s got their something, and if this is yours, okay. But I’m just speaking my mind, not pissing on your daisies.
Because what you call good behavior is simply a given in a relationship, you don’t get a medal for going 28 years without cheating. That just how it should be, you don’t deserve any special props for that.
And you’re certainly entitled to your opinion. I’m sure you have deal-breakers, things which you couldn’t get beyond. Yours might not be cheating. It might be something that I might think was petty.
Yeah, reread what you said: "Or alternatively, most people are emotionally mature enough to not have quite such a black and white view of the world. " That certainly implies emotional immaturity on the part of those on the opposite end of the argument in this thread. A rather unjustified accusation, considering your supposedly open-minded and forgiving stance in general.
Aaaaand, no one’s hyperventilating either. Just disagreeing with you while breathing rather easily, I’d say.
Reread what it was in response to. How is **DigitalC’s **implication that most people who forgive an infidelity do it not because they feel their partner is still a worthy human being and their relationship is worth saving, but because they’re “scared of being alone” somehow less offensive than my implication that his (in particular) point of view was, in my opinion, a bit emotionally immature?
That’s not really what DigitalC said, though. He (she?) expressed the opinion that people don’t so much get past it as they fear the alternative. There’s no ring of truth in that for you? I think a lot of people stay together after infidelity for a lot of reasons, and “But I love him” is not the whole story.
Sure there’s a ring of truth in that. Lots of people stay together because they fear the alternative, infidelity or not. But the thing is, for most people, “s/he cheated” is not the whole story, either.
**DigitalC’s ** implication that people don’t get past it is every bit as ridiculous as you seem to think my assertion that everyone has it in them is.
I think people must get past it. I’ve seen people do it. I couldn’t, and I don’t think that says anything about my emotional maturity, just as your ability to forgive it doesn’t necessarily say anything about yours either way because, as DigitalC pointed out, you might well be “forgiving” for all the wrong reasons. Maybe not: maybe it’s all about love and acceptance. I don’t know. I also don’t think everyone has it in them. Plenty of people obviously do, but I think, if you hold it as a deep principle of your marriage, and you take it seriously, then you can say with confidence that you wouldn’t do it. End of story. To say otherwise is to tell people you don’t know who they are. Not a sound idea.
The thing is, you can’t ever really know anybody. I guaran-damn-tee you that everybody on this board has thoughts and feelings (if not, in fact things they have actually done) that they don’t ever share with anybody, including their SO. Claiming that you do know someone so well as to predict their every action is not a sound idea.
Alzheimers has proved that wrong.