Once more with feeling- TRULY AWFUL JOKES!!!!

What’s red and white on the outside and gray on the inside?
Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup.

How do you top a car?
You tep on the brake, tupid.

How did Anita Hill find her way around Washington, D. C.?
She used her Thomas Guide.

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of an airplane?

Golfer 1: I lost a ball yesterday.
Golfer 2: Oh, did the string break?

“Do you support President Bush?”
“Yes, I do–but the IRS won’t let me claim him as a dependent.”

“There’s three things I really detest: dumb jokes, the people who tell them, and M&Ms.”
“Why M&Ms?”
“They’re too hard to peel!”

On hands and knees, I get it. But the joke said to put her hands ON her knees.

Hmmmmm…yep that is how it was written. When I read it my brain just put the words “girl” “Hands” “Knees” into the sentence “girl on her hands and knees” I guess I am a pervert.

What is a Yankee?

Same as a Quickie but you do it yourself

Hee hee. I love it when people mess up their bad jokes.

But when they mess up MY bad jokes, hoo boy, watch out!

I once told a crowd of strangers (folks in a class I’d just joined, sitting around a campfire on a class trip), my favorite elephant joke.

Before I tell it, I have to let you in on a little-known zoological fact: elephants’ genitalia are actually on their feet. Not many people know that.

-At this point, some spaz around the campfire yelled out, “Yeah! You’re fucked if you step on one!”

Oh, how I hated him.

Q. What do you call fake spaghetti?

A. Impasta!!

There’s some real room-clearing jokes in here. Let me add one:

“Did you hear the one about the potato clock?”
“Well, every morning I get a potato clock.”

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife left him.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana who!?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana who?!?
Knock Knock
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Thank you, I’ll be here all week!

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?


What goes “vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech….”?

A blond at a flashing red light!

Drummer without a girlfriend?


Why do guitar players keep drumsticks on their dashboards?

So they can park in the handicapped spot!!

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns up front and the ass at the back.

Did you hear about the exhibitionist who decided not to retire?

He figured he’d stick it out for another year!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, “What’ll ya have?”

The bear says, “I’ll have a…beer.”

Bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

What does a cat use to cut the grass?

A lawn meow-er!


What’s the difference between a squirrel and a grape?

One’s purple and round - and the other one’s a squirrel.

Orange you glad he didn’t say banana?

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grpcery-store bag?

One’s dangerous to leave around small children, and the other’s useful for carrying groceries home in.

I don’t get it.

My contribution:

Two cannibals are eating a missionary, and one of them says “you know, I’m having a ball”.

I’m reading this while IM’ing a friend about the Michael Jackson interview. We’re in the middle of talking about the baby-feeding segment of the freakshow when I stop to tell her a joke:


She didn’t realize I was OT. I didn’t realize I was on-topic.