What time of day do you get up at?
He gets up at eight.
The piece of string goes in the bar and says “gimme a beer”. The bartender glares at him and says “we don’t serve pieces of string in dis bar !!!”
The piece of string goes outside and rubs himself against the sidewalk and getts frizzly. He goes back in the bar and says “gimme a beer”. The bartender looks at him and says “Hey !! Arent you that piece of string that was just in here???” And the piece of string says:
Nope, I’m afraid not.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
'Cause he didn’t have the guts.
What do you get if you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet.
If a ram is a sheep and an ass is a donkey, why is a ram in the ass a goose?
But they wouldn’t eat clowns. They taste funny.
So this goose walks into an ashram…
What did the Buddist monk say to the hot-dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
So he hands the vendor $10.
“Where’s my change?” he says.
The vendor says “Change must come from within.”
Confucius say, “Man who fart in church must sit in own pew”.
Confucius say, “He who sit on needle get point”.
Confucius say, “Man who sit on nail will rise again”.
What do Poles carry crap in their wallets for? ID.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
BTW, how offensive can we make these, anyway? I’ve heard some truly evil ones.
What did the snail say while riding on the back of a turtle?
Wheeeeeeeeee!
What’s the difference between elephants and grapes?
Grapes are purple.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Look, here come the elephants over the hill.”
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Look, here come a bunch of grapes over the hill.” Jane was colorblind.
Q.why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A. because he was stapled to a chicken
Polish loanshark: Lends out all of his money, skips town
On Halloween a little boy dressed as a pirate knocks at the door.
The fellow answering the door says, “What a fierce looking pirate you are! Tell me matey, where are your buccaneers?”
“Under my buccin hat, where else?”
Why do Jehovah’s Witnesses’ all have inverted nipples?
From decades of people poking them in the chest while saying “Get off my front porch!”
A fellow consults his doctor. He tells the doctor that every time he breaks wind, it sounds like the word “Honda” is being whispered.
The doctor tells him that an immediate colonoscopy must be performed.
Halfway through the procedure, the doctor shouts, “AHA! You have an abscess on your abdominal wall.”
The fellow asks what that has to do with his condition.
The doctor answers, “Abscess makes the fart go honda!”
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine…
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Da cowgoes
Da cowgoes Who?
NO - The Cow Goes MOOOOO!
What the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
DAM!!
A pirate walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says:
“Arrrr, Ill have me a drink!”
The bartender, not to accustomed to having Pirates in his bar, looks the man up and down.
With a puzzled look on his face the bartender says:
“Sure you can have a drink, but you gotta tell me… WHY is there a STEERING WHEEL attached to your crotch?”
The pirate looks the bartender square in the eye and says:
“ARRRR ITS DRIVIN ME NUTS!”
-x out
This one could be about drummers, but they’ve been dumped on enough in this thread, so here is how I originally heard it:
What’s the difference between a savings bond and a snow boarder?
The savings bond will one day mature and earn money.
One more:
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a motorcycle?
The location of the dirtbag.
A total stranger started chatting at me today at school. He told me two jokes, but I can only remember the second one.
What’s the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a person blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer.