Straight out of Southpark:
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
An interrupting cow.
An interru…
MOOOOOO!!!
How are blueberries and elephants the same?
They’re both blue…except for the elephant.
(I love elephany jokes)
Elephany’s being Canadian for elephant.
Maybe we should put the really bad ones in spoiler boxes?
It’s great to trick somebody with no sense of timing into telling the Interrupting Cow joke:
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrupting cow who?”
[Pause as they realize they missed their chance]
“Well?”
“No, wait, ask me it again.”
“Ask you what again?”
“Dyah! Nevermind! Let’s start over. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupti–”
“MOOO!!!”
For reasons unknown to me, this one cracks me up every time.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
A stick, giggle, giggle, giggle.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
One day in the Vatican, a cardinal runs up to another cardinal and says, “I just had the greatest idea! Even better than the Virgin Birth!”
“Okay, let’s hear it.”
“Joshua, son of Nun!”
“I don’t get it.”
The first cardinal then realizes they were speaking in Italian, where the pun doesn’t work.
At my house the interrupting cow joke is:
Knock, Knock,
Who’s there?
Vomiting Cat.
Vomiting Cat wh…hork, hork, hork.
Why do eskimoes wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it’s too cold outTide.
What’s green and brown and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
This set must be told in rapid succession:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nother
Nother who?
Nother Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep–beep, run over Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, nother Ether Bunny be back next year.
I have been telling this joke every year since I was ten. It’s amazing I have any friends.
And don’t forget these unConfucianisms:
Virginity like bubble…one prick—all gone!
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth…but right next to it.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night!
It takes many nails to build crib…but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
My favorite:Baseball is wrong…man with four balls cannot walk!
Confucius say:
Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger
What do you call it when you are spying on the operations of a major sports cable network?
ESPN-age!
How do you insult a vampire?
Tell him he *doesn’t * suck!
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Eleven - one to stir the batter and ten to peel the M&M’s!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to [w]want[/w] to change!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the side he was on!
And in parting, a little poem…Ogden Nash, I think?
The optimist fell ten stories
And at each window bar
The people asked him how he was
And he said "All right, so far!
zoogirl bows and exits, stage left!
W?! I see my coding is a joke! Argh!
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m a wigwam, no, I’m a tepee. No, I’m a wigwam, no, I’m a tepee!”
Doctor: “Calm down–you’re two tents.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m shrinking!”
Doctor: “You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve only got 59 seconds to live!”
Doctor: “Hold on, I’ll be with you in a minute.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a young goat!”
Doctor: “Oh, stop acting like a kid.”
Hey any of you hombres seen Brown Paper Jake? Can’t miss him, he’s wearing a paper shirt, a paper hat , paper chaps, why he’s even got a paper saddle on his horse.
No? Well if you do, hold on to him, we’re gonna hang him for rustling.
When the pirate was asked to tell the story of how he came to have a wooden leg, a hook and a huge diamond in one eye … he said he lost the eye in a fierce battle on the high seas and it cost an arm and a leg to replace it.