Somewhere in the south acific during WWII, there was a tremendous infantry battle raging.
A japanese soldier jumped into a foxhole and found a young american soldier already occupying the space.
The two began to fight in hand to hand combat. The fight was intense and went on for a while untill they both tired a bit. As they wrestled in the foxhole the american had the other in a headlock and asked" Damn you are tough, where you from?" The Japanese soldier proudly grunted “Yokahama”. The American immediately let him go and threw down his sidearm and said “Well what the hell we fightin about… I’m from Tulsa!!”
That one gets me everytime too. Elephino why.
What goes in dry and hard, and comes out soft and wet?
Chewing gum, ya pervert!
Why did the little moron cut the toilet seat in half?
His half-assed uncle was coming to town.
Why did the little moron throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
Man: Honey, if I died, would you remarry?
Wife: I suppose I would.
Man: Would the two of you live in this same house?
Wife: Well, I suppose we would do that too.
Man: Would you sleep in this same bed?
Wife: Probably. I don’t see why not?
Man: Would you let him wear my clothes?
Wife: Don’t be silly. He isn’t your size.
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!”
“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Coefficient of Friction.
Interrupt–
Muuuuuuuuuu!
Here’s another:
There’s three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant…dead ant…dead ant dead ant dead ant…
What’s a used tampon good for?
A vampire’s teabag.
What do you do when your maxipad is on fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
I’m sure my 12 year old can tell me more…
You and your clone go walking along Niagra Falls, and your clone is shouting out rude and vulgar things to passersby. People keep giving you dirty looks, thinking it’s YOU making the nasty comments, so you wait until no one’s around, and you gently nudge your clone off the edge, into the Falls, where he (or she) is dashed against the rocks.
Are you guilty of:
a: murder?
b: suicide?
c: making an obscene clone fall?
(Credit where credit is due. My friend Jack posted this elsewhere, and I snitched it and shortened it, because it’s too silly NOT to go here.)
Color me oblivious. I don’t get it. But I have one to share!
So, a guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and sits at the bar. The bartender asks the man what the newt’s name is. The man says that the newt is called Tiny. “Tiny? Why did you name him Tiny?” asked the bartender. The man replies “He’s my newt.”
First grader jokes:
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!
Q: What do you call a cow with only two legs?
A: Lean beef!
Confuciousism:
Is good to meet girl in park, but is better to park meat in girl…
Ummm… Cadbury Yokahama sounds kinda like oklahoma?
Dang, just ain’t funny if ya gotta 'splain it. (not that it ever was!)
Oh, okay. Not the way I pronounce it, it doesn’t. 
Thanks for the clarification.
What do elephants use as tampons? sheep
How do you get a one-armed moron out of a tree?
Wave to him.
(Warning: dumb)
Where does Ronald McDonald sit?
On his McButt.
(One I remember from the early Eighties)
What comes from outer space and has three balls?
E. T.: the Extra Testicle
Wow. Lots of great ones. Sure to make me retain my title as king of the kids’ tablle at family gathering (and bane of myy siblings and in-laws!)
Here are a couple oldies.
Two flies were on a toilet seat. One left. Why?
He got pissed off.
What is brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come.
What do call a man with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call AMWNAOL in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call AMWNAOL playing baseball?
Home plate.
WDYC AMWNAOL hanging out up against a wall?
Art.
WDYC two guys WNAOL hanging out in front of a window?
Kurt and Rod.
More of these are sure to show up…
In a ditch?
Phil.
On your porch?
Matt.
WDYC AMWNAOL on your doorstep?
Matt.