A blind man walks into a bar…
“Ouch! What the f__K is that?”
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way!
I call those my second-grader jokes. I love 'em. 
stargazer, you bastard, I was about to tell those.
Oh well.
How do you know the stage is level?
There’s drool coming out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
What do you call 20,000 trombones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What’s the difference between a Ming vase and an oboe?
No one cares if you break an oboe.
What’s a pirate’s favorite color?
Arrrr-ange!
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
I’m a pile-up!
<your cue>
(make sure you ask the reply out loud. Very loud, in fact. Try yelling it:))
Q. How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two.
A joke from 1987-88 that’s threatening to become relevant once again:
Q. What’s the difference between Republican women and Democratic women?
A. Republican women give their heart to Bush.
A penguin walks into a bar and orders a whisky. The bartender is so surprised to see a penguin in the bar, he goes to check with the manager.
He says to the manager, “There’s a penguin here, he wants a whisky.”
The manager thinks for a minute and says, “Serve him the whisky. Charge him $5.”
So the bartender goes back to the penguin and serves the whisky. He goes to help some other customers, but eventually his curiousity gets the better of him and he goes to talk to the penguin.
He says, “It’s really strange to have a penguin in this bar. We don’t see too many penguins around here.”
The penguin replies, “Well, at these prices, you won’t see too many more!”
Baby penguin walks into the same bar and says, “Hey! You seen my dad?”
Bartender, “I dunno, what’s he look like?”
Two Sausages in a frying pan
One says to the other ‘man its getting hot in here’
The second one says ‘SHIT! a talking sausage!’
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper!
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What’s long and hard and filled with seaman?
A submarine.
What’s hard and round and sticks so far out of a man’s pajamas he can hang a hat on it?
His head.
Silly Sally was in her bathtub when a man came in, took off his clothes and joined her in the tub. Silly Sally just laughed and laughed. She knew there was only one bar of soap.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sixteen. One stands on a stepladder and holds the lightbulb below the fixture. The other fifteen drink whiskey until the room goes round.
The ONLY joke I ever seem to remember:
Whaddya get if you cross and elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office dressed only in saran wrap.
“Well,” the psychiatrist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To the Dump, To the Dump, To the Dump, Dump, Dump.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
I don’t know why, but it always makes me laugh.
There are 10 types of people in the world – those who understand binary notation and those who don’t.
A baby seal walks into a club.
A fly walks into R Kelly’s recording studio and asks “Hi, can you help me?”
R Kelly says “I believe I can, fly”.
I hope that fly isn’t underage.