It seems to me that it is entirely possible that both phyicological and pyschological issues may be at play. Someone should schedule a doctor’s appointment ASAP (perpetually infected hymen? Ewwwww) and look into theraputic options through the university.
If she feels uncomfortable (or is unable) using University Healthcare, Planned Parenthood is a great resource.
I don’t know if they still do it this way, but back when I was a poor student fees were on a sliding scale, based on your income. Lots of caring, committed professionals too.
A friend of mine had vulvar vestibulitis, and she suffered for many years beforing being correctly diagnosed. The suffering wasn’t by any means solely physical, it led to her questioning her worth as a woman, and a feeling that she was somehow less than a complete human being. The original physiological problem led to a lot of psychological difficulties.
You may have already done this, but do a Google search under “vulvodynia”. This will lead you to a number of different syndromes/diseases that are closely related to vaginismus, and may help in narrowing down a cause.
Here is a good site to start. http://www.nva.org/
Definitely consult a doctor, the health care center at her school should be able to help her or refer her to someone who can. I don’t know what school’s she’s at, but most universities include student health insurance in tuition fees. It will no doubt be embarrasing and difficult to talk to a stranger about this problem, but it will unfortunately not go away by itself.
Good luck to you both. She will no doubt need a lot of support in her treatment, and is lucky to have you care enough to get involved.
My G/F has this same problem. She was raised in a very very strict religious environment(taught that sex was dirty/wrong). The first time we tried, she warned me to be very gentle because she was tight. I let her get on top, and we were unable to achieve any penetration. I can stimulate her and bring her to orgasm manually/orally, but as soon as the thought of sex enters her mind, she clenches up. When I noticed her starting to cry from the pain I made her stop trying and just held her while she cried. I’ve never felt so terrible in my life.
Since then, I’ve tried to stress to her that she is not"damaged" or “wrong”, and that we can go as slow as we need until she is completely comfortable. At the same time, I have begun to hint to her that she needs to go to a gyn. for some help.
FYI–many doctors will refuse to use the dialators. I tend to agree that this is somewhat barbaric. You can find doctors who will work with the patient to help them learn to relax and control their vaginal muscles instead of forcing them open.
I’ve had a few friends with painful intercourse problems, fortunately purely physical (and curable). I just wanted to chime in to say go to a gynecologist. If the first one can’t figure out what is wrong (or tells you it’s all in her head), go to a second. And a third. It may, in fact, be a largely psychological problem, but many, many, cases of painful intercourse are misdiagnosed.
Also, talk to her about how comfortable she is with gyns. She may want a friend there with her, she may want Someone there with her, she may be more comfortable alone. Is she more comfortable with a male or female doctor? If she likes the idea, I would recommend having someone go with her. A third party is more likely to ask more questions, push the doctor if he/she is uninformative, and will not be nervous about the actual exam.
mischievous
If someone’s girlfriend is in college and having sex (or at least trying), someone should urge that she go see a gyno at least once a year for a pap smear and physical exam, no matter what the cost. Doing so now will help someone’s girlfriend have a long and healthy life.
You wouldn’t tell her not to get an oil change on a car she depends on daily just because she is poor, would you?
I know, bad analogy. But you get my point…go!
Agreed with Zipper’s post. Any sexually active woman needs to go in for an exam once a year. She should only skip years if her doctor agrees. Even as a poor college student, I never skipped a year.
From the OP’s words, the GF’s problem sounds more psychological than physical, but a surprising number of sexual problems that seem psychological on the surface can actually have an underlying physical problem.
I did a search on “dyspareunia” (the medical word for “something wrong or painful during intercourse”) and came up with several possibilities. Maybe you could do the same thing and see if anything makes sense.
Here’s one page of the search results for “dyspareunia.”
As you can see, there are lots of possibilities.
I’ve done alot of research of vaginismus. Something mental causes a female’s vaginal muscles to contract so tightly that nothing can enter. If she was abused, it could very well be this.
" Something mental causes a female’s vaginal muscles to contract so tightly that nothing can enter."
Is this true with the rest of her body?
Frankly, if I found a lady that did not like sex, I would not have sex with her. Obviously, she doesn’t enjoy it & I would not enjoy doing something to a woman that she doesn’t enjoy doing.
FYI–many doctors will refuse to use the dialators. I tend to agree that this is somewhat barbaric. You can find doctors who will work with the patient to help them learn to relax and control their vaginal muscles instead of forcing them open.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is a bit midevil.
Thanks for the good advice, everyone. I’ll find a good ob/gyn, hopefully at the college, and we’ll go from there…
-Ben
Definitely start with the college (heck, you’re already paying for it), but I also wanted to confirm that Planned Parenthood is a terrific and affordable resource. They do still offer sliding scale prices based on income-- I started with them in high school (only babysitting money) and still rely on them now (with quite a nice income). I was always able to pay, because they make sure that you can. They will help investigate options, and they’ve always been clean, friendly, and comforting.
"FYI–many doctors will refuse to use the dialators.
"
Well they use them to widen a woman’s pee tube. I dunno if that feels better than the other spot but I dont think so.
Yes, she needs to go to a gyn. She may have any number of physical reasons for pain including an actual obstruction. Make sure she mentions the possibility of post traumatic shock too. Stress and anxiety would aggravate any physical problem and may actually mask it by making her believe it’s in her head.
In the mean time, check out the New She webpage. It is a site by the Berman sisters (aka the Viagra sisters). They’re Doctors who specialize in female sexual dysfunction.
Ronin, we may need to clarify what is occuring(or I will, and you tell me if this is correct for you).
The painful part is not from penetration. It is not a matter of insertion, which causes pain. It is physically impossible for me to insert my penis into my girlfriend. I can insert a finger, but once we get ready for actual intercourse, her vaginal muscles contract so tightly that trying to insert is extremely painful for both of us.
If penetration was at all possible, I would think infection is a possibility.
While I’m basically going to repeat what everyone else has said, I can give a little more authority and information.
You see, I had this problem big time. Didn’t ever curl up into a fetal position, but I’ve had a few times where the pain was bad enough that I felt like crying. And many, many times where I avoided sex bacause of the pain.
Your girlfriend must go to a gynecologist. This person can determine if any health problems exist that are causing the problem, and can discuss BC options. Lack of money should be an issue to resolve, not an obstacle. Planned parenthood will do a checkup and the charge will be whatever you can pay.
He or she may also have some ideas how to address this. When I asked my gynee, he explained the problem to me and what I could do. This worked quite well with the boyfriend I had at the time.
This also worked initially with my next BF(eventually my ex-husband). However, because of his problems, and because my original solution required his help, the problem eventually became an issue with us. So we got sex therapy.
I highly recommend sex therapy. Sex therapy is fun! 
It was also very effective for me. Money may be more of an obstacle here, but if you are in college the psychology department may be able to point you in the right direction, or there may be a counseling center which can help.
Good luck.
" You see, I had this problem big time. Didn’t ever curl up into a fetal position, but I’ve had a few times where the pain was bad enough that I felt like crying. And many, many times where I avoided sex bacause of the pain."
I don’t see why it’s abnormal to avoid having sex altogether if this occurs. Frankly, I’m mystified as to why the women mentioned in the OP would allow or want sex at all if she knows this is how it feels for her. Unless of course, she wants a baby.
JaxBeachBoy
The painful part is not from penetration. It is not a matter of insertion, which causes pain. It is physically impossible for me to insert my penis into my girlfriend. I can insert a finger, but once we get ready for actual intercourse, her vaginal muscles contract so tightly that
trying to insert is extremely painful for both of us.
You know, this is going to sound really weird, but I’m not actually sure. I’m not terribly experienced so maybe full insertion isn’t possible and I just can’t tell. I haven’t tried fingers; I’ll ask her permission and try it and see. What I can tell you is that the one time I tried penetration, it seemed terribly painful for her. So I stopped and haven’t tried again.
Zyada, thanks. I’ll try and convince her to go to a obgyn, and if need be we’ll get some therapy. Seeing her in pain is a serious obstacle to my happiness, (duh!) so whatever the cost, I’ll make it happen.
handy
I don’t see why it’s abnormal to avoid having sex altogether if this occurs. Frankly, I’m mystified as to why the women mentioned in the OP would allow or want sex at all if she knows this is how it feels for her. Unless of course, she wants a baby.
Because, ironically enough, foreplay and non-penetrative sex (clitoral stimulation, etc) still feels really good. And she likes that a lot. It’s just penetration that seems to be bad for whatever reason.
As for kids, she’s physically incapable of becoming pregnant. No uterus. She had some kind of evil cancerous ovarian cyst when she was younger and had to have a hysteroctemy. This bums me out. She’s beautiful and intelligent (at least I think she is!) and it seems monumentally unfair to me that her gene line is dead. Maybe in our lifetimes science will become capable of extracting DNA from normal cells and putting it into a donor egg. But since she has no uterus we’ll still need to find a surrogate mother to carry the baby to term. All this stuff is horrendously expensive. And the genetic manipulation may become illegal under anti-cloning laws if any are ever made. So anyway…
-Ben
ModernRonin2 - you can give her my email address if you want to. Since I’ve been there, maybe I can commiserate/demystify/support her.